As President Elect Donald Trump’s controversial Cabinet picks continue to trickle in, a Giant Meteor has been selected to head the United States’ weather for the next four years. The selection of the fireball confirms the Trump administration's campaign promise to end winter as we know it. Trump’s tweet on the selection reaffirms his campaign promise to “#makeamericahotagain.”
The Giant Meteor is an estimated two kilometers around and currently hurdling towards earth at 20 kilometers per second from somewhere between Jupiter and Mars. While Cabinet members do not have to be natural-born citizens, they do have to have been a US citizen for at least seven years. Trump said that US astronauts have spotted the huge flaming ball of space rock, “so I think we’ll be just fine.”
Amidst the fight against climate change, Cabinet picks like the Giant Meteor show the incoming President’s commitment to fuel the rise of global temperatures. If successful, the Giant meteor will travel the 33 million miles to the earth, melting icecaps and reducing snowfall to only the most northern latitudes. Plus, as Trump told the Radical Radish, “once the meteor blows a hole in the Ozone, it will open the floodgates for further warming. Manhattan will be the new Miami, mark my words, it’s gonna be huge.” On its current orbit, the meteor is set to come in close contact with the earth in late 2019 when it will either impact ending skiing forever, or miss the globe entirely.
While many skiers sarcastically supported the Giant Meteor in response to the quality of the major party candidates, none expected to see the fiery mountain in the sky to actually be a driver of policy in the US. Skier Dusty Springs told the Radical Radish that he went as far a sporting a "Giant Meteor 2016" sticker on his car, where it sits next to a Protect Our Winters sticker. Now Springs says, “I can’t even go on Instagram anymore, Caroline Gliech, Brody Leven, and all the preachy skiers won’t shut up about how fucked we are.”