So I'm chilling with some friends in a building down the street from where I live, smoking weed and telling jokes, having a good time. This drunk girl I had sex with once earlier in the semester calls me up. She's saying all this annoying shit, blah, blah, blah. We switch to texting, and get to "my place or yours", because I was blazed and felt like a bone. Word. So we meet up, and I see it, holy fuck, she's way less attractive than the time we fucked, oh yeah, I was blackout drunk then. Whoops. Whatever, I'll do it anyway.
We get to my room, it's the usual routine, lights out. Commence making out. Then suddenly I realize we'd been making out for what felt like forever. I move my hand down on her and she keeps pushing it away. I say straight off to her, "what'd you come here for, then?", and she's real put out, she says "to cuddle and talk". Rage initiated. She starts dumping her life story on me, intermittently giving me these wet nasty sloppy kisses, and I'm just laying there staring at the ceiling. She really was a nice person, and while I'm pretty caustic, I wasn't cold hearted enough to flatly tell her to leave. So I say "yeah, kind of a let down that you came here to do anything but fuck." at first she's real put out again, but after a bit more life-dumping she starts moaning "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, uggggh I'm sorry" repeatedly.
finally I'm just like "stop apologizing, y'know, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it." but she doesn't really get the message, and eventually says "okay, you can fuck me anyway". So I halfheartedly commence, finger her, she cums, yee-haw. Directly post-o, she pushes my hand away again. Fuck, what now? She whispers "sorry sorry sorry" and decides to snuggle with me. Utterly fed up and ready to tell her to leave, I get a better idea. I burst out into maniacal laughter, literally like a witch cackle, and start to shake. "AAAAAAAHG WTF IT'S HITTING ME AHAHAEHEHEHAHHHHH" and she's freaking out, asking me what I took. "of course you would" she says. "HORSE? Horse I would, ahahaha. I am a horse. I like horses sometimes AHAHAHAHAHAEEEEE".
"wow, fuck this, where is my shirt?" she says, and I start whistling "the final countdown" and shaking wildly. I tell her I have to get in the shower NOW or I'll die. I run into the bathroom and commence showering.
I dry off, come out, and she's gone. Mission: accomplished.
Just sharing because this literally just happened, and it's the greatest sense of accomplishment I've ever felt.
tl;dr, I tried to shag some sensitive fatty, she wanted pillow talk, so I acted like a psychedelic-addled freak to get her the hell out of there.
Oh, and don't ask for pics. Seriously not gonna happen.