My saturday was pretty crazy... it's a long story but it's worth reading, because this shit sounds like a movie but it's 100% true.
So I was riding down the street on my vespa, on my way to work... I'd just finished breakfast with some of my friends at the IHOP a few blocks away from my apartment, and these guys in an escalade pull up next to me at a stoplight. I couldn't really see who was inside because the windows were so tinted, but this really fat dude wearing FUBU gear with gold chains and shit rolled down the window and was like "haha look at the faggot on his gay butt loving motorcycle." I get this all the time, so I just responded with the usual "I had no idea getting 90 mpg was gay... fuck off, cuntcheese" which usually gets rid of hecklers. However, the guy didn't give up and he was like "GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY" so I tore their wingmirror off and threw it in his face. Blood went everywhere but I drove off pretty quickly because I didn't want to get run over by these fuckheads.... escalades weigh like 5 tons and it would suck to get hit by one, I think.
Fast forward to later, maybe like 8:00... I was playing frisbee with my friends in the park, drinking some 40s, and the same guys drove by. They stopped their car and one of them got out and pushed my scooter on its side and yelled "QUEER" pretty loudly, then they drove off. At this point I was really pissed off, so I ran over there and picked up my vespa, and followed them at a distance back to their house. It ended up being a long way, because they lived on the eastside in a development called "the summit at lake hills." The guy driving the car dropped them all off at their parents' houses (I guess they must have been high school students), which were pretty close together. It was a small development with a front gate, and it was sorta merged with the golf course that was up on the top of the hill. I did a bit of looking around, and then drove back over to seattle.
One of my friends has this sketchy-ass white van that looks like a child rapist would drive it, but it's good for carrying a bunch of people and gear. I got a bunch of my homies together and we drove back over to the development these guys lived in (this was at like 11:00). We rammed the gate, but there was a little kiosk with a dude who ran after us shouting. I didn't want any trouble, so i leaned out the window and shot him with my AK-47. The AK isn't quiet, so I knew we probably didn't have much time until the cops arrived. We had to act fast. We drove around until we saw their escalade parked outside a house, and we saw them all watching a movie in the front room. We all crept up to the front window and saw that they were watching "mean girls" and putting makeup on each other, and this caused me to flip out like a pirate and throw a handgrenade through the window. They were all like "EEEEEEEEK" as we ran away and then the window erupted outwards and a bunch of corpses flew out. I collected their scalps (this is customary in seattle) with my switchblade and then jumped in the van, but we were too late. We could hear sirens and, coming around the corner, we found a police roadblock at the gate.
Luckily, I have a triple black belt in karate, and even in high school, I was in impressive shape, able to bench twice my body weight and run a 4 minute mile. I jumped out of the van, taking one guy by suprise as I quickly twisted his head off, and then I decapitated two entire swat teams with a roundhouse kick. By this point, the police force was reduced to a few officers cowering behind their cars, so the driver of our van just decided to ram his way through the block. I jumped into the moving van (in a way that was totally like Legolas in "the lord of the rings" jumping onto that horse) and we drove off. Luckily I had the presence of mind to wipe my fingerprints off all the guys I scalped, as well as file out the barrel and chamber of my AK, so I don't think they're going to be able to trace us. Overall, my only regret is that I wasn't able to take the scalps of the swat teams and policemen I killed... they would have made great additions to my trophy wall. Too bad. :(
i never wash my hand. hell, i eat pizza while i'm taking a shit.