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February 1, 2008
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3:56 p.m. Don’t know who this is. Woah, nice 360. She almost grabbed her skis on that one. Coming into the second jump and…she eats shit and blows up.
4:00 p.m. Nice fakie 180, Kristi. Oops. Stays on her feet. And she’s skipping the rest of the course. At least she didn’t blow up and eat shit like the rest of the girls. Kristi’s ability to ski from top to bottom without injury might just bump her into that coveted first-place spot.
4:02 p.m. Angeli VanLaanen just skied from top to bottom, only skipped one feature, and only looked like she was going to eat serious shit one time. She’s in first now for sure.
4:05 p.m. Look out. Here comes Stephanie Meyers. Careful with those knees, Steph. Nice straight air. Uncle E says, “That’s a 90 off, isn’t it?” It is, Chris. Stephanie Meyers seriously upped the ante on that last run. Kim Lamarre is way out in first right now. I bet her run is sick. I joined the contest after her first run though. Hibbert says, “Come on, Meg. Bring out the 900.” Yeah right.
4:08 p.m. Uncle E is bringing spectators back from commercial with the quote, “Slopestyle for you newcomers…” I guess he doesn’t realize that all the newcomers are competing in the women’s slopestyle right now. Meg just blew up and ate shit on the flat-down box. No worries, Meg. You’d only have to worry if somebody behind you was about to land a run.
4:10 p.m. Kim Lamarre. She just ate shit on the knuckle of jump #3. However, she grabbed her skis three times before that, which is three more times than the rest of the field grabbed their skis. And then, despite the bummer in the middle, she just did some legit-ass rail tricks on the bottom. If I could do Kim’s rail stuff, maybe I could compete in a slopestyle. She’s going to win.
4:12 p.m. Uh oh, Kim. Some girl with a name I’m not going to try to spell just spun more than 360 on one of the jumps, and she slid the down-flat-down rail.
4:14 p.m. Kim’s safe. Aerts is into 3rd. That’s legit. She had a legit run. Kim ought to think about moving up to the big leagues and competing in the slopestyle coming up after the girls’ contest.
4:15 p.m. 360. 360. 360. Skip the rest of the course. The crowd goes wild.
4:18 p.m. Battersby makes it to the bottom without getting hurt. She might pop up into first. I didn’t see Kim’s run, but Ashley spun a lot, and looked much less like she was going to blow up and eat shit than any of the rest of the girls I’ve seen. She could take it. Just more proof that ESPN needs to boost ratings and put women’s slopestyle into the X Games.
4:20 p.m. Shanny Coen is going for it. Great fakie 180! Going big on jump 2 and…she lands right on her side/face. Thanks for coming out, Shanny.
4:21 p.m. Van Valin calls out a 540. Somehow this girl did a 5 taking off and landing forward. Amy Sheehan.
4:22 p.m. Commercial break. I’m glad I’m not judging this event. How do you tell one phenomenal 360 muscle-flex from another? The technical subtleties of these runs take a well-seasoned adjudicatory eye to discern.
4:24 p.m. Ashley Battersby just shot up into first place. Better luck next year, Kim. Maiko Hara just did an inward 270 off of the flat rail. Progressive. Uncle E is trying to piece the lead change together and says, “maybe it was that switch 540 up top.” Maybe. Maybe it was that switch 270 disaster at the 2004 Powder Magazine Superpark.
4:27 p.m. Anna Segal killed the jumps. Then she killed herself on the rails. Better luck next year, Anna.
4:29 p.m. Caia something has just done some very stylie turns around the jumps in the course. She got a little sketchy going through some soft stuff on the sides. But her decision to stay out of the air should lock her up the fastest time on the course thus far.
4:33 p.m. Stephanie Meyers. Last chance to dethrone Battersby and her masterful handling of everything on the course except for her skis (get it? she didn’t grab). And she eats shit. Work on keeping your eyes open off the takeoffs, Steph. Keep those eyes open, and you’ll land flat on your back far less.
4:36 p.m. Ashley takes it home. Nice job, Ashley.
Hahahahahahaha...
