This is a letter that a guy I know wrote to a teacher in order to explain why his paper was awful, yet profound.
I thought it was well worth the read
I, as an author, am very unaccomplished, uneducated and unenthusiastic.
This specific set of traits resulted in the undermining of this essay, turning it from a potential opportunity to learn vast amounts of American history through literature and generally unenlightening experience, to an experience that may have changed my life by pushing my limits of procrastination to a level which I previously thought to be unattainable by a mere mortal. This English paper helped me achieve such a state of nirvana by testing my abilities to think on my feet, feign excessive interest in literary analysis, and formulate preposterous and over-analyzed literary theses.
This essay forced me to formulate ideas on the spot.
This specific quality is very important to one who procrastinates, for one main reason: when caught in the act of doing absolutely nothing, one must pretend he is doing something to create the illusion of productivity. An example of this was on Thursday, May 4, the day we as an English class were expected to have formulated our thesis statements, which were to be scrutinized by Ms. Wyatt that very day. At the time I was supposed to present my thesis to the teacher who was looming over me I quickly blurted "It is written in my notebook, and I was just transferring it to Word, and I will inform you when the process is complete". As you can see I neither had a thesis, nor was I translating it to a word processing document on the computer, which forced me to think on my feet. Another instance of this ingenious behavior was on Friday, May 7, about the time I was actually stimulating my brain in an effort to formulate a serious thesis. My father walked into the room and asked me how my English paper was going. The words that came out of my mouth were like beautifully composed music that could now be called upon at will, “I am researching evidence which will later be compiled in a matter which would support my thesis,” I sang. This complex sentence, that was formulated in mere milliseconds, held my father at bay and allowed me to continue chatting on facebook while playing Bejeweled Blitz which resulted in the 256,000 point high score for the week, a metaphorical bitch-slap to the previous champion Slayer Ripper. I guess, Ms. Wyatt, we have different views on measuring success.
Due to my newly achieved ability to formulate over-analyzed and preposterous
thesis statements, my ability to procrastinate was increased tenfold. It is easy to feign credibility on such a controversial subject where everything is opinion. If you say something that sounds smart you might as well be saying something that is smart. An example of this is my back-ass-wards thesis statement:
“When reading Lawrence Ferlinghetti’s poems and his use of humorous diction, strategic scenery, and figurative language, you can truly and confidently embrace and accept the independence that everyone deserves.”
Take the first hypothesis, that humorous diction makes people “embrace and accept the independence that everyone deserves.” The most prominent reason why this is ridiculous is because Ferlinghetti’s poems aren’t funny, nor do they exhibit the use of humorous diction anywhere. But, as you can see, since it sounded smart and sincere it was given the benefit of the doubt of being a phenomenal conjecture. In addition, we can take the second statement offered in my hypothesis that “strategic scenery” makes people embrace their independence. Honestly, I really don’t know what strategic scenery means, however, Ms. Wyatt does, and that’s all that matters. In conclusion, this thesis statement was made without any prior reading of Lawrence Ferlinghetti’s poems, which would normally mean that my thesis statement is what most would call “utter bull****”. However, apparently to English teachers it would be called “phenomenal”.
Feigning extreme interest in something that nobody likes,
I have discovered, is a very effective way to make people think you’re doing something, and furthermore that you’re doing something important and effective. For instance, when my stepmother asked about editing my essay, I replied, “I am actually really absorbed in deciphering the relationship between Ferlinghetti’s use of strategic setting and embracing one’s independence”. While I know that strategic setting has nothing to do with one’s independence, everybody else must assume that it does. This essentially creates the illusion that you are wrapped up in something important and are enjoying the work, something that educators and parents dream about. In the case of my stepmother, she quickly exited the room, fearing that she was interrupting an immense thought process as well as keeping me from actually doing work. Where in reality I was looking up awesome off-map camping spots in CoD: Modern Warfare. However, the extreme enthusiasm serves a dual purpose. When someone thinks you want to write a good paper and learn then they try harder for you. Up in the writing center my paper was edited before anyone else’s due to my extreme enthusiasm. They wanted to help me write my paper, so I let them.
In summary this English essay furthered my ability to procrastinate
rather than my ability to write a good paper.
My experience with this paper was a good one.
Thank you Ms. Wyatt