So... the other day I drank too much, and I knew this, and I decided to cut my losses and not make a dipshit out of myself by hitting the sheets. My friends Collin and Eric decide it would be hella funny to put me in some random person's car so I'd tweak out when I woke up the next morning. You already know disaster is ready to strike.
Now, instead of going about this little scheme with some amount of intelligence, these dumb bastards drive me to our old high school. On a Thursday. At 6AM. In case my not-so-subtle hints didn't help you to catch on, mad parents and teachers and students were unwittingly on their way to the scene of the crime to witness the catastrophe unfold.
They find a van and check the lock, and it's open. I get dragged out of the back seat of Eric's car and thrown into the back of some anonymous van with as little dignity as two drunk kids throwing another drunker kid into the back of a sketchy van can muster. Well, turned out that the van belonged to a bus driver. A very angry, wrathful bus driver who immediately went into a bloodthirsty rage when he saw us. Picks Collin up by the T-shirt and almost impales the kid's face with his fist but Eric calms him down to the point where he decides he'd rather see the law fuck us over than get in trouble for assault. They move me back to Eric's car and shit begins to hit the fan.
Skip forward to me waking up. Imagine my surprise when I am in the back of Eric's car, at our old high school, at some God-forsaken hour in the morning getting shaken my some fat fuck bus driver who thinks I have alcohol poisoning and need an ambulance. I'm about to show this fucker up, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Collin convinces this douchebag that I'm fine, he yells at me to get up, and I'm out of that car in a heartbeat with a head that feels like I got run over by a van instead of thrown into one.
Surrounded. Mr. Weston, our loving former principal, and a veritable army of bus drivers are interrogating Collin and Eric about why we're plastered on school property and breaking into someone's van. I hear Mr. Weston tell a newcomer to the circle that two kids were playing a prank on another kid. I knew I hadn't pulled any pranks for a good long time. I just woke up from a fucking coma. I wonder who the victim of that little plot was?
Mr. Weston informs us that he has called the cops and that they're on the way. Eric is still getting questioned, so I break away from the circle with Collin and start talking to him...
"So I really don't feel like standing here and waiting for the cops to arrive so they can bust us for underage drinking on school property."
"You want to run?"
"Yup, lemme tie my shoe."
"No time. We've waited awhile, cops will be here soon. 3, 2, 1, go."
And just scream the hell out of there. I hear Mr. Weston yell "Come back guys!" Nice job realizing that you forgot to check our I.D.s and you just watched two plastered kids, one of whom just came out of a drunken coma, tear you a new asshole. I bet the guy who thought I needed an ambulance felt like a real champion (please refer to me owning this fucker in an earlier paragraph). Not to mention that he and the principal get to tell the cops (who drove from 20 minutes away at 6AM) that two of the three kids escaped in an epic display of administrative incompetence.
Teachers and students are beginning to trickle in. Collin's shoe came off because I told him he couldn't tie it so he broke off in a different direction. Eric couldn't run because they had his car. I'm on my own. Make it to the woods on the other side of the street, get in a nice loud "Fuck you!" and then scamper away like a scared dog. I run, realize I'm drunk, rest 20 feet off the path, get up, rinse and repeat for a solid half hour. Finally come to a nice little grove and sleep for six hours on the ground in the woods, smoke my last spliff on a gorgeous afternoon, get up and walk home.
Now for the aftermath of this little adventure. Of course the principal wanted our names, as did the cops. Eric played it off like a champ and just shrugged with a stupid and confused expression on his face whenever they asked him. This expression comes easily to Eric as anyone who knows him can tell you, they couldn't do shit. Now for the fact that we were driving. Drunk. On school property. Cops, unlike us, are there and very angry.
Turns out running away saved Eric a shitload of trouble. He said Collin was driving, they said they'd check the school's cameras. He knows the cameras suck, he encouraged them so he could "prove it wasn't him." They come back, as expected they didn't see shit, Eric doesn't get a DUI because Collin wasn't around to get breathalyzed and they couldn't prove Eric was driving. Eric says Collin was driving his car because he was too drunk, Collin didn't want to get in trouble for driving his car so he ran. Neat, tidy little story that they know is false but can't disprove.
Unfortunately, the cops just drove twenty minutes really early in the morning to find two less drunk kids than they were promised and they got fucked out of slapping Eric with a DUI. They were PISSED. Eric's car gets impounded, they found a half a handle of vodka from like a week ago that we weren't even drinking that night. Of course that looked great, half a bottle of vodka and three drunk kids in a car... sigh. Two pipes were also found, no big deal. We didn't even know we had two in there so as far as we're concerned, it's only one.
Now, Collin says that he is 100% positive he saw my phone in the back seat. As in he consciously acknowledged it because he wanted to make sure we knew where shit was before we ran. We get Eric's car back and can't find it anywhere. Call the cops, they need it for a few more days for "evidence". They try to tell me I was there, I tell them I left it in his car a week ago and so it happened to be in there when the car got impounded. They can't do shit, Andrew - 2, Cops - Still 0. Finally get my phone back and it makes a strange buzzing noise so I think it might be bugged. I wouldn't be so dramatic about it except anyone who lives around Essex will tell you that the cops there are huge assholes. Huge. So... how likely is this? Mainly I just made this for the story, but I do kinda want to know haha.