Dear "Black Steve",
As you may know, I sit at the head of the board for the FD Ballers Club and oversee all meetings concerning hopeful new members. It has come to my attention that you have requested to be considered for admittance into the club.
Although we had never heard of you before, when the matter of your application to the club was brought up in our meeting today, we were happy to consider you for possible admission. We have considered other no-names before, and we pride ourselves on giving everyone a fair chance. After receiving your application, our board members did some quick research and looked at several things:
1. What aspects of your life do you "ball out" in?
Unfortunately we were unable to find any evidence of you "balling out". Our board members only found occasions of tom-foolery, general lack of hygiene, and an overall appearance of being homeless.
2. To qualify for the Ballers Club, one must be able to ski at a very high level. How well can you ski?
It would appear that you have started skiing quite recently, and have a lot of trouble keeping yourself safe both in the air and on the ground. You appear to "nut" yourself frequently, which is of great concern to us since part of being in the ballers club involves being able to please a lot of women on a regular basis. If your male organs are not functioning properly, this could present a problem for yourself, and could damage the reputation of the Ballers Club.
This brings us to #3. What kind of prowess do you have with women?
It seems as though you mostly keep the company of men (there is of course nothing wrong with this). In the few occasions you have somehow managed to find yourself around women, we are told that you creep from a distance and begin crying when they approach you.
4. How involved are you with the skiing community? What pros do you know?
After checking some of the pro skier references that you listed on your application, we were able to verify that you HAVE in fact met some pros. Unfortunately the pros that we spoke to only referred to you as "that creepy kid that kept following me around asking for clippings of my hair".
5. Being a true baller takes a lot of detication and hard work. What kind of work ethic do you have?
It would appear that you are lazy and lack motivation, this may partially be why you haven't succeeded as a pro skier in the past. Get a job, hippy.
After reviewing all of these matters, the Ballers Club board has come to a unanimous vote. Unfortunately, we have decided to reject your application into the club at this time. Being a fake pro (amateur) similar to yourself, I understand the feelings of inadequacy and desire to become a real pro. Unfortunately for both of us, we are just not "pro material", a fact that you should come to terms with sooner rather than later.
You may be eligible to reapply after a 3 year period, but we do not want to give you any false hope at this point. It is extremely unlikely that you can condition yourself enough to be able to reach our standards in that time.
Thank you for your application, we wish you the best in the future.
FD Ballers Club Board President