Before you read this, I am very appreciative of the fact we can ski and the facilities in the UK, however I think it deserves a little bit of stick as it is overpriced and definitely not perfect...

You may know us as fridge monkeys, often found mucking about on tiny features doing small spins in a glorified fridge. But there is more to know than just that about a british freeskier. Think of me as a worse version Christopher Columbus except I will be exploring the wonders of british skiing.

My first endeavour is to a slope of toothbrushes, this is also know as dendix. This slope of toothbrushes is often found on a tiny hill about a 100 metres long, and about as steep as wheelchair ramp. The amazing surface enables you to ski, I can do crappy 180s, do useless gaps, do a 2ft rail, jump over a box, and do a grab off a jump! But waitÖ then I look up at the incredible, bleak, browny yellow slope of toothbrushes that I have just skied and realise how awful this is, and realise a five year old is probably finding this easier than me, but why should I care I'm 'learning' with my 180's now turning into 200's, but if you ask my friends, I tell them I'm doing cork 720s because I'm a free skier so I have to brag because no one knows nor cares what I am talking about.

With a successful trip to the wheelchair ramp covered in toothbrushes with some metal poles sticking out and a 'jump' (ledge), I am off to the next haven of british skiing. Before my trip I googled 'skiing in england', websites saying 'why would you want to ski in England!?!' written by some american or a cynical brit trying to fit into the american freestyle scene. Eventually after the 110th page on google, I find the snow dome website. Ironically the slope is a 110 metres long, like the page on google. I paid my yearly wages to get there on fuel and then I have to spend my bonus so I can get a 'ski pass' for 4 hours on a Friday night which is the same price as a real ski pass in europe. When I get there I realise this is just a fridge. I am ecstatic at this prospect though, because I'm skiing so who really cares. Standing at the top I'm feeling very claustrophobic under the roof which I could probably reach if I go over the 'jump' quick enough. But my fears subside as I quickly realise there is no way I could pick up enough speed on the slope, which is as steep as my bathroom floor, to hit the roof. I then hear some 'sweet' rap music with the DJ who sounds like he has just discovered rap. Next I hit the jump. I do a 'cork 9' and 'stomp it' (screw up and do a 120). The landing also has this really useful hole in it, helpfully carved by the infestation of snowboarders. Nevertheless as always I 'stomped' the trick. But as I ski away, some 12 year old kid in a tall tee down to his ankles says 'that was hella sick bro' to which I swiftly reply 'thank you kind young sir'. After that intense encouragement which sounded like someone who was confused about their nationality, I manned up and hit a 'street rail' I am not sure what this is, but what they made was a 4ft rail with a jump up to my ankle and the rail put as high as my face. On the rail, to go with the Deion Sanders blurting from the speakers which sound like they are on steroids, I have an array of disco lights completely out of time with the music lighting my crotch. Nevertheless as usual I do a K mega fed, double switch up 1020 out and stomp it (miss the rail) onto a flat landing, which later gives me screwed up knees, and I ski off steezy, skis wide apart, doing the snowplough. But I donít care because Iím skiing in England.


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