I was sitting on a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos the other day when Robert Tilton came on TV. He's a televangelist out of Dallas.
He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?"
"Have you spent half your life in bars pursuing sins of the flesh?"
This guy's good! "
Are you sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos?"
... Yes, sir!
"Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?"
Ha, ha close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second!
: Someone stole the radio out of my van last time I was here. Thank you whoever you are.
: I spent the entire drive home listening to the sounds of the wind for 49 hours.
[snaps his fingers, bobbing his head to an imaginary melody
: So, I went to the insurance agency to report my claim and they asked me what kind of radio it was, and I had to idea, but the guy told me, "Mr White, if you tell us what kind of radio it was we'll know how much to write the check for." Oh?
: So I wrote down some big, expensive brand and he knew I was lying.
[impersonating the clerk
: "Mr White, I don't think... *Rolex* makes a radio." It was a clock radio! Write the check, premium-boy.
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"