Daily Mail – A woman died from a heart attack caused by shock after waking up to discover she had been declared dead – and was being prepared for burial. As mourning relatives filed past her open coffin the supposedly dead woman suddenly woke up and started screaming as she realised where she was. Fagilyu Mukhametzyanov, 49, had been wrongly declared deceased by doctors but died for real after hearing mourners saying prayers for her soul to be taken up to heaven in Kazan, Russia. Devastated husband Fagili Mukhametzyanov, 51, had been told his wife had died of a heart attack after she’d collapsed at home suffering from chest pains. Mr Mukhametzyanov said: ‘Her eyes fluttered and we immediately rushed her back to the hospital but she only lived for another 12 minutes in intensive care before she died again, this time for good. ‘I am very angry and want answers. She wasn’t dead when they said she was and they could have saved her.’ Hospital spokesman Minsalih Sahapov said: ‘We are carrying out an investigation.’
Anyway, this has to be legitimately the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the world. Except for actually being buried alive. Ordinarily I’d call bullshit because by the time you’re laying in a coffin you’ve been pumped full of formaldehyde but then I saw the picture of her wrapped up in a goddam carpet. All seems much more plausible after that photo. Who the fuck knows what goes on in Kazan, Russia. Any place where you can be declared dead when you’re not probably just wraps you up in a dorm rug and dumps you in the river.
Scariest part for me would be waking up and seeing that the only two people who came to pay their respects would be kmarko and Feitelberg. Not even fuckin Manzo would come. I’d wake up, see those two fags and if I didn’t have a heart attack I’d find some other way to kill myself immediately.
In any event, somebody sign these doctors up for the Mets medical staff. These motherfuckers will fit right in. “Hey Ike you’ve got a bone bruise and you need to wear a boot OH WAIT never mind we need to amputate your leg immediately.” I swear one day they are gonna say David Wright needs to hit the 15 day DL and he’s going to be clinically dead.