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Divorce

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alden.
Posts: 855 - Karma: 360
heres the deal NS
so my parents are getting a divorce out of the blue,
theyve been married 20 yrs with me and my little sister,
and i have no idea what to think, still in a little shock but,
just posting this with the hope of some advice on what to do,
wondering how many people have had this happen and how it all turned out in the end,
thanks

Aug 26 2009 8:25PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564

how old are you?  because, honestly, that may help people try to help you.  it isnt your fault, there probably isnt anything you can do to change their mind, and...  for my friends that had their parents divorce its a little weird at first, but people get used to it.

im sorry if i come across as an ass but im watching House right now...  probably be better if i was watching Life because then i would be all Zen like.

Aug 26 2009 8:28PM
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alden.
Posts: 855 - Karma: 360
16yrs old and dont worry you dont sound like an ass, thanks though
Aug 26 2009 8:30PM
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pommes_vertes.
Posts: 1260 - Karma: 10
my parents are divorced.  at first it was really, really difficult, especially if you don't fully understand why, like was the case for me.  i was younger, so i had go talk to family counselors and stuff, that drilled me with questions about my parents so they could decide who i lived with.

now that i'm used to it, though, i wouldn't go back and change anything.  for one, my parents are almost certainly happier this way, since they obviously weren't getting along.  plus, it really contributed to who i am.. my life and circumstances growing up would have been alooooot different had they not gotten a divorce.  i wouldn't have gone to go the middle/high school that i did, had the friends i did, etc, etc.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that while it's definitely going to seem fucked up, and it's going to be hard to get used to, just hang in there and try to look at the positive side, and keep in mind that they are just going to be living seperately now, but nothing else really changes.  they still love and care about you and your sister, and things'll work out.
Aug 26 2009 8:30PM
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alden.
Posts: 855 - Karma: 360
^^^ yeah i still have no fucking clue why they are and its bugging the shit out of me, but thanks man i'll try and keep as posotive as possible,

*****another factor is that i found al this out when i came home and my dad was gone and noone knew where he went, he took a car and some things and hit the road, he ccalled the next day but i was to pissed to talk to him, hes somewhere in socal , (i live near tahoe so WTF?
Aug 26 2009 8:36PM
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pommes_vertes.
Posts: 1260 - Karma: 10
yeah, that's fucked up that he just took off, but honestly, he was probably just upset/frustrated/embarrassed.  just give him some time to cool off, and try to understand what he's going through, and that it's really hard on him too.  we all do stupid shit sometimes, so don't completely write him off for it.  my .02, anyway.
Aug 26 2009 8:39PM
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alden.
Posts: 855 - Karma: 360
^^yeah ...... fuck this blows, thanks for the advice though i'll try out the calm approach tomorrow
Aug 26 2009 8:41PM
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InkShrink
Posts: 1079 - Karma: 30
Not knowing why always makes things more difficult. Divorce doesn't usually come out of the blue though, whatever is going on has probably been going on for awhile without you knowing it. Both of your parents are suffering too, divorce isn't easy on anyone, if affects the entire family. Don't be angry at your dad, he still loves and cares for you no matter what. And trust me, even though your parents are dealing with legal matters, they try to make it as smooth as possible for you and your sister. i'm sorry its happening to you, just keep thinking positive thoughts.
Aug 26 2009 8:55PM
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deleted5
Posts: 14507 - Karma: 13,500
well your 16 u got what 2 years left then your out of the house any way it suck but you'll get used to it
Aug 26 2009 8:57PM
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Mac.
Posts: 953 - Karma: 24
Im 17 and my parents have been divorced for 7 years, so its almost everything I know.

You have to try to let the initial phases just kind of play out until things get completely settled, and you know what the routine is going to be.
Although I have had a ton of family problems since my parents got divorced (more recently since my dad moved away) I am still happy that my parents are divorced. 

I find that with divorced parents, the kid is forced to grow up faster and become more independent, so you may notice a difference in that.  I personally really like that aspect but you may differ.
Aug 26 2009 9:01PM
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martin.
Posts: 2115 - Karma: 34
my parents have been divorced since I was 3 so I really can't give you any advice on the transition, but I can give you some advice and things to watch out for.

Unless you say you wanna live with your dad, your mom is going to get custody of you. No question about that. Not seeing your dad as often is going to suck but don't loath him because he ran out on you. Also shit is going to be hard for your mom. Unless you're loaded and you can hire a maid or some shit you're going to have to help around the house. Doing your own laundry cooking mowing the lawn etc. But whatever you'll get used to it.

However, there are certain pros to having divorced parents:

-If you are the lying type, you can get away with much more shit.
-TWO christmases birthdays and other holidays.
-Yay for getting grants from colleges for living with a single mother!
-Honestly it will make you a better person if you don't become a coke-addicted miscreant.

Honestly, I wouldn't sweat it. Things are going to change but honestly you have 2 years left so you'll be able to make it through this.

If you have any questions or just want to talk feel free to PM me.
Aug 26 2009 9:03PM
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Franny
Posts: 3980 - Karma: 77
If you get an Emancipation of Minor, you would grow up even faster.
Aug 26 2009 9:04PM
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panojibber
Posts: 3382 - Karma: 216
That really sucks man, if you didn't know then they obviously didn't have a problem with you or your sister enough to involve you in any possible conflict. Sometimes people just have trouble getting along with each other.

I find the best way to get through shit like this is to find someone close to you who you can talk it out with. Its really the best way. Hope it all works out for you, +vibes, don't let it get you down.
Aug 26 2009 9:25PM
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neutralzombie
Posts: 8629 - Karma: 606
my parents split when i was 14. and my mom cheated on my dad, and my dad was basically a workaholic. it's never the child's fault and i think a lot of kids come out of divorces blaming themselves or feeling unloved. i'd have to say it was the hardest thing to deal with and it did turn into a major depression for several years for me, or at least added to it. never be afraid to ask for help or to see a guidance counselor. i know you're probably in hs and it's different when you're young but seeing a school counselor can be a wonderful thing for you if you need it, and i'm honestly serious when it comes down to it. if shit hits the fan emotionally for you, don't let it conjure, it's not a good place to ever be in. a lot of things will change in your life but i'm sure if you had wonderful parents before, they'll continue being as good as they can be. a lot of things i did stopped when my parents split though, like sports and other extra curricular activities. finances change and stuff, but make sure you pressure them if that kind of thing ever happens. don't worry, it's definately not the end of the world, and it'll be tough for a while. just make sure you've got some good friends you can rely on if ever you really feel low. your parents splitting might be for the better of each parent, even though i'm not ever sure i believe it. hang in there, you know everyone's here for you! you just gotta ride with it unfortunately.
Aug 26 2009 9:44PM
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fourhundred
Posts: 2760 - Karma: 21
My parents are divorced and all I can say is you get WAY MORE PRESENTS AT CHRISTMAS!
Aug 26 2009 9:45PM
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Jib-Ninja
Posts: 2819 - Karma: 20
Well here's the deal. My parents got divorced when i was at a young age, still in elementary school. But i still have memories of my parents verbally arguing every single night, and my dad pushing around my mom physically. If your parents decide that they want a divorce..they probably know whats best, and you should respect their decision no matter how hard its going to be on you. Think of it this way, if your parents stayed together, they would just continuously argue and become more unhappy and their lives would end up becoming living hell. I would be the first one to tell you that divorce's are hard on the kids..especially with the custody battles and one parents down talking the other behind their back, but it would be worse if they stayed together just to make you guys happy. The most important thing i can say to you is

DON'T PICK SIDES!
Aug 26 2009 9:53PM
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JakeC
Posts: 2160 - Karma: 101
this is true......


My parents split when I was like 10 or so. Its hard at first ecspecilly when your young. You will get used to it and you parents will be alot nicer since there not always fighting and that shit. Now I don't regret them splitting becasue there happier, My step dad is cool as shit and my step mom is the nicest person you will ever meet. You do get alot more presents for Christmas but its all good. Just give it time and it will all get better, Try to get your parents to get a Boyfriend/Girlfriend and eventuly re married but that take a few years. Personally I like it better that there split, I know that prolly sounds weird but i got  2 of the coolest people ever in my life that would have never came into the picture if they didn't split.

peace
Aug 26 2009 9:54PM
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Mac.
Posts: 953 - Karma: 24
I am in the exact same situation,  everything you described, applies to me.
Aug 26 2009 10:07PM
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.travis.
Posts: 1737 - Karma: 46
Ya man if the divorce goes smoothly then in a few months it will just seem normal. it does suck for a while but for real you will just get used to it. and like said above dont think it is your fault and dont let your sister think it is her fault. you guys cant do anything about it.
Aug 26 2009 10:23PM
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OhMyBosh
Posts: 5056 - Karma: 170
No biggie really. Now you get 2 people vying for your love.
Aug 26 2009 10:25PM
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EastCoast315
Posts: 3136 - Karma: 137
Dude, Im going to give you advice I wish I couldve given myself when my g-parents got divorced. DONT STOP LOVING. If your familial sitch seems down the shitter, find love in friends and women. When I went though this, I was ten, and I just kind of felt out of place. Idk, it still confuses me
Aug 26 2009 10:37PM
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AlexGaynor
Posts: 947 - Karma: 148
yeh. my parents have been divorced since i was 3... I am the glue that holds my own life together.. my parents only communicate through me... it is better that way. I definitely turned out ok....

something big that happened to me with out my knowing it... my dad made an awesome decision that fucked him over, but basically made my life way better.

when i was three my mom jacked me and my bro and took off to australia... my dad followed in order to try and settle some form of custody. when he got there, the lawyer told him that he had no chance against an Australian resident mom in a custody battle.... so for me there was no custody battle... which is WAY WAY better.

if you can prevent it, you are old enough to try and settle things with out court.. everyone gets fucked in the end by court. Also i ended up moving back to USA with my dad, and that move separated me from skiing.... You say you live near tahoe.. if i were you I could make sure to keep skiing around, so you don't go emo or some shit.


IDK about how your family works or how law abiding you are yourself.. but if you end up getting in shit you kind of have the upper hand against either parent because you have the unsaid threat that you can move away. Of course it would be a mega dick move to bring this up.. but you can trust me your parents will be thinking about it... you are more important to them than anything else.

also yeh if you have any questions or anything that i might be able to answer PM me. cuz i probly wont check this thread again
Aug 26 2009 10:53PM
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alden.
Posts: 855 - Karma: 360
^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
to all those folks up there,
THANK YOU
thanks for the advice, thanks for the vibes, thanks for helping me out
im not sure really what dont say about how much i appreciate it,
but this thread has kept me level headed through this little experience,
and without all the first hand advice i could be in a seriously more fucked up position right now,
i plan on getting used to all of this, but will never stop skiing (oh shit its august......)

THANK YOU NS
Aug 27 2009 10:22AM
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PASKIINGSUCKS
Posts: 9097 - Karma: 777
You should probably tell them that they are setting a fantastic example by defaulting on the single most important commitment in their life. Everybody does it these days though so it's cool.

I'm just pissed cause my parents split when I was maybe 7, and they had the brilliant idea of separating the kids between the parents. So me and my brother went with my mom, while my oldest brother went with my dad.

You do get used to it, you will come out fine, it is kind of the suck though. At least your a little older and can understand a bit more.
Aug 27 2009 10:35AM
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thebeesknees
Posts: 3660 - Karma: 160

dude i know exactly how you feel.  i just turned 16 about 2 weeks ago.  my parents divorced when i was 13.  i thought it was totally out of the blue, and i didnt know what to think, or do.  i started seeing some people about it because i was really upset.  people like school counselors and stuff.  that didnt really help much.  it just stressed me out about it more. 

my parents were pretty good about it though.  i have 2 other brothers, and 1 sister, so they sat us all down and had a big talk.  they were very helpful throughout the whole process.  whenever i had a question, or whatever, i could talk to my mom and dad because i know theyd know what i should do.  after awhile, i got used to the fact that my parents were divorced.  3 years later, right now, everythings going pretty good.  i still see both of them equally.  the idea takes a while to get used to, but trust me man, youll get used to it and theyll be better times coming your way.

Aug 27 2009 10:52AM
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skiblandford
Posts: 1503 - Karma: 2
The only problem i had about when my friends parents got divorced was i didnt know what to call the mrs. cause they dropped their last name and started using there maiden name and i didnt know there maiden name.  Also i was to embarresed to ask what her maiden name.  I oncee called her by her old last name and she stared me down and got pissed
Aug 27 2009 3:02PM
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family_vacation
Posts: 6200 - Karma: 7,841
My parent's divorce went really smoothly, It happened when I was in like 4th grade, so now as a sophomore in HS it would seem weird to have one house.


I can't imagine being split from a sibling like that, it just seems like an awful idea that would really change the family more than it had to be changed.
Aug 27 2009 3:28PM
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C.Wood
Posts: 2524 - Karma: 180
now my parents aren't seperated so i can't help you with that aspect but listen to what ever one else said and don't put your mom or dad as the bad guy, my friends parents divorced and the kid has both his parents making it seem like the other one is the bad guy and it can lead to you not trusting people as much when your older, i don't know how much that helps or if it even does but just thought i would try to help. i hope it goes smoothly for the benefit of your family
Aug 27 2009 4:15PM
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erichkuss
Posts: 839 - Karma: 12
 
Aug 27 2009 4:18PM
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[~_~]
Posts: 20239 - Karma: 1,273
I was pretty stoked when my parents got divorced.
Aug 27 2009 4:23PM
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Kevski
Posts: 7056 - Karma: 2,785
I'm 17 and my parents divorced a couple months ago. It's strange but I saw it coming. They have nothing in common any more and were both holding each other back from going where they wanted with their lives. They never saw eye to eye so it was kinda a mutual thing. My mom left to live with some friends and I'm going to uni in a week so I'm not gonna live with either of them anyways.

It's hard to deal with everything being split between the two, like I just found out today that the dictionaries in my house are gone... Just roll with it. It's almost certainly for the better.

Parents dating is kinda strange too. It just doesn't seem right that dad is getting with someone and it isn't mom.

Life goes on, and at our age it really doesn't make much of an impact on ours anyways. Soon enough we'll be out of the house and living with other people anyways.
Aug 27 2009 5:22PM
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