Want to take your business to the next level? Use new strategies to improve your income, and locate parks and truck stops where purchased orgasms are a snap. Make your elevator banter funny but not witty. Get free publicity even though you’re promoting nothing. Business network with scary people you don’t respect and whose haircuts obviously cost way more than your own. Establish credibility for tasks you hate performing. Clarify values but remember, a million times nothing is still nothing. Read business magazine articles written by children and adults who’ve never owned businesses. Get more referrals by grooming better and by shooting out more pheromones; basically, don’t wash your perineum, that little strip of skin between the genitals and the anus. This goes for both sexes. Sex is everywhere in even the drabbest office environment. But then, so is death. Find the middle ground. Overcome objections by pretending you run for public office or become head of a school; the secret message is “don’t aim for the top-aim for someplace two notches below the top.” Having said this, you will still become bitter for not having made it to the top. Even when life is good, it isn’t really good. Get commitments, and then let people down. Increase sales and get nothing for it. Sell more with your internet marketing and your website, but don’t show too many teeth in your press photo. Make spelling mistakes in your resume and then wonder why nobody calls you. Play FreeCell and contribute nothing to the world but have fun doing it. Yes! You can improve your marketing and your sales, but people will find you kind of boring while you’re doing it, and if it works out, people will still think you’re not that nice of a person who showed promise in high school. Also remember that high school is a North American obsession. Europeans think this obsession is juvenile, and the moment you use a high school metaphor, their minds will wander. They’re just jealous. There is a much better way to market your products and services, but it’s maybe too fresh, and maybe you’re not read for that new freshness. If you want to grow your business with less wasted effort, then you’re living in dreamland. Whether you’re just starting out or you made a million from your business last year its all kind of scary and futile isn’t it? There are simply too many people on earth. Oil is going to run out in your lifetime, what’s your follow up strategy to increase sales and \profits? Most of the business decisions in your city are made by older guys who eat mediocre chicken dinners in hotel ballrooms and then go off and have naked whipped cream go-kart rides. It doesn’t matter how savvy your proposal is, if the guys in the fezzes have chosen Murray to take over the lease to that office space you were eyeing, then you’re totally fucked and Murray will get the lease. One person’s testimonial: “requests for my services went up by 300% as a result of working with Ken, because he’s way better-looking than the earnest blank before him, Ron. We fired Ron under the pretext of catching him swiping Post-it notes and bond paper from the storeroom, but really it was because he was boring, didn’t like golf, and Tracy at the front desk thought he was, quote, ‘Kind of pervy’”. If you’re trying to stay more focused on what you do then simply do what most genuinely successful people do, which is take Ritalin. Most people think Ritalin is a kiddy drug, but what it actually does is allow you to stay focused and stop your mind from wandering. Hi, I'm Denise from HR. This morning I crumpled up a piece of paper and then I held it in the palm of my right hand and looked at it and I thought, “Denise, this is your life. This is as good as it gets.” Hi I’m Jeremy. I’m that high-energy new guy that stole from Remtech across the Parkway. IBM young, smart, good-looking, and I’m using eve escalating amounts of crystal meth to make me seem more alive than you. I’ll either end up winning everything or be found holing up a cardboard sign and talking to myself at the Exit 23 off-ramp. Hi, I’m Rick and I hate everything in the world because I lost everything I owned in the tech bubble in the lat 1990s. I really though id be on a beach right now. Instead, I piss in the men’s room urinal and have to listen to Jim in the stall beside me flip through the sports pages. It’s all he does. I don’t know how he gets away with it. He’s there for two hours a day. Please turn off all cell phones and personal computer systems. Engineers aren’t funny or cute or nerdy. They’re damaged. I might be damaged, but they’re way more damaged than in any other division of the company. I resent the fact that nerds are somehow cool. They’re just losers. Would you like another transaction? People say that everyone can be a success, but you look at the numbers and no, the world is way more about failure and compromised standards than it is about winning. The older the culture is, the less cutesy it is about saying, “well, you’re a winner because you tried your best” Can you imagine a Chinese person saying that? They’d just think you’re a loser and buy all of our goods at fire sale prices during your bankruptcy yard sale. You’re always hearing about “following your dream,” but what if your dream is boring? Most people’s dreams are boring. What if you had a dream to sell roadside corn- if you went and sold it, would that mean you were living your dream? Would people perceive you as a failure anyway? And how long would you be happy doing it? Probably not long, but by then it’s too late to start something else. You’re fucked. Communists are smart in some ways. They actively discourage hoping and dreaming. At the least that way, when you finally get a shitty little AM radio after being on the waiting list since 1988, you’ll fell both cheered and kindly towards the regime in power. Okay, I'm kidding. The only way to the top is killing and greed Okay, I’m kidding. But killing helps. Greed kind of helps, but it looks ugly, and at parties people avoid greedheads, so there goes your social life. Life is a contest between you and everyone else. Don’t you get an empty feeling in your soul when you have a blank to-do list? Hasn’t it been a long time since you had a flying dream? Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless poor people. TB and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public. There are too many old people coming down the chute in the next few decades. Heaven help you if you can’t hold your job act together. Put a smile on it, or its cat food for dinner tonight. A decade of cat food is 3,652 cans. Incorrect password, please try again. People who advocate simplicity have money in the bank; the money came first, not the simplicity. Invitation to All Staff Members: Thursday bowling, pizza, and drinks, sponsored by the company. Black lights and music galore. Dancing and bowling shoes provided. Bowling Skills Not Required!!! People who use the phrase “in these changing times, when the only thing that’s certain is change itself” are idiots. Think about tit and read the following sentence: “In these static days, when the only guarantee is stasis itself…” You see what I mean. Sometime when you’re all alone in a room, ask yourself if what you do for a living can be done by someone in India. If there’s even a flicker of doubt, then you have to admit that you are doomed. Which is more humiliating: losing your job to a robot, or losing your job to someone who lives in a country whose standards of living you consider inferior? You can’t fake creativity, competence or sexual arousal. If you have none of these three attributes, then pack it in right now. Go sell roadside corn in India. Your call is important to us. As you know, Jessica is away for two more days-could you please be sure all of your dirty dishes are put into the dishwasher (not the sink) before the end of the day so that when Katie or Kirsten comes down to turn it on, it is ready to go. Nobody has ever been happy in a job they obtained by first handing in a resume. Most people have no idea how to politely answer a phone. The English do, and it’s been their only major business advantage for the last two centuries. Using the keypad, spell the last name of the person you wish to speak with. Women can discern shitty clothes at thirty paces. Even seasoned recruiters base their first impression on the basis of fuckability. The second thing they look at is whether you’re competent and the third thing they see is whether you’re creative in disguising your lack of competence and/or fuckability. A big Thank You to everyone who participated in Jeans Day this year. We did really well and were able to raise $230.00 for the kids. My friend Josie used to apply for jobs she had no interest in getting, and she liked to mess with people’s minds. She’d talk about cramps and abusive boyfriends and her daydream about one day breastfeeding her baby and she always got offered the job. Most people are at their most robotic when interviewing, which is obviously ironic because you’re trying to put forth the most concentrated essence of yourself that you can. Most resumes are as boring as yours, and nobody ever reads the second page. There are people out there who will hate you for the way you use your knife and fork. Put the word “implement” in your resume and you won’t get phoned back. College will guarantee you a higher life-long income and friends made in college last longer than those made in real life. Men turn bitter around forty. The easiest way to get a job is to fill in for women on maternity leave. They almost never come back. Watch out for post-grad students. They wreck more marriages than drugs and alcohol combined. Needy people never last more than two years at any job. I used to get straight A’s my whole life, and then in college I started getting D’s and it was like morphine. It was great. If someone’s bothering you at work, ask him or her to make a donation to a charity. Keep a can and donation envelope on your desk. They’ll never bug you again. It works.

$

-Douglas Coupland


Opinions