For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear your partner has been turned into Dracula. Next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! You just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, batman
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what *really* throws you into a panic.
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason
Extra points if you're so bored of your cab 270 on bs switch up 450 out that you just collapse on the landing and start audibly snoring -skimack