Member of the Month

PartyBullshiit
March, 2024

Online

Welcome to the Newschoolers forums! You may read the forums as a guest, however you must be a registered member to post. Register to become a member today!

Darwin Awards...

profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
these are the Darwin Awards...each year this organization picks the top 6 funniest/stupidest ways to die or get seriously injured...#6 and #1 are my favorite...so here is this years list....

5th RUNNER UP:

Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on
a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends
apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the
Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down
the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad
removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:

'Man loses face at party.' A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22
bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. 'Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off.' He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his
lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a
spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. 'I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,' Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be
released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain
Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head,
but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted
afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, I feel so dumb about this.' No charges have been filed,
but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.


Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to
'hop' over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunate for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters
worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and
tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the
truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its
driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John
under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree
branch 25 feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

o...and my all time favorite is the 2nd place winner 2 years ago...

A guy in Montana was depressed one night, and decided to get drunk, after draining all his beer, and still wanting more (he was already very drunk) he drank some milk, but their milk was rancid and he quickly reached for the nearest can to wash it down...which happened to be gasoline...he immediatley felt sick, and threw up into his fireplace (with a fire going) and blew him and his house up...

hope you enjoyed




'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 12 2003 12:09AM
0 0
profile picture
gravteck
Posts: 2390 - Karma: 13
ahaha... i read them all, when I'm at the airport, I usually go to the bookstore to read the darwin award releases.
Jun 12 2003 12:17AM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
they are great...i will try an dig up past years winners



'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 12 2003 12:18AM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
http://darwinawards.com/darwin/

every single darwin awards...plus more than the top 6...



'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 12 2003 12:36AM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
this just sucks...

Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

'I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools.'

'You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the
ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.'
'Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope...'




'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 12 2003 12:43AM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
hahahaha...

(1998) In rural Carbon County, Pennsylvania, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim. Despite an estimated 35 shots fired by the group, the animal escaped into a 3' diameter drainage pipe 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck.

Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire five-gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to light it again, to no avail.

Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly-expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe 'like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine,' according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31.

Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. 'There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us,' McFadden reported, 'followed by a loud thud.' Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries.

'It was actually pretty cool,' Michaels said, 'Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt.'




'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 12 2003 12:45AM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
this is great...

(March 2000, Melbourne, Australia) Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot their testicles off!
'The old lady spent a week hunting those bums down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way,' said admiring Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. 'Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the seedy hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. 'The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,' Detective Delp told reporters. 'Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.'

The Rambo Granny swung into action after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

'When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the police would go easy on them,' recalled the retired library worker. 'And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' it all my life.'

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos' car, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

'I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them,' the ornery oldster recalled. 'So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em; got right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.'

Now, baffled lawmen are tying to figure out how to deal with the vigilante granny. 'What she did was wrong, but you can't really throw an 81-year-old woman in prison.' Det. Delp said, 'especially when all 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood.'




'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 12 2003 12:50AM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
(1997 - 1998) 'In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to save the gerbil,' Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner, Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
'I pushed a cardboard toilet paper tube up his rectum and slipped Ragout, our gerbil, in,' he explained. 'As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had reached nirvana, so to speak. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he simply would not come out, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.'
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman desribed what happened next.

'The match ignited a pocket of intestinal methane gas in Kiki's colon. Flames shot out the tube, ignited Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers, causing it to scurry further up Kiki's colon, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out of the cardboard tube like a cannonball.'

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Sadly, Ragout the gerbil did not survive the incident.




'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 12 2003 12:51AM
0 0
profile picture
wrenegade
Posts: 6631 - Karma: 41
that accident one is absolutely hilarious. I had heard that one before. Some stupid aussie.





Go suck a railroad spike, I haven't got any money
Jun 12 2003 12:53AM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
So you think you're having a bad day? In California, wildfires are part of the natural cycle of the forest. They are caused by lightning, by arson, by acts of God. Brave firefighters earn their livings extingiushing these ravenous blazes.

Recently, Fire Marshals found a corpse in a rural section of California while they were assessing the damage done by a recent forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in diving gear consisting of a recently-melted wetsuit, a dive tank, flippers, and facemask. Apparently the man had been participating in recreational diving fairly recently.

A post-mortem examination attributed death not to burns, but to massive internal injuries. Salt water was found in his stomach. Dental records provided a positive identification of a man who had been reported missing a week before, and the next-of-kin were notified. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was discovered that, on the day of the fire, the deceased had set out on diving trip in the Pacific Ocean. His third dive was 20 kilometers away from the location of a large brush fire which which was threatening the saftey of a nearby town.

Firefighters, seeking to control the conflagration as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters to saturate the area with water. The helicopters towed large buckets, which were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the fire and emptied.


You guessed it! One minute our diver was marveling at the fish species of the Pacific, and in the next breath, he found himself in a fire bucket 300 meters in the air. He experienced rapid decompression caused by the altitude change, suddenly followed by a plummet into burning trees.

As a consolation to bereaved relatives, investigators calculate that the man extinguished roughly 1.78 square meters of the fire, approximately the area covered by a splattered human body. Bereaved are also consoled by the knowledge that he had enjoyed two rewarding dives preceeding his fatal third dive.

Divers and pilots alike are being warned to remain on the alert. Divers are encouraged to remain calm if scooped from the water, and to hang onto the bucket when the water is dumped on the fire. Decompression chambers will be available immediately upon landing.




'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 12 2003 12:54AM
0 0
profile picture
wrenegade
Posts: 6631 - Karma: 41
hahahahaha, ah fuck, stupid homos, that'll teach em'





Go suck a railroad spike, I haven't got any money
Jun 12 2003 12:55AM
0 0
profile picture
wrenegade
Posts: 6631 - Karma: 41
hahahahaha, ah fuck, stupid homos, that'll teach em'





Go suck a railroad spike, I haven't got any money
Jun 12 2003 12:55AM
0 0
profile picture
Muppet
Posts: 410 - Karma: 10
that's pretty funny but i'll try to find a link to some other darwin arwards.


[D][O[M]

Me: Are you proud do you want a medal for that?

Diggla: Ya I think I deserve it.
Jun 12 2003 12:11PM
0 0
profile picture
lanks
Posts: 12543 - Karma: 72
i didnt bother reading all those but the darwin awards are hilarious. i like the mammoth one where the guy runs into the pole the best for sure.


Joel
Jun 12 2003 1:41PM
0 0
profile picture
lineskier10
Posts: 11339 - Karma: 796
wow this is probably the funniest thread ever

--------------------
Creator of the NS Cousin Exchange Program

me think u need realize that we dun give a fuck..' cams

Stealth Ninja of the Silent Army

HIGH NORTH SESSION 4
Jun 12 2003 2:41PM
0 0
profile picture
WiffleballGod88
Posts: 13 - Karma: 10
The latest nominee for this year's Darwin Award (awarded to people for incredible feats of mental lapses whose demise aids in improving the gene pool) goes to
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his foursome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own 'balls' in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
Now, obviously, this last nominee did not expire; however, since he is forever sterilized, the nominating committee believed he warranted an opportunity in this year's competition.


Jun 12 2003 2:50PM
0 0
profile picture
K_2
Posts: 1446 - Karma: 11
Those are great!
Duffman: That's a mug you don't want to chug! Ohhhh nooooo! (pelvic thrust while dancing)
Jun 12 2003 3:38PM
0 0
profile picture
Durhoward
Posts: 219 - Karma: 10
Thats a great website. Haven't been there in awhile, but the ones posted were hilarious.
Jun 12 2003 4:31PM
0 0
profile picture
Muppet
Posts: 410 - Karma: 10
i think it's just www.darwinawards.com


[D][O[M]

Me: Are you proud do you want a medal for that?

Diggla: Ya I think I deserve it.
Jun 12 2003 5:10PM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
they have some great ones...and the site is

www.darwinawards.com



'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 12 2003 10:56PM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
there are about 50 for each year....



'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 13 2003 12:44AM
0 0
profile picture
SARS
Posts: 145 - Karma: 10
i bet the grandma never goes to jail

dont insult me, or i will sneeze on you.
Jun 13 2003 12:50AM
0 0
profile picture
Darknight002
Posts: 188 - Karma: 10
ive heard that story about the diver a couple times...once as like a riddle than aagin they had it on some urban legends show...not a true story. something bout the water tanks havin grates or not big enough..
Jun 13 2003 3:18PM
0 0
profile picture
tipshift
Posts: 231 - Karma: 10
did you guys hear about the person who played russian roulette with an automatic?

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
Jun 13 2003 3:32PM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
they turned the diver into a riddle...but it is true...



'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 13 2003 6:51PM
0 0
profile picture
mammothpunks
Posts: 5724 - Karma: 372
riding tower pads at night kicks ass when you drunk. you just have to be smart enough to not go down a run with towers going down the middle. You also should take a pad off the top tower, not a bottom one your gonna run into going 50 mph!


'I should put my camera on a tripod - its easier to drink beer that way' - dirty steve
Jun 13 2003 7:04PM
0 0
profile picture
SARS
Posts: 145 - Karma: 10
lol...i think we are gonna have another Darwin Award Winner soon...go try it mammothpunks

dont insult me, or i will sneeze on you.
Jun 13 2003 7:06PM
0 0
profile picture
mammothpunks
Posts: 5724 - Karma: 372
we been doing that shit for years - climb up this back diamond run by canyon lodge and have like 5 poeple jump on it - you start launchin off moguls and shit. the thing that makes that one up there a darwin award is that the dumbasses ran into the same tower they took the pad off - they were on the complete other side of the mountain than from where we go


'I should put my camera on a tripod - its easier to drink beer that way' - dirty steve
Jun 13 2003 7:14PM
0 0
profile picture
mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
lol...did you know the kid who died?



'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'how many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......10, 1 to do it, 9 to say that they can do that.'
Jun 13 2003 11:58PM
0 0
profile picture
mammothpunks
Posts: 5724 - Karma: 372
no they were stupid ass gapers from socal


'I should put my camera on a tripod - its easier to drink beer that way' - dirty steve
Jun 14 2003 1:14AM
0 0
All times are Eastern (-4)