It's going to take you forever to get drunk if you're watering down Coors Light with Iced Tea.
If you man up and take a shot or two of everclear at the start of drinking, you can be a pussy and drink watered down light beer all you want for the rest of the day.
The best thing for you, though, would be to make a daquiri and funnel into an empty PBR can. Everybody's going to think you're really cool for drinking PBR but really you're just enjoying the delicious sweetness of a daquiri. Also, you'll be able to make violent hand gestures without having to worry about losing any of your drink.
Tough guy online. Non-confrontational in person.