here it is
SOUTH PARK (passim)
STAN MARSH:
There’s a bunch of birds in the sky
And some deers just went running by
Oh, the snow’s pure and white
On the earth rich and brown
Just another Sunday morning
In my quiet mountain…TOWN
The sun is shining and the grass is green
(Under the three feet of snow I mean)
This is a day when it’s hard to wear a frown
All the happy people stop to say hello
TOWNSPERSON: Get out of my way!
STAN:
Even though the temperature’s low
It’s a perfect Sunday morning
In my quiet little mountain town
SHARON MARSH: Well, good morning, Stan.
STAN: Mom, can I have eight dollars to see a movie?
SHARON: A movie?
STAN: Yeah. It’s gonna be the best movie ever! It’s a foreign film, from Canada.
SHARON: All right, here ya go. But be back for supper.
STAN: Thanks, mom!
SHARON:
Oh, what a picture-perfect child
Just like Jesus he’s tender and mild
He’d wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown
What an angel
With a heart so sweet and sure
And a mind so open and pure
Thank God we live in this quiet redneck mountain town
STAN: [knocking on Kenny’s door] Dude! Dude, wake up!…Kenny, come on!
KENNY MCCORMICK: Coming!
STAN: Kenny, the Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come?
KENNY: [undecipherable]
MRS. MCCORMICK: Where do you think you’re going?
KENNY: I’m going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!
MRS. MCCORMICK: You can’t! You have to go to church.
KENNY: But mom, I want to go to the movie!
MRS. MCCORMICK: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
KENNY: Okay!
STAN:
You can see your breath hanging in the air
You see homeless people
But you just don’t care
It’s a sea of smiles
In which we’d be glad to drown
KENNY:
And this movie's gonna make our lives complete
‘cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet
STAN: That’s right!
STAN:
It’s Sunday Morning
STAN and CHOIR:
In my quiet little whitebread redneck mountain town
IKE BROFLOVSKI: Ba-ba-ba-ba.
KYLE BROFLOVSKI: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
IKE: Don’t kick the baby.
KYLE: Kick the baby. [kicks Ike]
Ike: [screams]
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI: [seeing Ike crash through the window] Ike! You broke another window! That’s a bad baby! Bad baby!
STAN: Kyle, we’re going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!
KYLE: Oh my God, dude!
SHEILA: Kyle, where are you going?
KYLE: Uh, we’re going ice-skating.
SHEILA: Well take your little brother out with you.
KYLE: Aw, ma! He’s not even my real brother. He’s adopted.
SHEILA: Do as I say, Kyle!
KYLE: Okay, okay, I’m sorry.
SHEILA:
Look at those frail and fragile boys
It really gets me down
The woild is such a rotten place
And city life’s a complete disgrace
That’s why I moved to this redneck, meshuggenah, quiet mountain town
SHEILA: [seeing Ike crash through the window again] Ike! Bad baby!
TV ANNOUNCER: This program is brought to you by Snacky S’mores: the creamy fun of s’mores in a delightful cookie crunch.
ERIC CARTMAN: [hearing doorbell ring] Mom! Somebody’s at the door!
LIAN CARTMAN: Coming, hon!
CARTMAN: [as mom walks in front of the TV] ‘ey, I can’t see the TV!
TV NEWS ANCHOR: It’s been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him.
LIAN: Oh look, Eric: it’s your little friends.
IKE: Cartman!
CARTMAN: What are you guys doing here? [seeing an ad for the Terrance and Phillip movie] Oh, sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!
CHILDREN:
Off to the movie we shall go
Where we learn everything that we know
‘cause the movies teach us
What our parents don’t have time to say
And this movie’s gonna make our lives complete
‘cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet
CARTMAN: Super sweet!
CHILDREN:
Thank God we live in the
Quiet little redneck, podunk, white trash
KENNY: [undecipherable]
CHILDREN:
U…S…A
OUTSIDE THE CINEMA
STAN: Can I have five tickets to 'Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire,' please?
BOX OFFICE CASHIER: No!
KYLE: What do you mean 'No'?
CASHIER: 'Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire' has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
KYLE: But why?
CASHIER: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.
KYLE: This, this can’t be happening
STAN: We have to see this movie, dude.
CARTMAN: Aw, screw it. It probably isn’t all that good anyway.
KYLE: Cartman, what are you talking about? You love Terrance and Phillip.
CARTMAN: Yeah, but the animation’s all crappy.
STAN: Wait, I’ve got an idea!
HOMELESS MAN: Uh, hi. I want six tickets to 'Asses of Fire.'
CASHIER: This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones.
HOMELESS MAN: Hey, he says this movie isn’t appropriate for you.
STAN: Look, Mr. Homeless Guy. If you don’t wanna buy us tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not go buy yourself a bottle of vodka; then be my guest.
HOMELESS MAN: Six tickets, please.
INSIDE THE CINEMA
KYLE: Let me have some candy, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Oh, let’s see. Uh…nope, I don’t have any Jewish candy.
KYLE: Why do you really need all that chocolate, fat boy?
IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba.
STAN: Shh, the movie’s starting!
CHILDREN: [as movie begins] Hooray!
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance. What did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynaecologist?
TERRANCE: I don’t know, Phillip. What?
PHILLIP: [farts in Terrance’s face]
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
STAN: Where do they come up with this stuff?
TERRANCE: You’re such a pigfucker, Phillip!
CHILDREN: [gasping]
KYLE: What did he say?
PHILLIP: Terrance, why would you call me a 'pigfucker'?
TERRANCE: Well, let’s see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
PHILLIP: Oh yeah!
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
TERRANCE: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
PHILLIP: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!
CHILDREN: Wow!
CARTMAN: 'Shitfaced cockmaster.'
TERRANCE: Listen, you donkey-raping shiteater!
KYLE: 'Donkey-raping shiteater.'
IKE: 'Dobee babing sheeteater.'
TERRANCE: You’d fuck your uncle.
PHILLIP: You’d fuck your uncle.
PHILLIP:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka
You’re a cocksucking, asslicking uncle fucka
You’re an uncle fucka, yes it’s true
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you
TERRANCE:
Shut your fucking face uncle fucka
You’re the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka
You don’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn
You just fuck your uncle all day long
BOTH: [farting in tune to the music]
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
AUDIENCE MEMBER: What’s going on, here?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: What garbage!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Well, what do you expect? They’re Canadian.
CHOIR:
Fucka, uncle fucka
Uncle fucka uncle fucka
Fucka, uncle fucka
BOTH:
Shut your fucking face uncle fucka
PHILLIP: Uncle fucka!
BOTH:
You’re a boner-biting bastard uncle fucka
PHILLIP:
You’re an uncle fucka I must say
TERRANCE:
Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday
BOTH:
Uncle fucka
That’s: U-N-C-L-E, fuck you
BOTH, WITH CHOIR:
Uncle fucka
PHILLIP: Suck my balls!
OUTSIDE THE CINEMA
KYLE: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
CARTMAN: You bet your fucking ass it was!
STAN: Fuck dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip!
CASHIER: Hey, wait a minute. Where’s your guardian?
KYLE: Huh?
CASHIER: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn’t you?
CARTMAN: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shiteater!
KYLE: Yeah!
KYLE:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka
CHILDREN:
You’re an anus-licking ball-sucking uncle fucka
THE SKATING POND
KID: Hey, where have you guys been all day?
STAN: Oh, nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie!
KIDS: [gasping]
KID: You saw it?
KID: How’d you get in?
CARTMAN: Hey, stop crowding us you shitfaced cockmasters!
KIDS: Wow!
STAN: Yeah, you’re all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!
KIDS: Oooh!
KID: We have got to see this movie, dude.
KYLE: Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother.
STAN: [singing to self]
There’s the girl that I like
CARTMAN: Hey, Stan. Tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal-wart.
STAN:
Now, more than ever
She gives me butterflies
It makes my stomach queasy
Every time she walks by
CARTMAN: Asshole, I’m talkin’ to you!
STAN:
I know I can be cool if I try
WENDY TESTABURGER: Hi, Stan!
STAN: [barfs on Wendy]
WENDY: Gross!
GREGORY: Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush.
STAN: Who are you, kid?
GREGORY: My name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a four-oh grade point average.
WENDY: Wanna skate with us?
GREGORY: We’ve been skating all morning, and laughing, and talking of memories past.
STAN: We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie!
GREGORY: Oh ho. Try and catch me, Wendy! [skates off]
WENDY: Bye, Stan.
CARTMAN: Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me?…I said WHO WANTS TO FUCKIN' TOUCH ME?
KID: [touching Cartman] Ooooh.
KID: C’mon, gang. We gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too! [the kids vacate]
CARTMAN: [to Kenny] I hate you, Kenny.
MR. GARRISON’S CLASSROOM
ALL KIDS:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker
You’re a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucker
You’re a- [all stop singing abruptly as Mr. Garrison walks in]
MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, let’s take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [to Mr. Hat] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let’s start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two?…C’mon children, don’t be shy. Just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: Twelve?
MR. GARRISON: Okay. Now let’s try to get an answer from someone who’s not a complete retard. Anyone?…Come on, don’t be shy.
KYLE: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.
CARTMAN: [mocking Kyle]
KYLE: Shut-up, fatboy!
CARTMAN: ‘ey! Don’t call me fat, you fuckin’ Jew!
MR. GARRISON: Eric! Did you just say the F-word?
CARTMAN: 'Jew'?
KYLE: No, he’s talkin’ about 'fuck.' You can’t say 'fuck' in school, you fuckin’ fatass.
MR. GARRISON: Kyle!
CARTMAN: Why the fuck not?
MR. GARRISON: Eric!
STAN: Dude, you just said 'fuck' again!
MR. GARRISON: Stanley!
KENNY: Fuck.
MR. GARRISON: Kenny!
CARTMAN: What’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
MR. GARRISON: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
CARTMAN: How would you like to suck my balls?
KIDS: [gasping]
MR. GARRISON: What did you say?
CARTMAN: Oh, I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Actually, what I said was: [speaking through bullhorn] 'How would you like, to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?'
KYLE: Holy shit, dude.
COUNSELOR’S OFFICE
MR. MACKIE: Well, I must say I’m very disappointed in you boys, m’kay? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Now I’ve already called in your mothers, but-
KYLE: [frightened] You called my mom?
MR. MACKIE: That’s right.
KYLE: [even more frightened] Oh no, dude!
CARTMAN: Mr. Mackie, can I ask a question?
MR. MACKIE: M’kay, what?
CARTMAN: What’s the big fuckin’ deal, bitch?
STAN: Yeah.
MR. MACKIE: Oh! N-now I wanna know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m’kay?
STAN: Nowhere. Uh, we heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
KYLE: Yeah!
MR. MACKIE: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said…uh, 'Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker.'
CHILDREN: [laughing]
CARTMAN: Hee hee hee, sweet!
KYLE: [as mothers walk in] Uh-oh!
MR. MACKIE: Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
SHARON: This just isn’t like you, Stanley.
SHEILA: What did my son say Mr. Mackie? Did he say the S-woid?
MR. MACKIE: No, it was worse than that.
SHEILA: The F-woid?
MR. MACKIE: Well here’s a short list of the things they’ve been saying, m’kay?
SHARON: Oh dear God!
SHEILA: What the heck is a 'rimjob'?
LIAN: Oh, why that’s when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass!
SHEILA: Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackie this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases.
KYLE: I…I…
STAN: We can’t tell you. We all took a sacred oath, and swore ourselves to secrecy.
CARTMAN: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie.
STAN: Dude!
CARTMAN: What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here.
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?
MR. MACKIE: Excuse me, what the heck is Terrance and Phillip?
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada. Nothing but foul language and toilet humor.
MR. MACKIE: Well, I guess I’ll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see 'Terrance and Phillip.'
CARTMAN: Everybody’s fuckin’ seen it.
LIAN: Eric!
CARTMAN: I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
THE LUNCHROOM
STAN: [singing to self]
There’s the girl that I like
Over there laughing with that smart ne-
CARTMAN: ‘ey! You’re holding up the god damn lunch line!
CHEF: Hello there, children!
CHILDREN: Hey Chef.
CHEF: How’s it goin’?
CHILDREN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
KYLE: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can’t ever see the Terrance and Phillip movie again!
CHEF: Oh, that’s too bad.
CARTMAN: You shoulda seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind, heh heh.
KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman!
CARTMAN: No, dude, I’d be scared too. Your mom’s a fuckin’ bitch.
KYLE: Don’t call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
CARTMAN: Don’t call me fat, you buttfuckin’ son of a bitch!
CHEF: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?
CARTMAN: [walking away] It’s pretty fuckin’ sweet, huh?
STAN: [lagging behind] Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
CHEF: Oh, that’s easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.
STAN: Huh?
CHEF: Ooops!
STAN: What does that mean, '…find the clitoris'?
CHEF: Uh…uh, forget I said anything. Move along, children, you’re holdin’ up the line.
STAN: You guys! Do you know where I can find the…'clitoris'?
KYLE: The what?
CARTMAN: What, is that like finding Jesus, or something?
MR. MACKIE: [over the PA] Attention, students! We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts are no longer allowed in school. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home immediately.
ALL KIDS, except GREGORY and WENDY: Hooray! [vacating]
TELEVISION
ANCHOR: The R-Rated Canadian film, 'Asses of Fire' is number one at the box office. But is the film destroying American youth? Here with a special report, is a midget in a bikini.
MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Thanks, Tom! It appears that the effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching, indeed. All over America, children seem to be influenced. Like at this spelling bee in Washington.
PROCTOR: All right, this is for the silver medal: spell 'forensics.'
CONTESTANT: Aw, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell 'forensics'?
OTHER CONTESTANTS: [laughing] Yeah! Woo!
CONTESTANT: Here you go. [writing on chalkboard] S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S, 'forensics.'
MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Tom, the devastating impact of the Canadian duo can also be seen with their new hit song, 'Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucka.'
PHILLIP: [hip-hop style]
Shut your fucking face, uncle fuck-ah
TERRANCE: [hip-hop style]
You’re a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka
PHILLIP:
A-a-a a-a a
Now I told you that, we won’t stop
Now I told you that, we won’t stop
MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Back to you, Tom.
ANCHOR: Thanks, midget. Shocking report! The controversy began in the small mountain town of South Park, where the local PTA is trying to ban the movie. With us tonight is the head of the PTA, Sheila Broflovski…
SHEILA: Hello, Tom.
ANCHOR: …and the Canadian minister of movies.
MINISTER: Thanks for havin’ me, buddy.
ANCHOR: Minister, parents are concerned about your country’s entertainment. Your thoughts?
MINISTER: Well, the film is R-Rated, and it's not intended for children to-
SHEILA: Well, but of course children are gonna see it!
MINISTER: Can I finish? The fact is that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage.
SHEILA: You just don’t care!
MINISTER: Can I finish? Hello? C-can I finish? The United States has graphic violence on television all the time. We can’t believe that a movie with some foul language would piss you off so much.
SHEILA: Because it’s evil!
MINISTER: Can I finish? Please, can I finish?…Okay, I’m finished.
ANCHOR: But Mr. Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams.
MINISTER: Now, now. The Canadian government has apologised for Bryan Adams on several occasions.
SHEILA: You Canadians are all the same. With your beady little eyes, and flapping heads. You…you’re trash!
MINISTER: I resent that! I find that racist, and-
SHEILA: Our children are now addicted to your filth!
MINISTER: You are a racist, ma’am! You are a racist!
SHEILA: It is going to take us weeks to erase the damage this film has done to our children!
REHABILITATION
MR. MACKIE: Uh, kids, I wanna welcome you to rehabilitation, m’kay? Your mothers insisted that you be taken from your normal schoolwork, and placed into rehab to learn not to swear.
GREGORY: I must say, I don’t think I belong with these rogues. I attended school at Yardale, and had a four-oh grade point average.
CARTMAN: [to Gregory] You’re a fuckin’ faggot, dude.
MR. MACKIE: M’kay, you see children? This is exactly what I’m talkin’ about. We have to get you off of foul language.
KYLE: How are we gonna do that?
MR. MACKIE: Well, listen here.
MR. MACKIE:
There are times when you get suckered in
By drugs and alcohol
And sex with women, m’kay?
But it’s when you do these things too much
That you’ve become an addict
And must get back in touch
You can do it
It’s all up to you, m’kay?
With a little plan
You can change your life to-day
You don’t have to spend your life addicted to smack
Homeless on the streets
Givin’ handjobs for crack
Follow my plan
And very soon you will say:
'It’s easy, m’kay?'
Step one: instead of 'ass' say 'buns'
Like 'Kiss my buns' or
'You’re a buns-hole'
Step two: instead of 'shit' say 'poo'
As in 'bull poo', 'poo-head', and 'this poo is cold'
Step three: with 'bitch' drop the 't'
‘cause 'bich' is Latin for 'generosity'
Step four: don’t say 'fuck' anymore
‘cause 'fuck' is the worst word that you can say
So just use the word 'm’kay'
ALL KIDS:
We can do it
It’s all up to us, m’kay?
MR. MACKIE:
M’kay
ALL KIDS:
With a little plan
We can change our lives today
MR. MACKIE:
You can change to-day
MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS:
You don’t have to spend your lives
Endin’ up in the trash
Homeless on the streets
Givin’ handjobs for cash
Follow this plan and very soon you will say:
'It’s easy, m’kay'
MR. MACKIE:
Step one:
KID:
Instead of 'ass' say 'buns'
KID:
Like 'kiss my buns'
KID:
Or 'you’re a buns-hole'
MR. MACKIE:
Step two:
SOME KIDS:
Instead of 'shit' say 'poo'
KID:
As in 'bull poo'
KID:
'poo-head'
KID:
And 'this poo is cold'
MR. MACKIE:
Step three:
ALL KIDS:
With 'bitch' drop the 't'
‘cause 'bich' is Latin for 'generosity'
MR. MACKIE:
Step four:
ALL KIDS:
Don’t say 'fuck' anymore
MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS:
‘cause 'fuck' is the worst word that you can say
KIDS:
'Fuck' is the worst word that you can say
We shouldn’t say 'fuck'
No, we shouldn’t say 'fuck'
Fuck no!
MR. MACKIE:
You’re good, you can go
MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS:
You don’t have to spend you lives
Endin’ up in the trash
Homeless on the streets
Givin’ handjobs for cash
Follow this plan and very soon you will say:
'It’s easy, m’kay?'
ALL KIDS:
It’s easy, m’kay?
MR. MACKIE:
It’s easy, m’kay?
ALL KIDS:
It’s easy, m’kay?
MR. MACKIE: [adopting a falsetto]
It’s easy, m’kay?
ALL KIDS:
It’s easy, m’kay?
It’s easy, m’kay?
It’s easy, m’kay?
MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS: [laughing]
MR. MACKIE:
M’kay…m’kay…m’kay.
Now you’re cured! You can take the rest of the afternoon off for personal reflection, m’kay? Find your own constructive way to better yourself, m’kay?
INSIDE THE CINEMA
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: [laughing hysterically]
TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, I hope you’ve learned something through this whole experience.
PHILLIP: I did, Terrance. I learned that you are a boner-biting dickfart buttface.
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
TERRANCE: Want to see the Northern Lights? [lights fart on fire and burns to death]
PHILLIP: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.
TERRANCE: [laughing] I sure did, Phillip!
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
BOTH and CHOIR:
Uncle fucka!
You got it
KIDS: [cheering]
CARTMAN: Yes!
KID: This movie rules!
OUTSIDE THE CINEMA
KYLE: Man, that movie gets better every time I see it!
CASHIER: Hey!
CARTMAN: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can’t do that.
KENNY: Yeah, you can!
CARTMAN: No way.
KENNY: Yes you can. I’ve done it before.
CARTMAN: Okay, Kenny. I’ll bet you a hundred dollars you can’t light a fart on fire.
KENNY: [undecipherable] [lights fart on fire, laughing hysterically, lit fart erupts into general conflagration, screaming hysterically]
STAN: Holy shit, dude!
CARTMAN: Ah! Oh my God! Hey! [begins beating Kenny with stick] Aw, shit! Aw, shit! Ahh!
STAN: Somebody do something!
CARTMAN: [distraught] This stick is on fire!
STAN: [to Cartman, as dumptruck dumps salt on Kenny] Oh my God, you killed Kenny!
KYLE: [to Cartman] You bastard!
CARTMAN: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?
HOSPITAL
SURGEON: Load that IV with 70 cc’s of Sodium Pentathol!
NURSE: We just called the parents.
KYLE: Oh shit, dude! Now our moms are gonna find out we went to the Terrance and Phillip movie again!
SURGEON: Vacuum! Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus!
STAN: Dude!
SURGEON: No! That doesn’t go there!
CARTMAN: Aw, crap!
KYLE: Gross, dude!
CARTMAN: That’s sick!
NURSE: Watch his liver.
ASSISTANT: I’ll get it!
SURGEON: We have precious little time left, people! We’re gonna lose him soon.
NURSE: Doctor, his heart stopped!
SURGEON: Let’s get it out of there! We need to zap this, quick! [opening microwave] Who’s making a potato?
ASSISTANT: My bad, sir! I missed lunch.
SURGEON: Dammit! I’m not gonna lose this kid…Close him up, we’ve done all we can. The rest, is up to God…Kenny, Kenny can you hear me?
KENNY: Oh shit, dude.
SURGEON: How are you feeling, son?
KENNY: Where the fuck am I?
SURGEON: Great! Son, I have some bad news. We…accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.
KENNY: What? [explodes]
CARTMAN: Ah! Fuckin’ weak, dude!
STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
SURGEON: Dammit! It never…gets…any…easier! [walks away whistling]
CARTMAN: I bet him he couldn’t do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.
STAN: C’mon Cartman, it’s not your fault.
CARTMAN: No, I know. I’m just fuckin’ stoked I don’t have to pay him.
KYLE: Oh, that’s real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck! [parents enter room]
SHEILA: So, boys. You saw that movie, again?
CHILDREN: [resignedly] Yes.
SHEILA: Well Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!
KYLE: Grounded?
SHARON: And you, Stan. Come on.
LIAN: And you’re grounded for three weeks, Eric.
CARTMAN: ‘ey, why am I grounded more? That’s fuckin’ bullshit!
SHEILA: What-what-what? What was that word young man?
HEAVEN
[Kenny is denied access, and is instead sent to Hell]
PARENTS’ ASSEMBLY
SHEILA: Parents, our children are out of control! This is what happens when toilet humour is allowed to run rampant!
SHARON: That’s right. Kenny set himself on fire because he saw Terrance and Phillip do it in that dirty movie.
SHEILA: We must stop dirty language from getting to our children’s ears. We must go fight the source of it.
SHARON: But what is the source?
SHEILA: Oh, that’s easy.
SHEILA:
Times have changed
Our kids are getting worse
They won’t obey their parents
They just want to fart and curse
SHARON:
Should we blame the government?
LIAN:
Or blame society?
TWO PARENTS:
Or should we blame the images on TV?
SHEILA: No!
SHEILA:
Blame Canada
PARENTS:
Blame Canada
SHEILA:
For their beady little eyes
That plant their heads so full o’ lies
SHEILA and PARENTS:
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
SHEILA:
We need to form a full assault
PARENTS:
[undecipherable]
SHARON:
Don’t blame me
For my son Stan
He saw the darned cartoon
And now he’s off to join the Klan
LIAN:
And my boy Eric, once
Had my picture on his shelf
But now when I see him
He tells me to fuck myself
SHEILA:
Blame Canada
SHEILA and PARENTS:
Blame Canada
SHEILA:
It seems that everything’s gone wrong
Since Canada came along
PARENTS:
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
PARENT:
They’re not even a real country anyway
MRS. MCCORMICK:
My son could’ve been
A doctor or a lawyer, it’s true
Instead he burned up
Like a piggy on a barbecue
PARENTS:
Should we blame the matches?
Should we blame the fire?
Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?
SHEILA: Heck no!
SHEILA and PARENTS:
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
SHEILA:
With all their hockey hullabaloo
LIAN:
And that bitch Anne Murray, too
SHEILA and PARENTS:
Blame Canada
Shame on Canada for-
They’re smutting us up
They’re tracking in trash
The laughter and fun
Must all be undone
We must blame them and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming us
THE MARSH RESIDENCE
SHELLY MARSH: All right, you turds, listen up. Your moms are away at a meeting, and they put me in charge of you. But you’re still grounded, so you’re not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?
STAN: Shelly, where’s the clitoris?
SHELLY: [breaks chair over Stan’s head]
STAN: Ow!
SHELLY: Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut, while I go listen to my Britiney Spears records. [goes to her room]
STAN: Okay, it’s clear [turning on the TV]
CONAN O’BRIEN: Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now. Please welcome Terrance and Phillip!
O’BRIEN AUDIENCE: [mixed cheers and boos]
CHILDREN: Hooray!
TERRANCE: Hello, Conan. Hello, Brooke Shields.
CONAN: Guys, some people claim that your Canadian humour is nothing but immature fart jokes.
PHILLIP: That’s not true. Take this classic Canadian joke for instance. [clears throat] Excuse me, Terrance.
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: [farts on Terrance, blowing him into the drum set]
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
CARTMAN: [laughing] That’s sweet!
TERRANCE: Good one, Phillip! Cheers!
PHILLIP: Cheers, fuckface.
CONAN: Guys, you can’t say that on TV.
PHILLIP: Now Terrance smells like my ass!
BOTH: [laughing]
BROOKE SHIELDS: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.
TERRANCE: [after a pause, slaps Brooke Shields]
CONAN: So guys, does it make you nervous to be in America? There are a lot of organisations here that want you arrested for destroying children.
PHILLIP: Oh, they’d have to find us first.
CONAN: You’re right. Now!
TROOPS: [rush in and capture Terrance and Phillip]
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip, Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizens’ arrest!
KYLE: Mom?
STAN: Dude, what the hell is going on?
SHEILA: We have a court order for your arrest!
TERRANCE: Phillip, we’ve been ambushed!
SHEILA: [handing Conan his payoff] Here you go, Conan.
PHILLIP: This little scrotum-sucker deceived us! You are a bad man!
SHEILA: Don’t listen to them, Conan.
PHILLIP: You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together. Remember? You laughed.
CONAN: What have I done? [jumps out window]
STAN: Holy crap, did you see that? They arrested Terrance and Phillip!
THE UNITED NATIONS
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by American in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession.
SECRETARY GENERAL: What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: Fuck Canada!
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: ‘ey, Fuck you, buddy!
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: Terrance and Phillip will not be released. They are going to be put on trial for corrupting American’s youth. We don’t know what all the fuss is about.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: The fuss is aboot taking our citizens. It’s aboot not censoring our art. It’s aboot…
AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: …It’s aboot…
AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: What’s so god damn funny?
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: [regaining composure] N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity…
AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: …This is aboot respect. This is about realising that humans…
AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we’ll give you something to cry aboot!
ENTIRE UN: [laughing hysterically]
CANADIAN AIRFORCE
PILOT: Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! We’re nearing the target!
BOMBARDIER: Bombs ready, buddy!
THE BALDWIN RESIDENCE
WILLIAM BALDWIN: [answering phone] Baldwin residence…no, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension…stupid! [to Alec Baldwin] Hey Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
ALEC BALDWIN: No, what?
WILLIAM: Nothing!
ANOTHER BALDWIN: Yeah!
ALL BALDWINS: [laughing]
WILLIAM: [after all other Baldwins have been bombed] Ha! Ha! You missed me! [then gets bombed himself]
MR. GARRISON’S CLASSROOM
MR. GARRISON: Hi, children. Your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.
STAN: Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?
ALL KIDS: Yeah!
KID: That’s gay.
MR. GARRISON: Oh, well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something.
WENDY: [whispering to Gregory] Not cool!
GREGORY: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
MR. GARRISON: Well I’m sorry Wendy, but I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. Anyway children, let’s start off with some vocabulary…
MR. MACKIE: [over PA] Attention, students, m'kay?
MR. GARRISON: Oh, what now?
MR. MACKIE: Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement, m’kay?
THE GYMNASIUM
KYLE: What’s goin’ on, Chef?
CHEF: Something big, children.
STAN: Chef, I can’t find the clitoris. You have to help me.
CHEF: Stan, the clitoris is a-
MR. MACKIE: Please take your seats, everyone, they’re about to announce it, m’kay.
TV ANCHOR: This is a state of emergency. We go now to the White House for an announcement from the President of The United States.
BILL CLINTON: My fellow Americans, at five a.m. today, a day which will live in infamy, the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins. In response to this, the U.S. has declared war on Canada.
ALL CHILDREN: [gasping]
CHEF: Oh, no!
STAN: War?
WENDY: No! Gregory, no!
GREGORY: Now, this is bad, Wendy. Hold on to me.
MR. GARRISON: [frantically] All the Baldwins are dead?
CLINTON: Now it is time for us to send a message to Canadians. In two days time, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip will be executed.
STAN: They’re gonna kill them?
CLINTON: And now, I’d like to bring up my newly-appointed secretary of offence, Ms. Sheila Broflovski.
KYLE: Holy shit, dude!
SHEILA: My fellow Americans, our neighbour to the north has abused us for the last time!
CLINTON: I have a plan-
SHEILA: Canadians want to…
CLINTON: As commander in chief [drowned out by Sheila]
SHEILA: …fight us, because we won’t tolerate their potty-mouths. Well! If it is war they want, then war they shall have!
CARTMAN: Dude, this is fucking weak.
STAN: How could things be any worse?
HELL
KENNY: Satan! No way!
SATAN: Fallen one: I am Satan. I am your god now!
KENNY: [screaming] Oh my god! [runs away]
SATAN: [materialising in front of him] There is no escape! [torturing Kenny] Now, feel the delightful pain.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: Hey, Satan! Did you hear the news? A war just broke out up on earth!
SATAN: Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil.
KENNY: Huh?
SADDAM: Move over, Satan, you’re hogging all the fun. Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is getting’ me so hot!
KENNY: Oh my god!
SATAN: Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?
SADDAM: Hang on! Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy.
SATAN: Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second?…I don’t see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.
SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy!
SATAN: Well, sometimes, I think you don’t have any respect for me.
SADDAM: Aw, come here, guy. Who’s my creampuff?
SATAN: I am.
SADDAM: That’s right, buddy.
KENNY: [watching them] Huh?
THE SCHOOLYARD
STAN: Dude, I don’t wanna be at war.
KYLE: You don’t think they’re really gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you?
CARTMAN: Kyle, you need to stop being such a chickenshit, and stand up to your mother. You need to smack her in the face, and say, 'That’s enough of your shit, you fuckin’ bitch!'
KYLE: Don’t call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
STAN: You guys, stop it! This isn’t helping. We’ve gotta think, here. Now, let’s see. What would Brian Boitano do?
CARTMAN: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
KYLE: [noticing a gathered crowd] Hey! What’s going on over there?
GREGORY: The American government thinks it has the right to police the world. Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens. An action condemned by the UN (home of the free indeed).
KID: Let’s play tetherball!
KIDS: Yeah!
WENDY: This is about freedom of speech! About censorship! Can’t you guys be more political, like Gregory?
STAN: [singing to self]
There’s the girl that I like
Now it appears that she likes another guy
It must be because he’s political and stuff
I bet I could be political too
WENDY: [to Stan] What do you think, Stan?
STAN: [barfs all over Wendy] Dammit!
CARTMAN: You guys, this is all Kyle’s mom’s fault.
KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Kyle’s mom is the one that started that damn club. And all because she’s a big, fat, stupid bitch!
KYLE: Don’t say it, Cartman!
CARTMAN: [breaking into song]
Well…
KYLE: Don’t do it, Cartman!
CARTMAN: [breaking into song]
Well…
KYLE: I’m warning you!
CARTMAN: Okay, okay.
KYLE: I’m getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a b…
CARTMAN: [erupting into song]
Well, Kyle’s mom’s a bitch
She’s a big fat bitch
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She’s a stupid bitch
If there ever was a bitch
She’s a bitch to all the boys and girls
KYLE: Shut your fuckin’ mouth, Cartman!
CARTMAN:
On Mondays she’s a bitch
On Tuesdays she’s a bitch
On Wednesdays and Saturdays she’s a bitch
Then on Sunday (just to be different)
She’s a stupid, King-Kong, meya meya beeyatch
CARTMAN: C’mon! You all know the words!
CARTMAN and KIDS:
Have you ever met my friend Kyle’s mom?
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She’s a mean old bitch
It has to be heard
She’s a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
KIDS:
Whoa!
CARTMAN and KIDS:
She’s a stupid bitch
Kyle’s mom’s a bitch
And she’s just a dirty bitch
KIDS:
Hey!
CARTMAN: Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this. [song is sung in several different languages]
CARTMAN:
Have you ever met my friend Kyle’s mom?
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She’s a mean old bitch
It has to be heard
She’s a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
She’s a stupid bitch
STAN: [seeing Kyle’s mom standing behind Cartman] Uh, Cartman…
CARTMAN:
Kyle’s mom’s a bitch
And she’s just a dirty bitch
I really mean it
Kyle’s mom
She’s a big fat ugly bitch
Big old fat fuckin’ bitch, Kyle’s mom, yeah
Cha!
CARTMAN: [noticing aghast looks on children’s faces] What? [turning around] Oh, fuck!
LABORATORY
SHEILA: Okay, everyone, settle down. As we continue to send troops into Canada, M.A.C. is also fight the war against potty-mouths here at home. Here to present the V-chip is Dr. Vosknocker.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: [clears throat] The machinery of the V-chip is very simple. It is placed under the child’s skin, where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.
RANDY MARSH: Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows that the kid is swearing?
DR. VOSKNOCKER: It’s just like a lie detector. You see, certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip.
CARTMAN: [patient B-5] Ow, my head hurts.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to Cartman] Don’t worry about that. Now, I want you to say, 'Doggie.'
CARTMAN: Doggie.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say, 'Montana.'
CARTMAN: Montana.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Good! Now, 'Pillow.'
CARTMAN: Pillow.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: All right! Now, I want you to say, 'Horse-fucker.'
CARTMAN: [hesitating]
LIAN: Go ahead, Eric. It’s all right.
CARTMAN: Horse-fucker. [gets shocked] Ow!
AUDIENCE: [gasping]
CARTMAN: That hurt, god dammit! [gets shocked] Ow! Fuck! [gets shocked] Hey!
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Now I’d like you to say, 'Big floppy donkey dick.'
CARTMAN: No!
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Success! The child doesn’t want to swear!
AUDIENCE: [cheering madly]
CARTMAN: This isn’t fair, you sons of bitches! [gets shocked] Ow!
SHEILA: We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week.
AUDIENCE: [cheering wildly]
NEWSREEL
ANCHOR: Snacky S’mores presents, 'The March of War.' Let’s hear it for our boys in blue! President Clinton has called them to action, to fight the evil Canadian scourge. A full-scale attack has been launched on Toronto, after the Canadians’ last bombing, which took a horrible toll on the Arquette family. For security measures, our great American government is rounding up all citizens that have any Canadian blood, and putting them into camps. All Canadian-American citizens are to report to one of these Death Camps right away. Did I say, 'Death Camps?' I meant, 'Happy Camps,' where you will eat the finest meals, have access to the fabulous doctors, and be able to exercise regularly. Meanwhile, the war criminals, Terrance and Phillip, are prepped for their execution. Their execution will take place during a fabulous USO show, with special guest celebrities, including Big Gay Al, and Winona Ryder. Of course, the only way to see the USO show is to sign up for the army! So join the army and kill some Canadian scum, as we continue…'The march of War.' (Eat Snacky S’mores!)
BONFIRE
SHEILA: We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian!
KYLE: [to kid] Dude, don’t you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?
KID: ‘course not! My mommy says I hate Canadians now, ‘cause they made me have a dirty mouth.
SHEILA: Burn it all!
CARTMAN: [morosely] Hey, dudes.
STAN: What’s the matter, Cartman?
CARTMAN: It’s this V-chip. I hate it. I can’t say any dirty words.
KYLE: Really? So you can’t say, 'fuck?'
CARTMAN: No.
KYLE: And you can’t say, 'Shit?'
CARTMAN: Nope.
KYLE: So you can’t say, 'I’m Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world?'
CARTMAN: Fuck you! [gets shocked] Ah!
KYLE: [laughing] Sweet!
STAN: C’mon, you guys. This has gone far enough. It’s time we talked to our moms.
KYLE: We’re supposed to be grounded in our rooms.
STAN: C’mon, Kyle. It’s time for us to get political.
SHEILA: Canada will no longer corrupt our children!
KYLE: Mom? Can I talk to you for a second?
SHEILA: Kyle, what are you doing here? You are grounded! Now get back to the house, and stay there!
SHARON: You too, Stanley!
STAN: Mom, we think you’re going too far. You can’t kill Terrance and Phillip.
SHEILA: [ignoring children] We must fight for our children’s futures!
STAN: You started a war. You have to stop it.
SHEILA: To make them safe again!
STAN: Hello?
SHEILA: Our children are precious?
STAN: Hello?
SHEILA: We must make a stand now! Stop at nothing!
KYLE: I told you my mom wouldn’t listen.
STAN: Well then we’re just gonna have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves!
KYLE and CARTMAN: What?
STAN: Think about it, you guys. What would Brian Boitano do? He’d figure out a way to rescue Terrance and Phillip before they’re executed!
KYLE: We can’t do anything: our moms’ organisation is too strong.
STAN: Well then we’ll round up all the grounded kids in town, and start our own organisation. And organisation to help save Terrance and Phillip.
CARTMAN: Hey, yeah! Our own secret club.
KYLE: I guess that could work.
STAN: We have to try!
STAN:
What would Brian Boitano do, if he was here right now?
He’d make a plan and he’d follow through
That’s what Brian Boitano’d do
KYLE:
When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics
Skating for the gold
He did two salkcows and a triple lutz
While wearing a blindfold
CARTMAN:
When Brian Boitano was in the Alps
Fighting grizzly bears
He used his magical fire breath
And saved the maidens fair
CHILDREN:
So, what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today?
I’m sure he’d kick an ass or two
That’s what Brian Boitano’d do
CARTMAN:
I want this V-chip out of me
It has stunted my vocabulary
KYLE:
And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone
STAN:
For Wendy I’ll be an activist too
‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano would do
CHILDREN:
That’s what Brian Boitano’d do
He’d call all the kids in town
And tell them to unite for truth
That’s what Brian Boitano’d do
BRIAN DENNEHY: Someone say my name?
STAN: Who are you?
BRIAN DENNEHY: I’m Brian Dennehy.
KYLE: What? No, not fuckin’ Brian Dennehy!
STAN: Hey, get the fuck out of here!
BRIAN DENNEHY: Oh. Bye.
CHILDREN:
When Brian Boitano traveled in time to the year 3010
He fought the evil robot king
And saved the human race again
CARTMAN:
And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids
He beat up Kubila Kahn
CHILDREN:
‘cause Brian Boitano doesn’t take shit from anybody
So let’s call all the kids together
And unite to stop our moms
And we’ll save Terrance and Phillip too
‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano’d do
And we’ll save Terrance and Phillip too
‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano’d do
‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano’d do
HELL
SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy!
SATAN: [referring to TV] Oh, there’s nothing on.
SADDAM: You just get cranky when you talk, that’s all.
SATAN: I’m not cranky!
ANCHOR: What started as a spat between The United States and Canada is quickly turning into World War III.
SADDAM: World War III?
SATAN: Shh.
ANCHOR: Terrance and Phillip are going to be put to death for crimes against humanity. The time of execution has-
SATAN: [clicking off TV] It has come to be! The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh! The time of prophesy is upon us!
SADDAM: Ah, I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank.
SATAN: No, I’m being serious. It is the seventh sign.
SADDAM: What?
SATAN: Behold. The first signs of my reign have all come true: the fall of an empire, the coming of a comet. And now, when the blood of these Canadians touches American soil, it will be our time to rise.
SADDAM: Yeah! Yeah! Man, I’m getting’ so hot! Let’s fuck!
SATAN: Do you always think about sex? I’m talkin’ about very important stuff, here.
SADDAM: Ah, I’m just excited about taking over the world! Come on!
SATAN: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
SADDAM: I love you.
SATAN: I want to believe that.
SADDAM: So whaddya say we shut off that light and get close, huh?…Yeah, you like that, don’t you, bitch?
THE BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE
KYLE: Okay. We can use my dad’s computer to call all the kids together.
STAN: Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word, 'Clitoris.'
KYLE: Oh, okay…'Found: eight million pages with the word, ‘Clitoris.’'
STAN: Wow!
KYLE: I’ll just try the first one. 'You must be eighteen to enter this website.' Okay. 'Welcome to ‘German Sick Fetish Video.’ If you are under eighteen, do not--' well, okay…
GERMAN: Do my sheiza game!
KYLE: Dude! It’s a lady getting pooed on!
STAN: Whoa! Is it Cartman’s mom?
CARTMAN: Oh, very funny.
KYLE: Hey! It is Cartman’s mom!
GERMAN: Essen mein sheiza.
LIAN: All-righty, then!
CARTMAN: Aw, son of a bitch! [gets shocked] Ow!
IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba
KYLE: Get outta here, Ike. You’re too young for this stuff.
IKE: Bull shit.
STAN: What’s he doing, now?
GERMAN: Essen mein sheiza.
LIAN: Okey-dokey!
CHILDREN: [watching video] Oh! [gagging]
GERMAN: [undecipherable]
STAN: Click it off, dude! Click it off! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?
CARTMAN: All right, all right. Let’s just do what we came here to do, and put a message out to kids.
KYLE: Okay. Let’s see, I’ve gotta put out an all-access e-mail…god damn your mom sucks, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Just get to the message board!
KYLE: I’m trying. I can’t find a Canadian server. I’ve got to break in to the mainframe…Dammit! They’ve got an access code. I’ll try to re-route the encryptions…Okay, here we go. [typing] 'Want to help Terrance and Phillip? Sneak out after you get tucked into bed tonight, and meet at Carl’s Warehouse.'
CARTMAN: Tell ‘em we’ll have punch and pie.
KYLE: We’re not gonna have punch and pie!
CARTMAN: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie!
KYLE: '…punch and pie. This is top secret. The password is…'
STAN: 'La Resistance.'
CARTMAN’S ROOM
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And so, the draft will begin tomorrow, as more and more troops are needed to invade the Canadian border. The Canadian government pleas for a peaceful resolution, but naturally we’re not listening.
LIAN: Good night, hon.
CARTMAN: Mom, when is the war gonna be over.
LIAN: I don’t know, hon. Soon, we hope. You want it to end quickly, huh? [leaving the room]
CARTMAN: Mom?
LIAN: Yes, hon?
CARTMAN: If you were in a German sheiza video, y-you’d tell me, right?
LIAN: Sure, hon. Good night! [shuts door]
CARTMAN: [seeing Kenny’s ghost] Ah! Supposed to be dark!
KENNY’S GHOST: Here’s what you have to do.
CARTMAN: Kenny! Is that you?
KENNY’S GHOST: Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come to earth and take over the world!
CARTMAN: Satan? Satan is coming here?
KENNY’S GHOST: He’s coming here with Saddam Hussein!
CARTMAN: Saddam Hussein? That doesn’t make sense, Kenny!
KENNY: [undecipherable]
CARTMAN: [screaming]
LIAN: Eric, what is it?
CARTMAN: I saw him! I saw Kenny!
LIAN: Oh, you poor dear! You’ve been through so much.
CARTMAN: I bet him he couldn’t light a fart on fire, and now he’s all pissed off. [gets shocked] ‘ey! I can’t say 'Pissed off?' [gets shocked] Yaa!
HELL
SATAN: The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent. Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world. [laughing maniacally]
SADDAM: Hey, Satan. I got some new luggage for our trip up to earth. Let’s fuck to celebrate!
SATAN: What’s it like up on earth, Saddam? Tell me about it again.
SADDAM: Aw, let’s not talk. Let’s get busy!
SATAN: Do you remember when we first got here? We used to talk all night long, until the sun came up. We would just lie in bed and…talk.
SADDAM: Well, yeah, ‘cause I was still waitin’ to get you in bed, dummy!
SATAN: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I’m somebody else?
SADDAM: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who’m I gonna pretend you are, Liza Minelli?
SATAN: [walking away]
SADDAM: Aw, don’t get all pissy.
SATAN: [sighing]
SATAN:
Sometimes I think
When I look up real high
That there’s such a big world up there
I’d like to give it a try
But then, I sink
‘cause it’s here I’m s’posed to stay
But I get so lonely down here
Tell me: why’s it have to be that way?
Up there, there’s so much room
Where babies burp and flowers bloom
Everyone dreams, I can dream too
Up there, up where
The skies are ocean-blue
I could be safe and
Live without a care
Up there
CHOIR:
Oh, oh, oh
SATAN:
They say I don’t belong
CHOIR:
Hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh
SATAN:
I must stay below, alone
CHOIR:
Hoo-ooh, hoo-ooh
SATAN:
Because of my beliefs
I’m supposed to stay where evil is sewn
CHOIR:
Ooh-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh
SATAN:
But what is evil, anyway?
CHOIR:
Hah-aah-aah-aah-aah
SATAN:
Is there reason to the rhyme?
CHOIR:
Ooh-ooh, ooh ooh ooh
SATAN:
Without evil there’d be no good
SATAN and CHOIR:
So it must be good to be evil sometimes
Up there
SATAN:
There’s so much room
CHOIR:
Aah-aaaah
SATAN:
Where babies burp and flowers bloom
CHOIR:
Ooh-ooooh
SATAN:
Every dreams, I can dream too
SATAN and CHOIR:
Up there
SATAN:
Up where the skies are ocean blue
CHOIR:
Ooh-hoo
SATAN:
I could be safe and
Live without a care
CHOIR:
Without a care!
SATAN:
Live without a care
If only I could live up… [screaming] there!
SATAN and CHOIR:
I wanna live
I wanna live up
Ooh-ooh-hoo
I want to live up there!
CARL’S WAREHOUSE
KYLE: [as Cartman rushes in] You’re late, Cartman!
CARTMAN: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
KYLE: Your 'behind'?
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