Creative Writing Help

I'm hoping to someday become a creative/persuasive writer, and I'm looking for some constructive criticism. Be honest guys, as it will only help me grow; what do you guys think of my piece entitled 'comment issued to a girl posting a dick joke on facebook'?

"not to shaft your vein attempt in any way, and i'ma let you finish, but... i just gave this a quick little glans, and i gotta say...you have a lot of balls to be releasing this kind of stuff all over my face-book. i mean, i know you're always full of spunk and that's great and all, but cum on, you gotta be nuts! seriously, i don't mean to sound like a dick or anything, and no hard feelings, but you're really gonna have to stick up and start to meat a higher standard if you ever hope to rise up again in the future. i know we've all been guilty of this kind of insensitivity, but i firmly believe that if you don't rigidify yourself in a jiffy, you'll end up a hardened criminal before you even blow it. and don't get me long: sometimes you'll get by without needing protection, but you have a very stiff sense of humor, camille, and this time it definitely chode through. and that's not a wood thing either, especially for a little pecker like you, so young and limp. wouldn't you agree that it's a little bit premature for this stuff to be coming out of your head? what a jizaster, honestly. like seriously, if there were even the slightest bulge of humor in it at all, i might let it slide, but quite honestly, this post sucks. it's really nothing short of a sack of bollocks. one simply does not have to think very schlong and hard to cum up with something so impotent as this, and i hope it won't ever fappin' again. and thrust me, it's not like i want to get off sounding like a complete jerk-off or a cocky prick, either (you don't genitally semen eject this degree of condomnation all at once), but i could easily spring up with a package loads better than what you've just erected here within a matter of seconds. Heck, I could go an even greater length to say (without hardly inflating the tissue at hand) that you've single-handedly given girth to a whole new level of indecent exposure with this post. by enlarge, i'd have to give it a big fat D. if i see it even once more, i might just have a stroke. for future reference, just re-member this: when endowed, try to avoid spewing anything that could in any way do damage to your pubic trimmage; things can get hairy when you don't keep an eye out.
p.s. please don't get all hung up on this, though, i really dont mean to be hardon you. we've all been in a pickle before, and sometimes when we're put to the testes, we get ourselves into sticky situations due to our shortcummings. Its all about how you pull out of it, and if you learn how to get a bit'a head in life, you will shoot far. Wieners never quit."