I told this story a while back in the PWOYM thread. Here are the sparknotes:
Caught some 12 year old kid riding off with my bike. Couldn't make it up the hill (singlespeed road bike that was too big from him), he fell off and nutted himself on the top tube, all the while i'm chasing after him wielding a bike multitool. His mom pulls into the parking lot to pick him up, she sees me standing over him and thinks I beat him up. I explain what happened, she buys me barbecue and makes him walk home. 'twas a good day.
-"If I were ever a surgeon I would have to resist the temptation of squeezing peoples intestines like a tube of toothpaste"
Me-"I'm never brushing my teeth again"
"This chick asked me about stuff you like, I Couldn't think of anything other than Butts, Boobs, and Skiing"
"what river is this?"
"shut the fuck up river"