The ultimate claim

I was born in Miami,FL,my mother was the first woman on the moon and my father was the first Native American to bat over .330 in the major leagues.When I was 7 years old my parents abandoned me in a small stream in Tibet.I was raised by a small pack of sewer rats until I was 9 when I was adopted by the Dahli Llama.He taught me how to hover above ground and bend metal using only my mind.I once stopped a hurricane using only a life preserver, a tent stake, and three shots of rum.I have had many women, most of whom have taken their own lives because they could not have my love. I can drive a golf ball over 460 yards, and I can hold my breath for two days straight.I helped Bill Gates develope Microsoft and I was also the first on the scene to find Jesus Christ dead.I have captured both the Sasquatch and the Lockness Monster but let them go for fear of legislative actions.I am the head of the largest Mob cartel in the world and I rarely wear underwear.I repair air conditioners free of charge and I only sleep on nonconsecutive Sundays.When I do sleep I recite the entire bible word for word followed by Websters Dictionary...the unabridged version.I have the career record for sacks in the NFL and I taught Michael Jordan how to shoot.I can fly when the sun is out just right and I also use my house as a shelter for the homeless.I once wrote the formula for Cold Fusion while doodling and I also fired Einsteins hair dresser for him.The bullet that killed JFK was really meant for me and I sketched the rough draft for the Mona Lisa.I invented the Cell Phone while Graham Bell was playing in his sand box. I can turn water into wine and the key Ben Franklin hung on his kite went to my Beamer.I destroyed my grandmothers cancer with chopsticks and a walnut and I teach ebonics to inner city youth.On Tuesdays I fly to the Galappagos to save a native seal species, I have never broken wind.I have never been scared and I can burp the entire Japanese alphabet.I closed the deal that brought the Statue of Liberty here and I once saved a small baby trapped on an ant hill.When I am bored I build churches in my yard. I can cook Minute rice in just a few seconds and I budget my time perfectly.I have won bull fights in Spain and I can eat just "One" Lays Potato Chip.Women want me and men want to be like me.I can match my clothes in the dark, I do not need to set my alarm to awaken. Beer nor Liquor can get me intoxicated and I know Origami but only on the 3rd of each month.I once found the meaning of life but didn't have a pen and paper handy to write it down.I placed first at Wimbledon and second at Daytona.I have taught my cat to speak Latin but no one cares because it is a dead language.I was once lost on the Alps for 4 and a half years and stayed alive by drinking my own Urine.I have wrestled Polar bears and tamed lions.I am thrifty but not cheap.When people speak of me they use words like "dazzling", "awe inspiring", and "easy to talk to". And yes, I obviously have plenty of spare time.

/claim