Conformity: going against personal beliefs in an effort to stay within the social parameters of acceptance -Jackson Doremus
Conformity is possibly the biggest personal issue I have ever been exposed to. I am no exception to this problem, but I am pushing myself to change that. The battle against compliance is a personal war that I fight against every day. I may be one of very few, of my age, who understands this as intimately as a sociologist does, and this alone separates me from the masses that are innately blind to this issue. I experienced a life alteration that gave me a new perspective on myself, and what actually matters. This epiphany is what has given me a new outlook; one that includes the crushing stigma of what conformity has seared within me. This event happened when I was 15. I broke my shoulder skiing, and the doctor told my mother and me that there was no chance of me skiing or being active for at least eight months. Skiing is the most important thing in my life, and at the time I was in a position to compete at a junior olympic level. I had never felt more compelled to prove someone wrong after hearing the doctor say that. Two months later, I healed myself completely. It really is amazing what your body can do when you treat it well. I only ate a high calcium diet with lots of exercise and physical therapy and surprised even myself with how fast I healed. The essence of this accomplishment is what has given me a better appreciation for holding individuality as high as I do. At the time, I only proved to myself that I didn’t have to follow the lead of a doctor, but I managed to crack the shell created by society, opening for me the future that I am aspiring to reach now.
This story doesn’t sound special, but this was the first time that I had ever been actively fighting the word of authority. I realized how naive I had been, to the extreme degree of forfeiting my beliefs when I suffocated my individuality to conform to the lead of others. Similar to incurable diseases, I see the best solution to conformity is to seclude ourselves from it before it is too deeply ingrained in us to void. I am too late to live a life of pure identity, but since our future is held by the future of others, I see that the best way to divert the influence of conformity is simply the knowledge of it. Then, only the people who choose to realize the importance of what they know will be the change in this world. The followers will stay in the herd, but the ones who stand above it will make the difference and be their shepherds. So in my ideal future, the question to ask yourself is, “Do you want to be a sheep, blindly, and in many cases subconsciously following the lead of others, or do you want to be a shepherd, where you can break out of the societal mold, and use your dreams to pave the future?”
Every time i read this essay, I always find myself noticing something I dont like, but for the most part, I am sticking with this.
My essay is meant to be thought provoking. I chose the topic of making a change in this world or some bullshit. I didnt even read the questions honestly. I felt like they were restrictions, so I just wrote a paper about something I truly believe in. The emotions I tried to convey feel genuine (to me) and I am always happy with the central message of this paper. I then fit what I wrote into whatever the 3/4th question was.
the first sentence of my essay is sub-par. I am too wordy in this paper, but I after working it through to make it more mild, this is all I could accept. My explanation of healing back to full health feels forced, but my teacher wanted me to include it. I chose an opener that I had never seen before. Some people might like it, some people might think its gimmicky. All I am going for with it is to make it stick out to the reader, create some interest in something they hopefully haven't seen before, and put more thought into reading my paper to get the full effect out of it. The ending sentence of the first paragraph has been written atleast 20 times and I am still not sure if I like it. My opener of my 2nd paragraph feels like it could be misleading, especially to someone who isn't willing to put an mental investment into reading it. I cut out alot of filler, but I feel like there are brief gaps in transition sentences for the essay to run as smoothly as I want.
OP, The above critique is something you must do to yourself. I am sure that you have read your paper, and you can read some other piece of writing that is significantly better. You know this other piece is better no doubt, but what I suggest you try to do is figure out why your essay isn't comparable to a better piece. Try doing what I have done and just tear yourself apart. My critique is extensive and long (I dont even include grammar because my teacher said it isn't perfect, but the colleges are looking for legible essays and they dont give much a shit about grammar and punctuation compared to the story.
People in this thread have torn you multiple asssholes, some doing it much more nicely than others, but I care about this kind of shit if you are another skier, so I will try to help as much as I can. Ask any specific questions that you have, but as others have said, I would consider starting from scratch. This is an important paper, so putting in the time will pay off.
We don't need websites to plan our ski days, we just wake up in our car at the bottom of the mountain. -Ribss.
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