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Rate my College Essay on 1-10 scale

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Arabian.
Posts: 9632 - Karma: 54

Those damn pesky 'Why do you want to go to *----* college/university' essays:

plz rate:

"

Sometimes I wonder whether school would be right for me. After all, what should I do with this newfound freedom from that superficial quagmire of mediocrity our politicians call ‘school’, but go right back into it as soon as I have the chance to leave? Visiting Hamilton has had a profound effect on me. The only things I have ever been interested in are my writings and law. Both are what Hamilton students emphasize and excel at, and both are the reason I want to attend Hamilton. As I sat in on several classes, I could not help but feel that this is where I should be; this beautiful campus, these wonderful people, and this strange feeling in the air that something is about to change. Hamilton is where I feel I would accomplish the most I possibly ever could, and where I feel I am completely at home. Hamilton is where I want to be."

Nov 13 2008 6:03PM
0 0
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twintipteles
Posts: 2954 - Karma: 13
3

Great, emo whining mixed with super lame cliches. If writing and law is what you're interested in talk about that instead of alluding to how above the entire education system you are. Don't get me wrong, I didn't go straight from HS to college and theres nothing wrong with that, but that's really not the place or way to discuss that uncertainty.
Nov 13 2008 6:10PM
0 0
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Soundgarden
Posts: 164 - Karma: 19
idk bro, i thought his part was not good :

"Sometimes I wonder whether school would be right for me. After all, what should I do with this newfound freedom from that superficial quagmire of mediocrity our politicians call ‘school’, but go right back into it as soon as I have the chance to leave?"

It sounds like really weird and a college app person would def think you are a little outta synch wit hthe world. you use alot of words in that sentence unneccessarily. you definetly shouldnt wonder whthere school is right for you and then say you definetly want to go to hamilton. you know what im sayin?

Nov 13 2008 6:13PM
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Squirrel_Murphy
Posts: 2195 - Karma: 1,165
10! -4    by someone who squeaked by in english and didn't like a single minute of it
Nov 13 2008 6:13PM
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samwise
Posts: 2592 - Karma: 36
6.

You certainly proved that Hamilton is a good match for you, but it seems way overwritten. Try to write more about what you plan on doing at Hamilton, how you plan on doing it, and what you can bring to the school.
Nov 13 2008 6:15PM
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sethski
Posts: 331 - Karma: 10
Two things:


The "superficial quagmire of mediocrity that our politicians call school" sentence leaves me wondering...are these really the words of this person? Perhaps they are, but a lot of kids just look to use big words and complex sentences to try and impress the reader which often ends up backfiring. They often search for kids who are seemingly more down-to-earth. Not saying take it out; it's just food for thought.

And the part about law and writing being your only interests...schools value a diverse student body; a student body that values many aspects of life. I understand you're trying to exemplify your love for the two, but it may be better to put it like "my writing and law are two of my top interests...", something to that effect.
Nov 13 2008 6:16PM
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DrStrangelove
Posts: 1948 - Karma: 3
Seconded, I'd probably even give it a 1 or a 2. You're trying to be too far outside of the box just to get "noticed" dude, but even though it seems cliche, colleges actually DO like it if you take the direct approach and talk about how pumped up you are about their strongest programs. With your essay, they're going to look at it and wonder why you're wasting their time. You don't come off as motivated or energetic, and the basic idea you're expressing is that you think school is boring bullshit and you're finding it hard to rationalize continuing your education. While that can be true for everyone sometimes, especially when you're stuck in required classes that you hate, that's not exactly the kind of attitude you want to project to an admissions committee at a school you're trying to get into.
Nov 13 2008 6:18PM
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skiP.E.I.
Posts: 7604 - Karma: 20,093
2, it seems like you didn't give a concrete reason why you wanted to go to Hamilton, and it was painful to read with the "sometimes I wonder if school is right for me" and "at Hamilton, something changed". Giving any hint that school might not be "right" for you is going to look bad to a college.
Nov 13 2008 6:18PM
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hellomynameisjef
Posts: 5794 - Karma: 167
really, no offense right now, but it sounds like the you would suck some dick to get in to that school. seriously, dont kiss ass so much, it sounds desperate and annoying. in all seriousness thats what i got from it. and it is pretty obvious that you went to thesarous.com and found the biggest words you could for some synonms. way overwritten
5
Nov 13 2008 6:19PM
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bermbuster49
Posts: 7445 - Karma: 90
sounds like what 97% of all college essays the person your writing to is going to hear.

try relating your life experiances to how they fit with that particular college maybe... just throwing it out there.
Nov 13 2008 6:20PM
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St.Steezy
Posts: 4228 - Karma: 20
F
Nov 13 2008 6:21PM
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Bepo
Posts: 8195 - Karma: 17
very forced, try again
Nov 13 2008 6:24PM
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Arabian.
Posts: 9632 - Karma: 54

I know, but at least you can go to bed at night knowing just one person there isn't.

But yeah, I just need help cause I've can't fucking express myself correctly in a single  paragraph.

Nov 13 2008 6:25PM
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DrStrangelove
Posts: 1948 - Karma: 3
This is straight bad advice. The kid is actually trying to get into this school. You don't know anything about the admissions process. The only reason it sounds like "every other essay the admissions person is going to read" is because he's trying to do too much with it, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Assuming that he'd "suck dick to get into that school" is a pretty faggoty thing to say to someone who's trying to pursue higher education at a good school, which is what Hamilton is. Maybe you should go ahead and suck your way into a school someplace so that you can learn how to spell words like "thesaurus." Until then, stop being an asshole and giving kids shitty advice when they ask for help. Usually I don't think NS is a good place to ask for help with shit like homework and whatnot because that's just lazy and stupid, but I feel like this is a legit question.
Nov 13 2008 6:26PM
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Arabian.
Posts: 9632 - Karma: 54
True, true, but I have no idea what these officers want to see in an essay. The best advice they can give me is 'be yourself, be truthful', but do they want elegance, eloquence, simplicity, vocabulary, complexity, philosophy, or what?? I'm going mad in my chair trying to find out what they want, when all I know they want is to know what I want. Why is this so hard? Why can't I just do it? I'm far too inexperienced, far too untalented too ordinary to be accepted into a place such as this, yet the idea of this place has controlled my thoughts to point of obsession. I can't imagine life beyond and without this feat.
Nov 13 2008 6:33PM
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philipc
Posts: 6651 - Karma: 1,286
Sometimes I wonder whether school would be right for me, after all, I feel like I just wasted 12 years of my life inside the man made hell hole that our government calls "school".


that would be a better start to your essay
Nov 13 2008 6:34PM
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BootySpunk.
Posts: 8148 - Karma: 84
You sound exactly like my English teacher haha but the stuff works colleges don't wanna read the same shit they have heard a hundred times so do what this guy says.
Nov 13 2008 6:39PM
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seeingstars
Posts: 422 - Karma: 14
1

you appear to like to hear yourself talk. "superficial quagmire", That's just silly. Write something real. You won't get into a school like Hamilton with an essay like that.
Nov 13 2008 6:41PM
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steezemeister
Posts: 1186 - Karma: 37
thats the point, they want to see what you do with it. just write how you would write, if you're funny, be funny. the admissions officers just want to see how you interpret what they tell you...

and if you don't get in, fuck that shit, go skiing
Nov 13 2008 6:44PM
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Adamskinick
Posts: 3353 - Karma: 126
If you want to get into school, I wouldn't start with this:
"Sometimes I wonder whether school would be right for me."
Nov 13 2008 7:07PM
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Arabian.
Posts: 9632 - Karma: 54

Sorry I'm bi-polar, so here's the new one revised: please rate

I must admit, when I was first choosing a college to go to my senior year of high school, I might as well have pasted as many prospects to my wall as possible and thrown darts blindly around the room until I hit one. Hamilton was my first dart pick, and upon visiting the campus, I fell in love immediately. Fate, it seems, plays darts. I visited the campus in the autumn, and had the chance to sit in on several classes. I saw one of the most unexpected things while I was there. The students at Hamilton actually seem to enjoy going to class! As a prospective law and writing student, Hamilton emphasizes everything I want to get out of my educational experience. I have been all around the world, and of all the countries and cities I have been to, Hamilton, in Clinton, New York, is the only place that I have obsessed about incessantly upon hearing it’s name. Hamilton is perfect for me.

Nov 13 2008 7:18PM
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Malcolm
Posts: 15949 - Karma: 9,431

^pretty good but it sounds like you dont like going to class when you say "they actually enjoy going to class!"

Nov 13 2008 7:23PM
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