Ski Actually

Ok guys this is super long so fair warning. I figured it would be a funny satire to have all the different types of skiers on the mountain meet up in funny circumstances and possibly get laid. This is just the intro. Feedback, good or bad appreciated. Happy New Year!

Ski Actually
The Park Skiers:
At the crack of 10:30 AM the waft of sour diesel fills the nostrils of the 140 lb 5, 11 long haired college student sleeping on the couch. Dreams of cork 9s angled to perfection, followed by a wild night with that one girl at the bar next to the lodge are rudely interrupted by A$AP Rockys' Ghetto Symphony.
"Bro! Get the fuck up! It's sunny as fuck! Hit this shit"
His roommate, Logan, is an early riser. He's already eaten a breakfast of one Poptart and a half full PBR from last night and has rolled up a joint with precision that should have been utilized in his skipped carpentry 101 class. Eager to hit the slopes 30 minutes away he's blown the fattest hit possible into his best friend's sleeping face, after turning up his docked ipod to 45.
"Ahh word"
Groggily Ashton, our protagonist, smiles between crusted eyelids and extends a sinewy arm to accept the early morning offering.
"Want me to pre-roll a couple for the hill?"
A typical ritual on "skip day" Fridays involves Ashton offering his honed rolling skills in exchange for smoke outs on the chairlift.
"Already done my dude, no worries, I'm leaving in ten so get your shit together"
Logan also had two Redbulls left over from last nights' thirsty Thursday vodka party; which consisted of himself, Logan and their other roommate JB playing COD gun game and the loser taking a shot, every round. They played 32 rounds before they all passed out.
"Fuck dude aiight, where the fuck is my cellphone"
Ashton's cellphone was in his pocket.
In precisely 39 minutes they are headed out the door, joints in the trusty Altoid container, all six lighters stashed variously in the 45 pockets split between the two park rats' gear, and ipods both, amazingly fully charged, a true miracle. They crank up Logan's 07 Subaru outback with more stickers on it than girls conquered between the two of them. Logan left his boots in the car once again and begins bitching about how cold his feet will be all day while Ashton ques up his "pump up" playlist and they are off. A quick stop at the gas station for the obligatory pre-ski breakfast of donuts and Redbull proves uneventful.
"So stoked they finally have the park up! This is the year bro! Gonna get that switch rodeo first run today man, first fucking run!"
Logan, on his third redbull of the day at 11:15 makes a bold claim.

"Yeah right dude you didn't even try one last year"
Ashton, who is the undisputed better skier of the pair due to his training in gymnastics and affinity for skateboards scoffs, his bag of tricks far exceeds his eager friend. Not only is Ashton better at skiing he is better at EVERYTHING. Getting girls (tall, dark and handsome), better grades in school, better at sports (captain of the soccer and track team). Ashton even has better clothes than Logan, who is a little less well off. Logan, on the other hand plays the part of clown/wing man to perfection, always deferring to his more handsome friend when the hot girl arrives and taking the less attractive girl home for himself which actually proves more profitable for Logan in the long run. His ability to make girls laugh is Logan's ace in the hole.
Ten minutes from the hill panic sinks in.
"Please tell me you charged the GoPro?"
Logan looks down at his feet
"Dude!!!"
Ashton is furious.
"It's chill man we still got at least half a battery on it"
"You said that last time and we ran out third run, literally right before I dropped in for my switch 7."
Ashton had been trying that trick all last year and had finally mastered it for the camera, when it the battery died.
"Whatever dude, I'm smoking you out, it'll be a good day"
A counterargument, while a different subject, was sufficient for Ashton.
The stoke level couldn't be higher as the two 22 year olds neared the mountain.

The Backcountry Aficionado:
A screeching alarm blares in the ears of a hungover, full time employed, fully clothed passed out on the wood floor next to his golden retriever, ski tech. With the wherewithal of a truly dedicated skier he awoke with a start at 3 in the morning to set his alarm for the powder day ahead. The night before had been a blur after about 8 pm. His efforts had once again proved fruitless in taking home that girl he had a crush on in the retail portion of the shop. She left at eight to go to some shitty show with her friends leaving Adam alone at the bar, again. As his best friend worked the bar, he proceeded to drink an entire bottle of cheap whiskey and literally pass out on the spot. His friend, luckily, owed him a favor and carried him the few steps back to his apartment and just chucked him on the floor.
"FUCK!"
It was 10:30 AM. Far past the desired wake up time he had set his snooze for at 8:30, but his snooze gave up after 5 valiant attempts at awakening. Like the first man to ever walk Adam makes his way to the kitchen for his pre-ski ritual of an entire pot of coffee, iced, and 6 full strength Advil. His night comes back to him as he finishes his coffee in one big crashing tsunami of a wave that ends with a mental picture of his crush naked. However, Adam is not one to dwell on the past. 9 inches of fresh powder and a sunny day is waiting for him. He makes his way to his perfectly arranged garage, zips up his appropriately sized mountain hardware gore tex ski pants, adorns his trusty beacon and with the swagger of superman in the phone booth whirls his red "cape" that is his $450 20K Patagonia jacket around his muscular shoulders. He is ready.
His 1999 dodge ram is parked out front. Adam is as apt with an engine as he is with the skis he tunes five days a week. He's never once had a problem with his car, which he attributes to weekly maintenance and frequent tire changes. His coffee mug is full but his gas tank is not. Briefly he stops in to the station for $20 on #3 when he sees a sight that sickens him to his core. Two stoned park rats are grabbing at every donut trying to get the biggest on in the back. Their sticky, dirty fingers ruining every donut on their path of destruction. Their unreasonably large tall tees sagging past their knees and their snow pants, of course size XXL, far too large and not able to stay around their skinny waists. Their shoes not even tied! Laced up with no ankle support, and no shoes that Adam thought should never be seen on two skinny white kids in college, rather hip hop artists or professional basketball players. They pay in crumpled up one dollar bills and swagger out of the doors while simultaneously holding up their pants and holding their terrible breakfast in the other.
"Fucking hoodrats"
Thought Adam. These weren't skiers. They've never skinned for an entire day just to camp out the next evening with the prospect of another skin the next morning at six am. They've never "earned" their turns, turns have only been given to them in the form of a terrain park which in Adam's mind was not even close to real skiing.
He was fuming about the park rats all the way up the hill. Fuming so hard he almost smashes into a minivan as it's pulling a u turn. All those brightly colored fucks thinking they are little fucking gangsters hitting those fucking side hits and doing shitty 180s. One of them almost ran him over one day on the cat track. Had there not been many families around Adam would have unclicked and threw the fuck down with the angsty teenager giving him lip. Adam earned his turns and was a respectful skier. He obeyed the laws and slowed at every slowed sign. He looked uphill when crossing sidehill and always yielded to the skier above him. The mountain was his sanctuary away from his alcoholic boss, his nagging parents, his ex girlfriend and most of all his underachieved life outside of skiing.
His anger disappeared, however, as he saw the mountain ahead of him.

The Overworked Father of Three on Family Vacation:
It's 10:30 AM and Joe already has a splitting headache. Somehow, only twenty minutes from the hill his stupid kid forgets her motherfucking helmet. After pleading with his wife to just rent her one he finally caved after enduring five minutes of hearing his 8 year old daughters screams that it's her favorite helmet. Nothing about this vacation was anything he had had in mind. No giant beers overflowing served by hot waitresses dressed in traditional German garb. No hot tubs or massage tables with similarly hot women. Not even his wife! Whom he'd assumed at the very least would be willing the sleep with him. Noooo, she had to be fucking pregnant! Again! For the fourth fucking time and let him know on the fucking plane. So, suffering from lack of sexual activity Joe was losing his mind, but not slowly, very very quickly.
"Alright, alright! WE ARE TURNING AROUND! Everyone hold on!"
"HONEY LOOK OUT!!!"
Screams his wife as they very nearly clip a truck headed up the mountain. This is the way Joe's vacation, his only vacation of the entire year is going.
Joe works in an office supply chain, at a desk, selling printers 5 days week. Every day at 5 PM precisely he heads to the bar where he hits on every girl he can find for exactly one hour until he leaves and must beat his wife, to the kitchen before she burns the fucking house down with her inability to both cook edible food or even work a fucking oven. Joe luckily is also a trained chef as his dream was to finish culinary school, but had to drop out two months before his finals because of the draft. 500 vista volunteer hours, twice as many joints smoked and 25 years of soul-sucking work later Joe was in a midlife crisis beyond most people's comprehension.
Joe loved his wife, about 25 years ago. He had a very strict policy to never cheat and had never done so out of respect for his marriage and children rather than respect for his wife. He was sure she had cheated on him, at least twice, with the same man; A lawyer, who brought in 2 million a year fucking over rich illegal businessmen. Joe made about 60K a year, which he thought was enough, but apparently she didn't.
In the past two days of this ski vacation, the flight had been delayed three times, he had cleaned up puke, twice, changed diapers, made lunches, went shopping for groceries and female pre natal accessories and listened to screaming and arguing for what seemed like every waking hour. The one bright spot was he managed a jerk off session at 3 AM the night previous while the rest of his party slept. Joe focused on the girl on the screen as he angrily sped back to the hotel for the fucking best helmet in the world.



The Three College Hot Girls That Barely Learned to Ski:
"Jenny you bitch!"
Usually that sentence would imply anger, but in this case it was affection. Cortney and Kali were both adorning themselves in their incredibly expensive ski gear bought in the village when Jenny enters the scene in designer leggings paired with an authentic white fur vest and a matching hat. Cortney squealed at this in delight, as Kali, who actually thinks Jenny is a bitch simply grinned as genuinely as possible.
It was 10:30AM, the official time non-skier girls in their twenties get ready to go skiing. In this fashion they only had to be skiing about a total of two hours, as lunch and pre-apres drinking would occupy the rest of the day.
"You look fabulous darling"
Cortney was the 23 year old daughter of rich businessmen that was currently in a gigantic lawsuit. In danger of losing all his money he of course sent his daughter and two best friends away for an expensive two week ski vacation so he could remedy the situation. Three blank checks were written, even though he could have just written one and it would have served the same purpose. Cortney was a 9/10, only lacking in the upper regions of her body which her father had promised to remedy when she finished college. She had perfectly natural blonde hair, a butt that was meant for an African but God mixed up the shipping address, and the perfect build of a model. Cortney was considered the fun, adventurous and wild one of the group, as she had to live up to her blonde locks
"Ahh thank you darling"
Jenny is a red head, a NATURAL red head which she is very proud of and tells anyone whom she meets which is everyone she is near. Jenny is a talker, a fast talker, like barely legible syllables fast talker. Like barely slow down a trained auctioneer and you have Jenny's cadence. Jenny is a 10/10 in appearance, but everywhere else leaves a little to be desired. She is "in college" only because her family can afford it. She is majoring in Creative Mythological Creatures, which happenes to be based on her favorite and only read book series, Harry Potter. Her course load has been light. Jenny is considered the slut of the group. That term would be vulgar if she didn't embrace the title wholeheartedly. Jenny is a man's woman, and currently has about 5 steady boyfriends that have no idea their counterparts exist. As it turns out Jenny's strength is in politics.
"Come on guys lets finish these lines before we go"
Kali is the proverbial foil to Jenny and Cortney. Although she also comes from a rich family Kali does everything in her power to not adhere to the stereotypical rich girl persona. She wears clothes that are meant for either 5 day music festivals or going to yoga. She has more bracelets, necklaces and headbands than most people have thoughts of sex daily. Her outlook on life is very liberal, and amazingly she is able to back that up with a passion for art, Buddhism, mediation and drugs. Being from a rich family and having a well connected brother means Kali has unlimited access to just about any drug she wants. Today it is coke, last night it was molly. Kali believes that drugs open the mind to new ideas and experiences. Unfortunately for her most of those took the form of new dudes and new ways to have sex. Kali has a dark side she lets show as she had been taken advantage of on multiple occasions both sober and drugged. She is searching for nice guy, a guy with values who respected women and who is safe. She has jet black curly hair and bright blue eyes. Everything about Kali is sexual even as hard as she tries to hide it. She is like a comic book character boys in the tweens figure out they are in love with before they know what love is. She is the prettiest of all three by a longshot, without trying.

As the three girls finish their coke with a side of mimosa, which is their sustenance for the day excluding more alcohol, they have no idea their obligatory appearance on the hill will turn out to be much more than they bargained for. Except Cortney, as she is assuming she will meet a famous celebrity like Justin Bieber and have passionate sex with him in the woods today. Her day would prove to be a bit of a disappointment, but most days were for Cortney.