Thoughts on my Summer Essay.. (cause NS is so fabulous)

ok, i have always been told by teachers not to use, i forgot what they are called, words like i you me ours etc.

thank you.. i have now changed all of my first person phrases into 3rd, replaced 'secondy' and 'tying any confusion together' with 'additively' and 'It is important to remember that'.. +k

Going to be honest, very poor transitions. Never use word contractions like you did (you'd expand that out). Edit your essay more carefully. 1st sentence you messed up where the period goes(from what i've been taught). Before going , how sophisticated does this essay have to be? What grade is it for?

i'm a bit confused on what parts your talking about.. oh, and btw,  i'm only going into 10th grade.. so not a college level

Ill rewrite it if you give me 10/10

“The breast milk of many US mothers is so contaminated with pesticide residues and industrial chemicals that it could not be legally bottled and sold as a food commodity.”(Ward,  p. 56).

From what I've been taught, the period after commodity cannot go inside qoutations so it would be:
“The breast milk of many US mothers is so contaminated with pesticide residues and industrial chemicals that it could not be legally bottled and sold as a food commodity” (Ward,  p. 56).

Next:
You’d have to be completely biased and ignorant to believe that dumping harmful waist in the desert of one the most beautiful environments out there, isn’t dangerous.

You'd is a contraction of two words just like isn't, and  they're. Don't use those in your essay, just write the two word out.

it seems like you have a bunch of stuff like this

Bad placement of commas. For example:

Canaries on the Rim by Chip Ward illustrates through vivid wording that we, as a community, need to act as one force to fight the travesty that pollutes our own backyard.

The (book or novel) Canaries on the Rim, by Chip Ward, illustrates through vivid wording that we(dont use we) as a community, need to act in unison to fight the travesty which pollutes our own backyards.

The breast milk of many US mothers is so contaminated with pesticide residues and industrial chemicals that it could not be legally bottled and sold as a food commodity.”(Ward, p. 56). Canaries on the Rim by Chip Ward illustrates through vivid wording that America, as a community must to act as one force to fight the travesty that pollutes it's own backyard. Although it is incredibly comforting to believe that dumping toxic waste into the majestic and beautiful Mojave desert is not harmful, the unfortunate truth is that it is.Though It may seem as though a single individual has no effect, the fight against chemical waste corporations needs every single bit of help it can get in order to make a truly lasting difference.

^ Yeah, the commas in the " First off, only something as large as our nation, can" part do not really need to be there.

Also, you should use a colon when introducing a quote, like should be done here:
                             
" As stated in the book: "
                           HERE^

Also, consider separation of the last sentence into two sentences. This one:

 "Becoming a member in the fight against ecocide is everlasting and only in a matter of time, will the ecosystem deteriorate beyond human repair."

They are kinda unrelated thoughts, you could possibly expand on how joining the fight against ecocide is everlasting and whatnot. The last part of the sentence is awkward too. Something along the lines of "soon the ecosystem will deteriorate beyond repair" or something would do better here.

IMO you could also skip "secondly" in the third paragraph. Transitions like that sound like you were trying too hard to make the teacher notice you used them in the first place. You want something subtle yet clear to show you are changing topics, which is what paragraphs are used for. I've always tried to avoid using words like that in my writing, for school anyway. Your teacher will probably take more notice that you didn't use those words if you take them out, since probably about 8/10 kids are going to use the exact same format.

Also, in this line:

"It’s simple to see in this example that words can be said and have little to no truth backing them at all, but as long as their ‘sugar-coated’, people will gobble them down and accept them as true."

You were looking for "they're" not their, but you should just they are or any non-contraction.

That's all I got.

wow.. thank you to everyone (10/10 on NS and 10000/10 in my mind)... i guess i have some serious rewriting to do, i'll get back to you tomorrow

This one still has contractions, bad placement of periods and commas, and needs better clarification.

Sorta like this:
Though It may seem as though a single individual has no effect, the fight...
No effect to what? Everytime my teacher catches something like that, she will drop the mark of the essay without a doubt.

Yup! Adding to this do not use informal language like gobble. This lowers the level of sophistication in your essay. I know this is a grade 10 essay so it doesn't have to be at a very high level of sophistication but, start now and you will just end up a better writer. Tip: I know I said to make it sophisticated but, this does not mean go to the thesaurus and change every word until you don't even understand what your writing.

Obligations to a Deteriorating Environment

            “The breast milk of many US mothers is so contaminated with pesticide residues and industrial chemicals that it could not be legally bottled and sold as a food commodity.”(Ward,  p. 56).

Canaries on the Rim by Chip Ward illustrates through vivid wording that we, as a community, need to act as one force to fight the travesty that pollutes our own backyard. One would have to be  biased and ignorant to believe that dumping harmful waste (what kind of harmful waste?) in the (specify which desert),  whose beauty (and ecological significance?) compares to any other ecosystem on earth, isn’t dangerous. The effects of chemical dumping may not be immediately obvious, but the fight against chemical waste corporations needs every bit of support it can get, to stand up and make a true difference.

            First off, only something as large as our nation can defeat the evil of these faceless corporations and protect the health of our present and future generations. People cannot be afraid to stand up for their own and their children’s health against what they believe to be their only job protection. As stated in the book (what book? if the reader didn;t remember the name of the book, they would ahve to refer to the beginning of the essay.), “Since then (early 80’s), more than 240 proposed incinerators have been defeated by nearby communities as incineration has accumulated a reputation for poisonous emissions.” (Ward, p. 151). It’s extremely important that US citizens allow their voices to be  (to be good global citizens, as well, because chemical waste knows no international boundaries.)because a little public protest can amount to significant change and protection. Becoming a member in the fight against ecocide is everlasting and ecosystem deterioration is already beyond human repair (also add that environmental clean-ups cost the government more than what teh chemical companies contribute? {make sure this is true if you dee to add it}.)

            A key to becoming an active member in the battle of chemical waste corporations takes a keen eye to see through the traps and deception set by  ‘fat cats’ in their  offices (sounds like angry propaganda, try to word differently without removing the bite maybe?). People are tricked into thinking that discarding nuclear waste in environments very near their own homes, schools, and hospitals is actually helping in an ‘economical sense’ (this ties in with "environmental cleanup costs" point- good connecting sentance) by bringing jobs to their towns. Communities are being convinced (usually not a good idea to use cliche phrases like "sweet talk") into allowing this and now that it’s begun, we need to bring an end to it. A corporate scientist once described to a concerned town that “When we finish treating this waste, you could spread it on your breakfast cereal and eat it.” (Ward, p. 67). It’s simple to see in this example that words can  have little to no truth backing them at all, but as long as they are (comforting/reassuring), people will gobble them down and accept them as truth. These are the mistakes that people need to see happening and battle back against their ‘Fat Cat’ foes (adversarial, reads as propagandistic/extreme, you want to try not to alienate any groups in your argument. change.).

            To clarify any confusion, the protest against nuclear waste companies is a fight that needs every last citizen to defeat and take control of hazardous incinerations. People need to look beyond deception and eventually stand up to let their thoughts be heard. False promises made by the hazardous waste industry  cannot prevent or cure illnesses such as cancer, multiple sclerosis and birth defects, suffered by friends, family, and neighbors. The only way to stop the raging river that is the nuclear waste division is to join together as to form a dam (might be a bad metaphor? I think of a dam stopping toxic waste as having a giant reservoir of the stuff backed up behind it, that could flood out if forces backed by your "evil corporations" managed to rupture the dam. Remember, imagery is powerful and you really ahve to think before using it (not saying you did it, and I do like the creativity involved.) preventing any further outpours of deadly and hazardous chemicals.

That's a quick edit based on 1 reading of the essay, i'd say you have your points figured out well, but you could change your wording and expand a little. There were some minor grammar errors, esp. involving homophones and commas. Good idea on getting second opinions. Plese note that I am no expert, but I have written many essays for university English, environmental studies and Art history

tl;dr

It's not a great idea to start an essay with a quote, it makes the opinions and facts in the essay seem llike they must directly relate to that quote. Further, make sure to refrence the full author, book and page in your first citation, ( unless your doing endnotes)
something like " On page 56 of a study conducted and published by (first name) Ward, "The breast milk of many US mothers is so contaminated with pesticide residues and industrial chemicals that it could not be legally bottled and sold as a food commodity."
 Just my 2 cents

I didn't want to change his essay a huge amount, and you can start off essays with a quote, there's a special word for a quote at the beginning of an essay, but I forget what it is right now. Also I think it does relate to the rest of his essay, because he is talking about the dangerous effects of dumping toxic waste throughout almost the whole thing. The quote, since it describes something dangerous to babies is frightening if only ona  subliminal level and therefore functions to grab the reader's attention, which is a good thing.