OK, I don't know why I haven't shared this with y'all earlier, but anyhow...here goes: Last year I got my wisdom teeth pulled...pretty standard procedure, the shit they put me on was great...the stories are all the same. Anyhow everything's going smoothly. My mom's pampering me with McDonalds fries and milkshakes and shit, shit hurts, but no worries because that's the game. I'm taking codone and penecillin, the usual deal. Anyhow, a week passes and I realize that I haven't taken a shit yet, but it's not really bugging me, probably because I haven't eaten shit. Then another couple days go by and I'm eating a pretty normal diet, but still no shit. Two weeks pass and not a stool in sight. By now, I have to go real fucking bad, but the kids won't jump in the pool. I can't even sit down like a normal person; uncomfortable as a ass virgin in prison. I'm taking everything from a loaf of whole wheat bread, to a six pack of prune juice, to shit old people take (meatmcule and some gooey shit you mix in drinks). Still nothing. I'm complaining non-stop, which is understandable, because I have to shit so bad that I can't even think. Its been a week and a half by now...about twenty days with out taking a shit. My mom is trying to call the hospital, but I won't let her, that shit would be way too embarassing. She gets all pissed and leaves, 'I'm going to the drug store.' Im thinking, great more granma pills. She gets home hands me a bag and shoves me in my bathroom and jams the door shut. I'm freaking out yelling and shit, so is she. Finally shit settles down and I open the bag. It's a fucking home aenema kit, holy shit. I have to stick something up my ass, my fucking lord. After a while vascilating on life, I open the box. The dirctions are the funniest thing I have ever read, with pictures too, which are even better. After more vascilation I figure, what the fuck...I can't go on living like this, I gotta do it. The thing looks like one of those red generic kethup dispensers that can squirt really far, except the squirt part is a little longer and its filled with some sort of soapy liquid. So I pull that out and a little package of lube and get the shit all ready. I assume the position, as perscribed on the directions and slide it in. Amazingly, you can't feel it all that much, which makes sense, because I've had shits ten time the diamater of the little squirter thingy. Anyways, with the thing up my ass I squeeze the bottle until every last drop is in my colon and intestines and what not...that you can really fucking feel, but it's not a bad feeling, just really weird. So that's all finished...nothing. I sit up and some of the shit drips out, no biggy. Waiting. Waiting. Nothings happening at all, I still have to shit but it ain't happening. And then it hit me, like a nuclear fucking bomb. My stomach starting making noses like when you bring burps up from your stomach...I'm freaking shit. I sit on the toilet and my ass is sing the siberian national anthem, but no poo. Then my ass starts going into convulsions, it really wants to shit but it can't. And then it happened, I lost all control of my anus, the flood gates were open. It wasn't satisfying at all...I had no control whatsoever. I through a magazine rack, that is next to the toilet, and it broke into a thousand pieces...Freeze and Powder magazines everywhere. I'm still shitting like fucking mount vusuvius. I want to stop but I can't, my ass needs a break. I punch the wall denting it like a mother fucker, I thougt I broke my knuckles, but I was still shitting. I was honestly shitting for three minutes straight, and then a short break when I regained control, but then I lost it...It went on like that for an eternity. Not only did I not shit for almost three weeks, but I was taking more than reccommended doses of two laxatives on top of excessive wheat products and prune juice...holy shit, I thought I was going to shit out my lungs and heart. Finally I was done, but I was really sore, my asshole felt like it was McJagger's mouth. But I shit, I got it all out, and probably some other stuff too. I fixed the magazine rack, but the dent is still there from my fist. But to this day I am scared shitless of penecillin. The moral of this story, don't take shitting for granted. Now I always set aside at least ten minutes to poo, and I always bring along good reading material, because I never know when the next time I won't be able to shit will be. Keep this in mind kids, poop is your friend, but can also be your worst enemy.
