If you want to know what happened to the server, here it is in 20 seconds:
The server was spitting out IO errors so they replaced the hard disk controller. Turns out it wasn't that, so they replaced the hard disk all together, then I had to re-construct the directory structure with all the code, then had to put the databases back together, then import all the pictures and videos from the old hard drive.
Sounds crazy that it took so long to do that, but add in a trip from Whistler to Ottawa, DNS errors, and one large website, and you've got a week!
Thanks for everyone's patience... hopefully it'll be smooth sailing from here.