Its been a very long time since I've posted anything on here, and a ton of stuff has happened in my life since my last thread. While i was at work tonight i was thinking about my life over the past several years, and how i ended up where i am today. It was 5 years ago the last time i skied. I was living in steamboat springs, and i was in school at Colorado Mountain College. I moved out there be cause i was told by my doctors that i literally had nothing left to fuck up in my knees. So i figured if theres nothing left to fuck up then I'm movin' to colorado to ski. Unfortunatly I managed to find something else to tear. I was devastated when i tore my knee up more, it meant that my skiing days were over, for good it seemed like at the time. So I moved back to NC, thats where Im from orignally. I was excited to be goin home, but i quickly became depressed when the reality that i may never get to ski again started to sink into my head. I ended up havin' both my ACL's, and Meniscus replaced, this put me up to 27 knee surgerys. After those last replacements I was on a Dalaudid drip. The way that drug made me feel at that point was great. It made me feel the way i felt when i skied... totally free, just me, music, snow, and my skiis, and no judgement. I felt free again, i quickly became addicted to drugs. I used my knees as an excuse to get pain pills, i used depression as an excuse to get xannax, and i used my A.D.D. as an excuse to get Adderol. then in my free time i was always sercing for ways to get higher. I missed that feeling i got from skiing so much that i tryed to replace that feeling with drugs. I ended up dropping out of school, tryed to go back but I never went to class. Finally my parents had enough of my shit, They pulled an Intervention on me. I ended up going to a rehab in Atlanta for 3 months, the day i got out I started drinking. I felt like my life sucked because i couldn't ski anymore. I went back to North Carolina to try the whole college deal out, however i just got wrapped up further into drugs, I was justifiying my drug use bny telling myself," Well you can't ski anymore so just do drugs, they make you a feeling like skiing did." I started selling coke, and anything i could get my hands on. As a dealer i felt powerful, i felt popular, it made me feel good temporarly. But deep inside I becoming more depressed than I ever thought was possible. I ended up overdosing on feytanal patches one night, that scared me enought to try the sobriety thing out again, but trying to get sober in your play ground rarely works. I knew if i wanted a shot at regaining my life back I was gonna have to move. So I decided to move to Sarasota, FL. I figured that it was a beautiful place, there were no mountains around, and plus how can one be depressed living at the beach. And also no one knew who i was down there, I had no history to there knowledge. When i got there i really tryed hard to change my life around, however i was still depressed because my heart wanted to be in Colorado, and i missed skiing so fuckin bad. I quickly ended up finding drug conections in FL. Then i learned about pain clinics... That was the worst thing that could've happened. I knew i would get hooked up big time concidering that I've had 27 knee surgerys. I was right. I started doctor shopping, doing, and selling pills like crazy. I was getting about 600 pills a month. this went on for about 6 months. i did the one thing i told myself i would never do, i started shooting up. because of that i overdoesed 5 more times. Finally one friday i got arrested, I got caught with 256 pills, weed, and parapinalia. However they couldn't do anything about the pills cause they were perscribed to me, but i ended up losing everything after that. i had to pay 3 grand for a lawyer, i got robbed, and i ended up homeless. I wanted so badly for my life to end. But i wasn't placed on this earth to end up in jail, homeless, and depressed. I knew there was something out there for me, So i checked myself into a rehab in TN. I figured that if theres something that can make my life better then i'll do it. I've now been sober for awhile. Its a blessing that I'm alive today. I truly do belive though that the one thing that has kept me alive through my journey to hell and back is God, but also the dream that i will be able to ski again. I'm currently working, and doing my best to save money so i can move back to Colorado and teach kids how to ski. I want to spread my passion and my love for skiing to others. Anyhow i guess the point of me writing this was just to tell yall that dreams will keep you alive, and never, never give up on your dreams......
Whenever you feel like giving up,
you have to ask yourself,
which decision would you rather live with??