Okay, new essay.

getting there...the attitude is much, much better for sure. the last bit kinda seems like you're begging. BUT this is a huuuuuge step in the right direction from the last one. run that by your school's college counselor or have one of your english teachers proofread it for you and mess with it. with a few tweaks you'll probably have something you can use.

much better this time, solid 8. i didnt understand the tactical advantage part though, and when you ask not to prove fate wrong, it sounded desperate.
much better though, hope you get in

this essay was a lot better than your first..you might want to change the beginning and ending a bit..make sure you have people proof read it such as your guidence counselor and an english teacher..

i wrote my college essay 6 times..and i finally went to who i thought was the best english teacher in my school..rather than my own..she really helped a lot.

goodluckk :)

I must admit, when I was first choosing a college to go to my senior year of high school, I might as well have pasted as many prospects to my wall as possible and thrown darts blindly around the room until I hit one. Hamilton was my first dart pick, and upon visiting your campus, I fell in love immediately. Fate, it seems, enjoys playing darts. I had the tactical advantage of visiting campus in autumn, sitting in on several classes, and I enjoyed every minute of it. The students at Hamilton actually seem to enjoy going to class! As a prospective law and writing student, Hamilton emphasizes everything I want to get out of my educational experience. I have been all around the world, and of all the countries and cities I have been to, Hamilton, in Clinton, New York, is the only place that I have obsessed about incessantly upon hearing it’s name. Hamilton is perfect for me, so please, don’t prove fate wrong.

i've found in the past, through experience. the best thing to do is be real, not so much "im nervous, freaking out what to write" kind of way, but more as in, here's what i have and here's what i want kind of way. what do you want to get out of an education? why will hamilton be right for you? if its the location explain why, if its the atmosphere of the school, that's always a winner. but talk about yourself. and the positive things about why you are a good fit.

More like a brief paragraph...anyways...

get rid of the i must admit

Dudeeeee!


So much better. Much more pleasant to read and much less cynical. Have your mom/dad/sibling/english teacher read it over for advice too.

Personally, I like the dart thing. Perhaps it could use a little better wording, but it's got a good message. I agree the last line sounds a little desperate..."prove fate wrong" sounds a little on the corny side. Maybe a little more detail about what you enjoyed from you visit and maybe what activities (beyond the classroom) you'd like to participate in, but like I said before, much better.

StartFragment

I was baffled by the myriad of possible colleges to choose from duringmy senior year of high school. My college of choice would include strong lawand journalism programs. I eventually narrowed my list to several schools and Hamilton easily separated itself from the pack. I was fortunate enough to visitHamilton this autumn. The curriculum was a perfect match and I believe it would allow me toreach my future goals. During my visit, I observed several classes. Theatmosphere was exactly what I had been looking for while making my collegedecision. Along with myself, the students seemed focused and willing to reachtheir potential. (insert ending statement...the deciding factor why you want to go there and why they should choose you.)

Your essay was good! This is just how I would write it. It seemed as though some of the things you were saying were just filling in? I don't mean to be harsh or anything but it's just my opinion. Also, in my experience it's best to keep sentences shorter/simpler instead of longer. It reads better and helps to keep admission counselors focused.

I hope you get in! good luck! If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

EndFragment

oh and i copied and pasted from word...that's why some spaces are missing.

I think the whole college essay thing is a bunch of shit. No one is really going to say how they feel about going to college they are just going to make up shit and kiss ass.

They don't look at the essay. They look at the sentence structure in the essay. It's normally a deciding factor for people on the bubble.

If you really want to go to Hamilton college then I hope to get in!