So yeah, I said I would do this semi monthly...I guess it more like semi-annual at this point. Anyway, I have a couple of relatively short-winded rants that I wrote a really long time ago. But, perhaps tragically, they never made it into their own threads. Enjory...or fume, I don't really care.

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Please do your best to comply with these six rules, you have been warned. Remember, I snap a little kitten’s neck every time you break one of these rules. When in doubt, just think about the poor kittens.

Of Dan Brown:

There has been a lot of buzz about Dan Brown's popular book "The da Vinci Code." I have read it as have many others. Intrigued by his writing I decided to read "Digital Fortress" from cover to cover. I also glanced at "Angels and Demons" and "Deception Point." Do you want to know something interesting?

They are all the same damn thing!

Like Hollywood, Brown has been sucked into the all-to-common curse of LACKING CREATIVITY. He uses the same wonderful structure for every one of his books. Brown's writing checklist must look something like this:

1) Have someone die at the beginning for no real reason.

2) Have some random powerful individual/organization under threat (Pope/Catholic church or President/US government for example).

3) Throw in a conspiracy theory about that random powerful individual/organization to sell the readers.

4) Put the random powerful individual/organization in some kind of crisis. Perhaps and attack by some odd mysterious third party for example.

5) Have that main character abruptly whisked away to some secret location in a ridiculously over-fancied vehicle without knowing what the hell is going on.

6) The main character, by chance, meets secondary character of equal intelligence and of the opposite sex.

7) Characters make some fantastic breaking discovery...but are missing vital evidence.

8) The odd and mysterious third party attacks the main characters to find and/or put a stop to the fantastic breaking discovery.

9) Have a really looooong chase scene with other characters getting murdered or severely injured in the process.

10) The vital evidence is found! But it the discovery turns out to be a hoax...

11) The odd and mysterious third party is revealed to be controlled by the organization they seek to destroy or a previously friendly character. (hmmm, James Bond anyone?)

12) Suddenly...a massive, convoluted, over-complicated, but at the same time, down right RIDICULOUS plot twist that explains the whole thing and deals swift justice to the dastardly villains.

13) The main character and secondary character go off and mate like rabbits.

THE END.

Seriously, that's it. If you have had the pleasure of reading more than one of Dan Brown's books, you will take notice that all the plots are the f***ing same! In honesty, they're not all that well written either. Despite this, however, Dan Brown is a millionaire and his books continue to sell faster than shotgun ammo at a redneck swamp meet. It's the Pokemon of literature.

The man is a frickin genius! He writes the same book every time and simply replaces the conspiracy theory. You are brilliant screamer indeed Mr. Brown!

Of the PSP (Circa original launch date):

The Sony PSP is an outstanding piece of shit.

Sony has had a dominant standing in the video game console market for the last decade. They recently decided to venture into the handheld market. Thus the PSP was born. A slim, highly powerful little device that technologically blows the GBA/DS out of the water. The thing can play video games, movies, and music. It is a great idea. Handhelds keep things small, simple, and portable. Forget about juggling all the crap that comes with bigger devices like a vg console or computer. Too bad nobody told Sony that...

It all slides downhill form there. For the video games aspect of the PSP, Sony decided to be really lazy. Sony simply "ported" their old games. Instead of putting a lot of developing power behind it, they just played "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" with the PS2. What a great idea...I know everybody wants to buy the same $50 game twice. Oh, and if you like any of your game-saves from the PS2, be prepared to forget about them. Sony has PSP specific memory cards to. Still no Sony harddive for you!

"Hey Kids! You like Grand Tourismo 4? That's great, because you get to buy the whole thing again!" *thunderous cheering and applause*

Off to the movies! Wouldn't it be great if you could watch the latest Hollywood blockbusters in the palm or your hand? Sure it would. Lets buy Lord of the Rings again for 20 bucks, but this time, it's on a disk that works on absolutely nothing else! Can anybody say 8-track tapes? What's that? Your PSP got stolen? Guess you'll have to buy another one for $200 if you ever want to watch those movies again.

They did shrink the disk size. Instead of the standard CD size, they put them on a mini disk. Remember those? Remember how well those things did? It is nice to have disk a bit more trim, but it defeats the purpose of it when nothing else in the world uses the damn things!

You like music? Forget the iPod! The PSP can play your music too. It works just like MP3 player, except for the fact that you have to buy a gajillion memory cards if you want more than 5 songs. For a 1-gigabyte memory card, you must fork over $140. That's 700 dollars for 5 gigs. A 30-gig iPod Photo is $300. Can you do the math? Did I also mention that sound quality is appalling? Its like listening to a cassette walkman.

To get any reasonable function out of a PSP with all its features, you would end up with at least 5 movies, 10 games, and 5 memory cards. That's over $1000 right there. Not mention you have to carry all the extra disks, cards, cables, and crap with you. Kinda defeats the purpose of "portable" don't you think?

With all of this in mind, I have concluded that Sony intended the PSP for stupid people. It's a skinny hockey puck with a screen the size of a matchbox that forces people to accessories beyond reason. That fact that anyone buys into this steaming pile of crap is beyond me. If you have any foresight whatsoever, you should realize that PSPs are a waste.

For people who defend this fabulous crudbox, I pose this; What's going to happen when Sony stops making PSPs? Exactly. You'll end up with a ton of useless and worthless junk that you originally paid thousands of $$$ for. It almost makes you feel like a whore. Happy?

Fin.


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