So... yesterday I was going over to a friends' house at about 12:45 after work. We each had to take our own cars, and I was a little high so naturally I wanted to speed like hell. Almost immediately, I got stuck behind some string bean son of a bitch going 25 in a 35 or something preposterous like that. Keep in mind that I have no idea what "string bean" means, but it sounded pretty cool there. A pig was poking his snout out from a little side street, but I didn't see him so I carelessly downshifted to 3rd and suddenly I was at 60mph.
I looked up from the tachometer (I usually do that when I'm pushing each shift to the red line) and there's that sleazy piece of bacon grinning from ear to ear because some kid wearing an orange, blue, and white stoner hat just blew by him going 60+ in a 35 blasting rap about drugs and raping opposing rappers' girlfriends. Cute.
Blue lights came on and I pulled over to the side, where I got the pleasure of watching my friend zoom by laughing his ass off at my idiocy. Cop got out of his car... show time.
"Hey there officer, what can I do for you tonight?"
"You were going pretty fast back there..."
"Yeah, I know... my parents set my curfew at 1:00 and they're REALLY uptight about it. I wasn't going to speed that much, just 5mph over to help me not be quite as late haha. I just had to get out from behind that guy because he was going really slow."
"Well... 5mph is still speeding..."
"Yeah, I know, but you know how it is. You need to get somewhere fast so you go 5 over even though you know deep down it won't help at all *huge fake grin*."
"Yeah... well, you were going 65 when you passed that guy..."
"Well, it wouldn't have been safe for me to go any slower. I was passing him in the opposite lane, what if someone was coming the other direction?"
"I uh... I guess you're right there. License and registration."
"Well... I don't actually have my license, left it at home... I'm really forgetful heh. I'm happy to give you my name and any other information you may need to look me up though. Here's my registration and insurance so you know it's me."
"I'll be right back..."
5 minutes later...
"Were you involved in any drug-related incidents a week ago?"
"No sir. I don't know what you're talking about."
"Well we have you down for one."
"I usually work late so I'm out at night all the time, I get a lot of officers asking me if I'm doing anything illegal."
"You know if there are any pipes in the car, you can't get arrested. It'll make things much easier for you if you just tell me about them ahead of time and save everyone some trouble."
"I don't even smoke, sir (Still wearing my stoner-ass hat)."
"You don't smoke anything?"
"Well, I smoke cigarettes to take the edge off at work, but not weed."
"Not even once?"
"Well... I did once back in my sophomore year of high school, but that was four years ago haha (So, SO hard to keep a straight face here)."
"Interesting... well... don't... don't speed any more... have a good night..."
"You too, officer. Thanks for helping to keep our streets safe, man."
Not even a warning bitches. That's how it's done.