This has been a month of turmoil. I'm usually the most emotionally stable person in comparison to most of my friends. Sure, I have ups and downs, but nothing really fucked up in either direction, you know. Fucking bullshit from this week though.
Getting back from spring break was great. I really didnt even mind the lack of sleep and having to work as soon as I got back. Shit, classes this quarter actually look fun too, I get to put together a bug specimen collection and learn about insects.
Before my trip something snapped. I woke up after getting completely shitfaced and high and just sat on my ass all day. Sounds lame, but I suddenly realized how detail oriented and unpredictable my life had become. So I skipped school and work and did nothing. It was great. I stopped wearing my watch. I didnt look at the time the entire day. Its hard to do, try that sometime. Try living your life without minutes and seconds.
So I went on spring break. Left my phone and ipod at home. Spent 6 days out camping, Death Valley and Moab. Avoided clocks too. And somehow, over those days, I lost it. I lost the sudden inner peace I discovered and casual calm about life. Its evident in everything I do now. Its like I went from having one continuous uninterrupted stream of consciousness to an eruption of interlaced and complexities. Sounds like it would be a good thing, but in a lot of ways, I find it interfering with life. Today for example, holding unexpected conversation with strangers at the coffee shop and on the bus... I was staggering and stumbling over my words trying to put together coherent thought. Like I have so many possible ideas and threads of conversation they all try to explode out at once and just end up blurting from my mouth in next to english chopped phrases. My head feels like this all the time now, and its completely unrestful. I dream of getting back to that state of mind.
Thankfully I've stopped sleepwalking. I wish I knew why I started doing it suddenly, and why it ended. I'm glad I'm not ending up in weird places in the morning though. Its strange, but its kind of sad in a way. Back then it really disturbed my sense of conciousness, but in a good way. Its like not knowing if you are dreaming or awake. Its unnerving, but also nice. To me anyways.
Staring out the car window in southern Utah last week I found that I had a craving for two things. One was a pair of wayfarers. The second was to keep driving. I'm graduating at the end of this quarter (hopefully), and with no girl, no pets (save the 6 preying mantises I've just ordered for a jungle terrarium I set up yesterday), no car, no career and no permanent residence as of this August, this is the time in my life that I'll get to travel. And I finally feel like I want to move. I need to go somewhere. I need to escape the life thats closing around me. I need to do something stupid, crazy and dangerous. In Utah, a friend and I climbed a scree slope that started sliding as we were climbing up it to get to some caves in a canyon. When we got to the top, he said that was the sketchiest and most dangerous thing he had done in his entire life. I had to do a double take. I felt both pity and envy. Sad that he hasnt experienced half of the heartstopping moments I so enjoy, but also jealousy of the adrenaline and achievement you feel after breaking your old record and exceeding your limit. Maybe risk is a drug for me, but I enjoy every second of it. And I cant see why I've made friends with people who dont.
I need to experience weeks where I exist in the unknown.
I want to wake up in a strange land with no plans, no guidebook and no direction.
I'm going to have to make this happen.
I dunno, I feel like I'm always obsessed with the need to 'start over', especially with my close friends. Its like I feel that in different circumstances, where I didnt have remnants from the past sticking to my skin, that I'd befriend people who feel more like me, people that push my spontaneity, sense of adventure and emotion. It seems the main goal of all of my friends is stability, and I sometimes feel like a maniac in a insane asylum, being force fed medication to keep my wild side down to not disturb the others.
At this point, I have nothing certain. I think I'm going to try and raise as much money as possible this summer and buy a storage locker for my life after this lease expires. Then, who knows where. A month in Turkey would be nice. Maybe Western Australia after that. New Zealand possibly. Something strange and different, somewhere where there have to be lost people like me searching for an escape from direction, if there are such people and places. I'm not going to make bullshit plans at this point, or stupid resolutions I'll feebly attempt to hold myself to later. This is simply just my declaration of need for change and a reminder for myself of my dreams and expression of what I think i am, and need to be. Also, if you've read all of this, I'm sorry for wasting your time, its really pointless ramble. If you've gained anything from it, congratulations. You're got a better grasp of my problems than I have.
Heres more useless bullshit.