I admire all of you who defy the elements, the wind, rain, snow, and cold to enjoy the vast reaches of the mountains that pierce the sky of our northern land. Be you a mountaineer, a ski racer, lift attendant, or snowboarder, the mountains and fresh snow kindle our desire for the excitement that the slopes bring us. Gravity is the harsh mistress governing our land. She has implemented edicts that every one of us loves to push to the limits. Like the ones who brought the Ring to Mt. Doom our common goal has cultivated the mighty bond of fellowship.
Fellowship is what brings me here today. As your brother it is my duty to warn you of the danger snowboarding has brought to you and to our land. The main reason people snowboard is because it appears cool. Do you wish to be the slave of all that seems couth? I ask all of us to rid ourselves of our bias and change for individual benefits as well as the common good. Put your board on the shelf and arm yourselves with a new pair of skis. Did not God outfit you with two arms and two legs? Why then must you confine yourself to one board to aid your alpine descents? Now is the time to become a skier! Every second we hesitate, more precious snow is pressed into hideous sheets of ice by side slipping snowboarders. Every moment that passes wrists snap as people are thrown into the ground by the cruel beast bound beneath their feet.
The time to become a skier is now and I repeat, now is the time to free yourself from the chains of snowboarding. See through the cloud of advertisements emphasizing the coolness of snowboarding. The wise knows that these ads are the snowboard companies’ last attempt to keep you as a slave to their truly uncouth products. Such companies see you as a number, money they can count on. The snowboard companies do not care about your safety or enjoyment of the slopes.
I have spent as much time on the mountains as Superman has spent saving the world, but the snowboard is something that only you can save yourself from. I have witnessed herds of young snowboarders who were eager to hit the slopes, yet their only reward was bruises on every part of their bodies. Who could put up with this abuse? I have seen acres of snow converted into sheer ice by side slipping snowboarders. What good does that do anyone?
Snowboards are harder to control than skis and require more work to turn, thus consuming energy that could have been used to stay warm and enjoy the snow. I just love being too tired to stand after three runs on my snowboard. I especially like it when my body succumbs to exhaustion, forcing me to sit in the damp snow for an hour. Don’t you love to be wet, cold and tired after a short day of trying to turn your bulky board inefficiently to (hopefully) make it down the mountain?
Many of us have always been loyal to snowboarding with hope stronger than the orphan girl Annie could muster, that maybe tomorrow, our snowboard will treat us kindly and we will enjoy ourselves. A hope that someday snowboarding will have the ease and style of the video game Amped. It is time for us to stop playing games. We must face the uncomfortable reality that skiing is superior to snowboarding. Carve your turns away from this world of false hopes and ski. That is what I said and I’ll say it again, step into the light, open your eyes, and ski.
Some have had the audacity to say it would be more comfortable to wait and ease into skiing. We must step outside our comfort level. Look outside your condo window. Moguls have been destroyed, jumps have been ruined, and powder has been scraped away. These horrendous conditions are all the result of snowboarding, and the mountain will continue to go downhill until these snowboard-inflicted atrocities are stopped! Is it acceptable to stand here and watch?
Naive snowboarders have argued that skiing is inferior because your legs get tangled up all the time. Do your legs get tangled when you walk?
I have even met some people who believe that snowboarding is more natural that skiing. Nothing could be further from the truth. When one drives a car, do they not face forward? When one rides a bike, does one pedal sideways? I ask you, should the direction you face when descending a mountain be any different from the direction you face traveling any other way? It is time to face forward. It is time to ski. Facing sideways only leads to self-destruction.
As God instructed Noah, we are instructed in our alpine adventures. Pairs, two skis and two poles are your secret to happiness.
If speed is your thrill, your are a skier. If control comforts you, you are a skier. If moguls are your fancy, you are a skier. If you enjoy power, jumps or groomed, you are a skier. If you are an adrenaline junkie, then you are a skier. If you value fun and enjoyment on the slopes, then you are a skier. I am proud to say that I am a skier. Beneath the breathable shell jacket and the baggy snow pants, we are all skiers at heart.
Do not be Truman. Do not be confined to your small and monotonous world only because it is all you have ever known. Be brave and embrace skiing for what it is, the key that opens an unimaginably spectacular world. Enjoy a selection of twice as many tricks. Relax as you carve effortless turns in an ice-free land. If you wish, you will be able to choose between a larger number of terrain variations, from moguls to powder. You will stay warm and dry because you will not have to sit in the snow in a futile effort to regain your strength lost because of an inefficient decent system. Injury numbers will decline and the collision rate will be reduced significantly with the increase in control and the ability to see everything in the direction you are traveling, all the result of facing forward and skiing.
Now is the time to change, Now is the time for revolution. Many of our brethren have already converted to skiing. Would you let your indecision hold them back from this alpine utopia? Our brothers who have already stepped into the light are holding the door open for our sake. We can not let them suffer the cold draft of snowboarding’s repercussions any longer! I say to all of you, grab a pair of skis now and end the suffering! I can not dictate your decision but as for me, give me skis or give me death!
The Chosen One