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Emotions getting the better of me

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Drail
Posts: 14011 - Karma: 10,001
I never actually thought I would make a thread on NS about my 'girl problems', but I need to vent and you guys are the best sponge I have right now (sadly enough).

So, I am 28 and I've had this serious girlfriend for the past 6 years, I broke up with her just over a month ago and immediately regretted it. A week after I broke up with her she agreed to meet me and I expressed to her my feeling and intentions. We both felt very optomistic about one day reconnecting but I had things I needed to work out and she needed "time and space" to think.

Well, I've figured my shit out, she's had her time and space and last weekend went to a three day rave with a bunch of rad people. After she got back from the rave she started texting me again finally, told me she misses me, but is confused. She will be getting into my neck of the woods in a few days before we both go into a music festival for the next 5 days. She informed me that she intends on being 'friends with benefits' with me before and during the festival. I can only assume she slept with someone else while at the rave, which could be the cause for her to take our situation a bit lighter.. Which I think I can deal with...

Now, I still love her and really really want to get back into a relationship with her, yet I don't want to be taken for a ride either. As much as I would love to have sex with her for the next week and move on, I don't know if it is for the greater good for my emotions. What should I do NS?

Should I be strong and tell her no. She can only have me if she takes all of me (body and mind)?

Should I just harden up and allow myself to be used and hope for the best?

If I am strong enough, I'm thinking about having sex with her once, but before we can repeat, get serious with her and tell her that it can't keep happening - would this help in the long run of us getting back together, or would it solidify the end of the saga?


Real life shit, I know - so no short version.
Aug 1 2013 12:27PM
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Spagett+
Posts: 3499 - Karma: 14,884
You can have my body if you want. ;)
Aug 1 2013 12:29PM
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Lemursodes
Posts: 27 - Karma: 99
To be honest it sounds like she just wants some sex from ya so I'd say try and work things out with her before letting the snake in the garden.

But what do I know, if she's hot just give it to her.
Aug 1 2013 12:36PM
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juicedrummer11
Posts: 1960 - Karma: 1,331

i say if there is any question about it in the long run and you aren't sure if your ready for a roller coaster ride, sinch up that belt and move on. i guaranteed if she wants it friends with bennefits style, she will take things a lot lighter than you by the sounds of it and then in the end you end up getting fucked, and not in the good way.

i say move on, forget about her for a while, do hoodrat things with your friends, even tho your 28, and take a load off. live the single life and say fuck bitches for a while. then if its meant to be, you will both come stammering back to each other in the end. if not you will find someone else and be like damn, idk why i even wasted my time with her.

but most importatntly you dont wanna be the one getting used then later in life say to yourself, well that was just a fucking waste of time and energy to get stamped on. trust me, i know from experience

Aug 1 2013 12:36PM
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Laurent.
Posts: 10054 - Karma: 25,277
When having sex with her, peer in her butt, this primal display of male dominance will make her fall instantly in love with you again.
Aug 1 2013 12:36PM
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pat_in_the_hat
Posts: 3019 - Karma: 2,695
really hate to say this, but you broke up for a reason. There is obviously something that displeases you in her, and after 6 years it only grew bigger and got worse instead of you two clearing it up and making it smaller.

You cant be friends with benefits with an ex, especially of 6 years. It wont work. Never will. Honestly man, if i were you, I would try my best to avoid her and start noticing all the other fish in the sea.
Who knows, maybe playing the field and being single will make you notice that every female is fucking insane and let you realize that your ex is less insane then all the others, thus bringing both of you back together. But she will have to realize the same thing. A relationship cant be one sided.

Bottom line, go have fun and enjoy being single. Your only young once. Only time can tell on alot of subjects
Aug 1 2013 12:40PM
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Jeebus.
Posts: 4904 - Karma: 5,822
I think you should play it by year, and see how it goes when you meet up with her again. If you are worried about her potentially having hooked up with someone else, maybe ask her? And who knows man, 6 years is a long time, i would not be surprised if she is willing to rekindle the relationship. Best of luck, man. And regardless of the outcome life goes on, and its not the end all be all like it might seem now. I hope that helps.
Aug 1 2013 12:40PM
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Huck_Norris
Posts: 11487 - Karma: 18,627
Being used is underrated.

Besides, why wouldn't you want to go and have fun? You say you've got your head together- what does that mean? You trying to get back together or are you over it- what is the intent?? I mean honestly even if you don't want to get back together, sometimes its good to have closure and leave it on a good/fun note.

I'd do it.
Aug 1 2013 12:43PM
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howlongcanausern
Posts: 4982 - Karma: 1,737
SHAMBHALAAAAAA

dude there's no way you're gonna go to this music festival and NOT want to be with her the entire time....be happy and be with her man, don't fight yourself like this
Aug 1 2013 12:44PM
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CaptainObvious.
Posts: 5711 - Karma: 20,627
A few people have said what I'm saying, but here goes.

Since you're both going to be at the music festival, you're kidding yourself if you think you'll have any fun if you don't see her. It's all you'll think about the whole time, so you might as well capitalize and have a good time with her.

Once the festival has passed, think about how the week went, and then come back to where you want to go with her.
Aug 1 2013 12:49PM
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UphillIce
Posts: 123 - Karma: 138
I second this.

She is probably still a bit pissed at you for breaking up with her and this will allow her to dip her toe in a bit more slowly before deciding if she really wants to go back out with you.

So obviously, you need to up your sex game. Thankfully for you, I got a bunch of emails this morning that promise to help you do exactly that. I'll forward them to you.
Aug 1 2013 12:52PM
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Turkelton
Posts: 2829 - Karma: 8,558
Stay strong
Aug 1 2013 12:52PM
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Edward.
Posts: 9366 - Karma: 445
coming from an outsider's perspective she doesn't seem to care about your feelings all that much. i say don't have sex with her, and maybe even consider selling your ticket to the music festival.
Aug 1 2013 12:52PM
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RubberSoul
Posts: 11249 - Karma: 14,642
yeah, i mean it's hard to tell what she's thinking and unfortunately due to the rules of the game, which we did not write but unfortunately must abide by, i think you should keep your cards close to your chest until you can feel out the situation

so what im saying is go for it but with an open mind and don't over extend yourself

one thing though-- the vibe i get from her expressing interest in you after the break is that she, like you, missed you during it but isnt leaping to be the one asking to rekindle the relationship

let us know how it goes.. now im curious ha
Aug 1 2013 12:53PM
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Drail
Posts: 14011 - Karma: 10,001
Sex was never an issue in our relationship, nor was it even a thought in the reasons of us breaking up. Because of that, I don't think that sex between us will change anything in her mind about what she wants from me.

Maybe I should just go for it. Act 'the man' and not care so much, but try and be assertive and confident (if that makes sense). After the festival (yes Shambhala), if she still won't tell me her intentions I guess I have to try and put her behind me and embrace being single.

I mean, I say all this now, but who knows what I'm actually going to do when the time comes to act. I'll keep you guys informed post Shambles as to how this whole thing works out.

Also, keep the advice coming, it's interesting reading different opinions on the matter.
Aug 1 2013 1:00PM
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snwbrdmilf
Posts: 22441 - Karma: 2,805
I definitely agree with going and having fun. But not if you think you're going to end up an emotional wreck if that's all it is. So yeah, if you can handle it, then go for it and have a good time.


As far as her intentions, 6 yrs is a long time, and you breaking up with her likely made her question the validity of the relationship. I mean, you must have talked about forever, marriage, etc. Breaking up after having those kinds of conversations could definitely leave someone feeling reserved and unsure if its worth going back to forever -- when you put a stop to that. If that makes sense.
Aug 1 2013 1:18PM
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Bogs
Posts: 4296 - Karma: 1,361
From my experience if you have to tell yourself to just "harden up" and "try not to care" but aren't 100% sure you can do it, then you won't be able to do it when the time comes and it just ends up being more miserable than before.

But on the other hand you only live once and miss 100% of the shots you don't take and all of that, and part of learning to live is accepting you can't always be happy and being able to take the bad times with the good.

So, all in all, I guess it depends on your own personal life philosophy. If you care about the girl enough and feel that the upside of potentially getting back together would be strong enough that you wouldn't mind suffering if it doesn't work out, then I say go for it. If not, then maybe be more cautious.
Aug 1 2013 1:36PM
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Drail
Posts: 14011 - Karma: 10,001
yeah. there's obviously a lot of 'details' about the relationship I didn't fully get into here. As I said though, I have dealt with my shit and I am fully confident that I am in a better position to get into a healthy relationship now. Takes two to make a relationship though and while I have forgiven her for her faults, I'm just not sure if she actually wants to make the changes 'needed' for us to get back together.

There was a lot of pain in the past year, even more pain when the break up happened, and I do understand why she isn't just jumping into this head first. Waiting for something that may never happen sure does teach you a thing or two about patience. Very rarely in life do I find myself with little to no control over a situation so this has been a very humbling experience for me.

I do know one thing though - the new mindset I have towards life and taking ownership of myself has made me very happy with who I am - and for that, I am stoked. If she decides that there is no future in us, I know I am going to come out a better person. I just wonder if I have to finally pack up and leave the ski town life if I want to find the kind of woman that I now want in my life. Everyone's gotta grow up sometime I guess.
Aug 1 2013 1:53PM
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MNS
Posts: 5386 - Karma: 3,241
I've been dating for 6 years too. I bet she's playing it cool. Your imagining worst case scenarios, which is a common thing to do. Play it cool for now and then tell her how you feel before the festival. Knowing you told her and knowing how she feels will clear your mind, so you can focus on having fun instead of wondering what will happen after the festival the whole time
Aug 1 2013 1:55PM
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Drail
Posts: 14011 - Karma: 10,001
Well, I just ditched shambhala a day early. Fucking worst case scenario. My phone is about to die, I'll be an open book and let you guys know how things went in a bit when I get to my computer. Shit got fucked. Hahaha (nervous laugh)
Aug 11 2013 5:43PM
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Drail
Posts: 14011 - Karma: 10,001
So. I got played hard. We did end up having sex, a few times. But at a festival of 15000 people, by chance, the dude who has been chasing her (and her allowing the chase) happened to camp right below me. So after we did our thing, with her agreeing with me the whole time that there is a future in us, she turned around and started hanging out with him right infrint of me. After talking with her about what the fuck she is doing she basically told me to go away while at the same time talking about the "saga" that is us and our future together. I just told her whatever "us" is or was us done and walked away without looking back. She has gotten herself way too deep in the drug game and she is totally fucked in the head. I'm over her shit and am now finally free - but fuck man, that was one hard weekend on the emotions. I'm not sure if I learned any real lesson this weekend, but at least I now have mental clarity in the fact that she is poison to me and I don't want any part of her in my future.

A word of advice - if you are going to do drugs, ALWAYS keep tabs on your shit. Do not get deep enough so that they destroy you. I guess that is the lesson I learned this weekend.

Life is crazy sometimes
Aug 11 2013 6:56PM
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Mr.Huck
Posts: 6096 - Karma: 14,893
My personal opinion is that there is a sleaze threshold in all of us. If you are with someone and they do something that goes beyond this threshold, it's over. You may be able to force it to work again for awhile, but it won't last. No matter what great times you had together, once you see that side of them, you will never be able to completely get beyond it. You will always wonder if or when they will go there again. Move on dude, and don't look back.
Aug 11 2013 7:17PM
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Bodhisattva_
Posts: 5749 - Karma: 2,009
I am an emotional wreck because of a girl. I'm only 18.

Thanks for proving to me that 10 years from now it will suck just as bad.
Aug 11 2013 8:36PM
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Mr.Sloth
Posts: 5091 - Karma: 13,469
I dated a girl a while back who pulled the whole "I still have feelings for you blah blah" while being a slut- basically all you need to know is that bullshit ain't worth it. You did the right thing
Aug 11 2013 8:52PM
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Drail
Posts: 14011 - Karma: 10,001
yeah. it's tough, but I know this is what has to be done. I had (still have) so much love for her, but I don't think she is mentally stable enough to even comprehend how much I wanted to be with her and help her. I worry for her with the path that she is continuing down, but I can't follow her any more or it will utterly destroy everything that I am.

Having to walk away from someone that is going down a dead end street is the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with in life. I am experiencing more sorrow over this than I ever had when a loved one has passed away.

One day at a time I guess.
Aug 11 2013 9:11PM
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Drail
Posts: 14011 - Karma: 10,001
Emotions, trust and relationships are a bitch. From my experience as well as other friends of mine that are my age or older agree that things like trust and love get harder as you get older. Don't mean to sound like a bitter fuck but as time goes on, issues become bigger and more real.

I guess through time you learn to not invest your love so easily into someone just because it's convenient.
Aug 11 2013 9:18PM
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PeppermillReno
Posts: 4748 - Karma: -565
You are a hamburger. She wants filet mignon. Like a burger of course if she is hungry (lonely, desperate, horny, etc) she'll eat you but she'd rather have someone else and something better.

The only play is to play her at the same game and hook up with her but look out for someone better and keep your options open. This should be the natural response not whine on a website about it. If you can't do that i guess you can stay home and jerk off.
Aug 11 2013 9:47PM
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SFB
Posts: 8895 - Karma: 26,346
you guys should write for the ask amy section of the newspaper.
Aug 11 2013 9:59PM
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Bogs
Posts: 4296 - Karma: 1,361
hahahahahahahahaha at least you're learning this lesson at a (relatively) young age.

And to Drail, that's pretty rough what you went through. But at least you're able, and strong/smart enough, to recognize when bad situation and to try and get out of it and move on. That's more than you can say for tons of people.
Aug 11 2013 10:04PM
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northeast
Posts: 2119 - Karma: 254
I literally get rejected by girls every single time I give it a shot. I didn't read the OP, but welcome to life. quit crying, grow some balls and realize that the love you're looking for is inside of you.
Aug 11 2013 10:11PM
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Bogs
Posts: 4296 - Karma: 1,361
you really ought to read the op; this post really just makes you look like a complete moron.
Aug 11 2013 10:21PM
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northeast
Posts: 2119 - Karma: 254
second time visiting this thread, second time ignoring the OP. still standing by what I said; "quit being a pussy" is the answer to all rational emotional problems.
Aug 11 2013 10:43PM
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.MASSHOLE.
Posts: 7408 - Karma: 11,040
Second time someone is telling you read the OP. Some shit actually has to be dealt with rationally rather than say fuck it all and walking away. Chances are, if that is your approach, you will encounter issues big time as you grow older.
Aug 11 2013 10:59PM
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daannnnieel
Posts: 5163 - Karma: 4,293
just be honest with her, and yourself. By the sounds of it, you couldn't do it, or you would fuck something up. Sometimes, it's best to leave things alone.
Aug 11 2013 11:01PM
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Bogs
Posts: 4296 - Karma: 1,361
fair enough. Just letting you know that you, a kid who has (presumably) never kissed a girl and definitely never had a real relationship, sound like a fucking dumbass giving romantic/life advice to a 28 year old getting out of a 6 year relationship.
Aug 11 2013 11:17PM
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newnewschool
Posts: 400 - Karma: 439
Just cuddle with her and maybe kiss her once. This will show her that while you still love her you will ultimately take control of the situation.
Aug 12 2013 2:21AM
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Drail
Posts: 14011 - Karma: 10,001
So, thought I would give you guys full closure from my summer. I have learned a lot about love, life, respect, and acceptance.

My lady and I decided last night to get back together. Since Shambhala we have been talking, working things out, hanging out, going to 'raves' (er - I mean festivals) and parties to feel each other out and see if we are actually still compatible and if there really can be trust and acceptance between us.

Two and a half months after we broke up, we are now back together. I'm moving back into the house at the starting of October, and I learned a LOT from this experience.

Advice for those who want it?

Own your shit - take responsibility for your problems, don't blame outside forces for things your ultimately chose for yourself. This goes beyond relationship advice, this is probably the best thing I can advise people for life in general. You can learn a lot about your sub conscious and what your true intentions are in life if you take ownership of what you have done.

It's kinda like the difference between "I can't find my shoes, have you seen them?" and "Who took my shoes?"
Sep 7 2013 1:52PM
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