haha the jugglesun. This is what I am writing for history class right now:
Sir Arthur Bingley McStinknasty
A Long looooooooooooooooooooooong time ago in a place called England, there lived a dude named Arthur, and his daughter was a total hottie. Her name was Asbestos. All the pre-pubescent teens in the villa wanted to do stuff to her. 14 year old boys were always coming to their house and trying to go out with her. Just the sight of her made sweat tingle down their fuzzy upper lip. Being your archetypal parent, Arthur said, “Be off with you vile runts!” And so the pre-pubescent runt would leave.
Meanwhile, in a village not so far away, lived Duncan, a slap-happy southerner who liked three things:
Church
Fine wine
Wild feline herding
Coincidentally, Duncan also had a daughter who was a total uggo. Her name was Giardia. All the pre-pubescent 14-year-olds in their village were disgusted at the sight of her. When she spoke, it was like watching a bulldog eat mayonnaise.
Asbestos usually was followed home by creepy pre-pubescent 14-year-olds, who she had to fend off using whatever projectile object was handy. One day, Asbestos was being followed home by yet another entourage of geeky village boys. She turned around, threw a shoe at them, and ran home. When she got home, she told her father of how she lost her shoe, and how she wanted more money to go to the town so she could buy another one. Arthur was very upset, and flogged her. Such emotional abuse led to crazy antics from poor Asbestos. She decided to leave town.
Meanwhile, poor Giardia was being pelted with projectile objects yet again, on her way home from school. After returning home every day, her father Duncan would flog her with whatever object was handy. He would call her “Yuko” and “Lt. Stinky.” After years of this abuse, she finally snapped. She brought one of Duncan’s wild felines to school and began to flog all the other children. When the teachers finally got a hold of her, she spit venomous poisen into their eye sockets, and thus, the irony transpired, for they were blinded after a lifetime of being able to see. Giardia then went home and flogged Duncan with his wild felines. Shortly thereafter, she decided to leave town.
Meanwhile, Asbestos was venturing through the woods, having arguments with any random tree-dwelling critter that happened to look at her the wrong way, She came across a jungle sloth who clawed at her shoulder as she passed. Needless to say, she took this as coming on to her, so she smacked the sloth. Keepin’ the pimp hand strong. Suddenly, she felt something warm and fuzzy come down on her head with a great blow. It was one of Duncan’s wild felines, being thrown at her by Giardia. “Hey!” screamed Giardia,”Quit womping that gentle exotic forest critter!”
“He started it!” Asbestos said in her defense.
The sloth got away.
“What is a pretty girl such as yourself doing waaay out here in the woods alone?” asked Giardia.
“I am running away from home, due to domestic disputes with my father and an abundance of creepy freshmen following me everywhere for being so haWt!” she replied.
“Wow, I am running away from home too!” exclaimed Giardia. “My father is always beating me with his felines, and calling me ugly. I don’t need this type of abuse from him, I am a valuble human being! I do not look like a bulldog eating mayonnaise!” ranted Giardia.
“Uh…sure,” said Asbestos.
They had a long talk about each other’s problems and decided to switch places, a’ la the Princes of Popper. Giardia smiled at Asbestos.
2 years passed
Giardia was living with Asbestos’ father Arthur, who accepted her lovingly, for she never talked back, nor was she somewhat desirable to even glance at, so it was much less work for him fending off goons with peach fuzz. And Asbestos was living happily with Duncan, for he was a shallow bastard that was totally stoked on her being hot. Not that he wanted to do anything to her, but you know, who wants an ugly kid right? (He was probably shallow due to the emotional trauma caused by his parents’ violent separation when he was 12 years old, thus resulting in self-esteem issues that eventually spread into his judgement of others).
So anyway, after living this way for 2 years, Asbestos had a little incident at her house with the wild felines. Apparently she used the wrong type of detergent when she put them in the dishwasher, and well, lets just say they have been relegated to the past tense. Anyway, Asbestos was kicked out of Duncan’s home. She had no food, no money, and barely any cloths (because she was a wannabe night lady, not because they were taken from her). She decided to go back to her original home and see what was up. When she arrived, Giardia
Thats all I have right now. Im taking 10 minute NS breaks at 30 minute intervals.
