the ones in my sig as well as these from my dad and others i know
'Don't you think the Mets should be called the New York-'-me
'The New York Suckies? Yeah.'-Michael Maguire Sr.
'No, the New York Idiots.'-me
'What is this, Days of Our Fuckin' Lives or a baseball game, let's go.'-Michael Maguire Sr.
Coming home from Massachusetts-
'No right turn on red, what the... what are we in fuckin... cuba!?'-Michael Maguire Sr.
Later on, on the same ride (after seeing a woman with a soda resting on her head)-
'What the fuck!? Here we have the quaint natives going to market with their fuckin drinks on their head, I told you we're in Cuba.'-Michael Maguire Sr.
'DK!? Like Dairy Queen?'-Amanda Sherman
and the best, although long
'Here's my plan for if I ever become a vampire. Instaed of going through all
the rigamarole of murdering people, luring them somewhere, covering up my
tracks, worrying about police, the human escaping and telling everyone, etc.
I would just keep a big, fat cow in my yard or basement. And I would treat
it real well, hay, grass, oats, whatever it wanted to eat and I would have a
groomer and give it a padded bed to sleep in. And also, instead of going up
and biting it and getting blood everywhere on my face and hurting the cow
every day and leaving scars all over it, I would install a valve in a hole
in the cow's neck and when i needed to feed I would just put a hose with a
raspberry flavored mouthpiece in the hole and drink my fill, cleanly. And if
this was how i lived I would not even have to hide the fact that I was a
vampire. Why would anyone care? I'd hang out, throw some good parties, do my
thing with the ladies, etc. But never hurt anyone. Not even PETA could get
mad at me because the cow wouldn't even notice the loss of 2 gallons of
blood a day and with the valve system, after the initial valve-installation
surgery during which the cow would be sedated, the cow would never feel any
pain at all and it would be living the ultimate cow lifestyle. I would name
him Lolly Pop, get it? So what would the mob of villagers say? Let's get him
he's a cool guy who throws parties, never hurts anyone and makes a random
cow's life heaven. I'd be at the Sox games, concerts, I could even go to
night school. And I could stop crime whenever I saw it because I would be
invincible. Then what would the mob say? Get him! He fights crime!
Better yet, I could just hook Lolly Pop directly to a valve in my wrist,
that way I wouldn't even have to taste gross cow blood and my teeth would
stay white. It would be the greatest life ever.'-Michael Maguire II
'one day, i was walking to the mango shop when suddenly four samurais jumped out of the bushes and grabbed me. They took me to their master-Thomas Jefferson, in the flesh, and he wisked away all his african whores, and said 'do you wish to be a master of suspense like the famous Wes Craven?' I simply replied: 'What the fuck, i just wanted some mangoes-' I was cut off by the old virginian 'SILENCE!' he belted out 'there will be no mangoes where your goin, Madagascar.' All of a sudden I was in Madagascar staring at a ring tailed lemur. The lemur bit me, and I contracted a rare disease that made me grow jalpeno peppers out of my ass. Needless to say, this was uncomfortable so I searched for seven long years for a cure, eating only my own jalpeno peppers. I never found a cure but on the seventh annerversary of looking, George Washington appeared and said 'Damn that Jefferson, slways fucking with thos who like their mangoes.' Then he threw a small vial at me and dissappeared. It was the cure, and that is why I will always live and die by George Washington, now you might ask yourself, 'self, whats up with the revolutionary motif?', the answer to that is simple, 'its because tooth decay is caused by sugars.'-me
'...all fled before his face. All save one. There waiting, silent
and still in the space before the gate, sat Gandalf upon Shadowfax.'
'It's not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been clouding my mind since we left Lorien. Something draws near, I can feel it.'
How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10, 1 to do it, and 9 to say 'I can do that.'-petek
'Dude, we're sick. He's pretty sick, but his muscles aren't as big as mine, so you know.'-CR Johnson