November 20, 2006
Myspace has ruined the Internet like the iPod ruined music
…but first, let’s deal with that iPod fiasco.
Kids of today, let me tell you about something that we had many moons
ago. It may seem like a foreign concept, but please take your Ritalin
and try to follow along.
Once upon a time, there was this thing called a music album. It
came in various physical formats including vinyl records, compact discs
and tapes. A ‘band’ or ‘group’ would make a collection of songs and put
it on an ‘album.’ When you bought this album, you could listen to the
whole thing. While not albums were great in their entirety, you got to
listen to all the songs until you knew them all – the lengths, lyrics,
bridges, choruses, hooks. You listened to the album as the artist
intended, because some albums had some sort of progression or story to
tell. Some bands even made albums that the tracks flowed together,
creating a soundscape – a soundtrack to life. It was sometimes a
rollercoaster of emotions, and often times you couldn’t imagine a pause
in the music. It simply wouldn’t make sense. It’d be like fucking a
girl and then stopping every 3 and half minutes to go pee. You’d
probably disappoint that girl more than you already did.
Back then, you’d say “I’m a Pink Floyd fan. I love the Beatles, Wu-Tang, etc.”
You categorized your music by the artist. The songs you liked were on an album.
Eventually technology got to the point where you would pick which
songs you wanted to listen to, randomly and at any time. This seemed
like a great idea, right? Well, much like watching clips of The Sixth
Sense that start with “Oh yeah, I’m dead,” it just didn’t seem right.
You were now controlling something that you didn’t create. You made the
Mona Lisa an Asian girl. No racism intended, she was an ugly white
Fast forward to the end of the world – the invention of the MP3.
All of a sudden, you had a collection of ‘songs’ and no longer a
collection of ‘music.’ Your friends came over to your house and you
bragged about the size of your hard drive while your Ikea wall cabinet
stay barren. Several rock stars overdosed on drugs picturing you doing
The devil wears white
When the iPod came out, music was doomed. 10000 songs, you say?
That’s funny. I can only hear one at a time. Kids wore it while walking
– to the moon, apparently. Why would you need more than 80 minutes of
music? Where are you walking? All of a sudden you got this impulse
‘shit, I gotta hear this one song…’ over and over again. Da Mystery of
Chessboxing was followed by My Sharona. You were now ‘diverse’ and
‘worldly.’ You had white headphones because you loved 10000 songs,
motherfucker. You're bitchin'.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You’ve destroyed the music
industry. I listen to The Dark Side of the Moon. You listen to “Time”
and “Money.” You’ve negated years of hard work and talent. Why should
anyone spend years making an album when you’re only going to buy one
song from iTunes for 99 cents? That’s the only song people are gonna
hear anyway. They’ll skip right to it. Just make it track 1, save them
some time. This had led to artists putting out shitty albums built
around a couple of songs that will sell for 99 cents.
Remember Michael Jackson’s Bad album? Almost every song was a hit
because people couldn’t pick a favorite song and kept requesting so
many on the radio. What a crazy idea. Buy the album, learn to like it,
keep listening. The album sold over 30 millions copies at about $12.
You do the math. A massively popular song will be downloaded a few
million times, at 99 cents. After that, the kids latch onto the next
artist and you’re outta luck. It sickens me how many people downloaded
“Feel Good Inc.” and didn’t get the whole album. You suckers missed the
pop album of the year. You’ll do it again this year with Stefy. I
Millions bought the Aqua album in the 90s after hearing Barbie Girl
on the radio. They popped in the CD – what’s this? Candyman is a great
song? So is this one? And this one? Wow, I’m pleasantly surprised. They
started requesting those other songs, and they became hits as well. The
band must have been overjoyed. They made “fans” and not just
“customers.” If I sound repetitive it's because I'm on random and you
opted for the 1GB model only.
Nowadays, people just download the singles because they “know” the
album is crap. Download 2 songs for 2 dollars rather than spend 12 on a
CD that must suck? Works for everyone except the artist. No one goes to
the concert. No one sings along with any other songs. They cannot
progress as an artist because they have no base. The artist then gives
up and ends up in sitcoms instead. You don’t notice or care because you
didn’t buy the album. Heaven forbid you missed out on gems that
could’ve been added to your life.
So fuck you, iPod, and your fucking random button. And all you emo
skater trash that want to be famous rockers – here’s a dollar. That’s
all you’ll make and it’s your fault. I’ll go buy ‘albums’ and become
fans of artists, not hard drives.
Which brings me to my main point after that short introduction:
I never thought that the Internet would become something that
pisses me off. I mean, there’s free porn, Wikipedia, and snopes.com. So
what went wrong? Myspace. Well, specifically YourSpace, since I would
never want to go there.
My browser didn't even know how to interpret this code
Tying in with my original point, MySpace was invented for musicians
to have a centralized place to make pages about themselves. Sticking
feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken, and you are not an
artist. MySpace has destroyed the minds of the youth. It’s made them
have long-term memory that doesn’t last past a year. What the FUCK is
the appeal of MySpace? It’s just a page with pics of you and some shit
you wrote. What happened here? Put your iPod down and look at this
list. Tell me if you fail to understand along with me.
MySpace is just…
A Geocities site with less options.
Remember Geocities? No? That’s sad. How about these, then?
Windows fucking notepad
You dumbass kids have discovered something invented 10 years ago –
and then it was better, and easier to use. I simply do not get what
happened here. Let’s look at Livejournal, which was the first step to
the end of the Internet.
Nowadays, it’s ‘cool’ to share your feelings. It’s cool to share
every moment of your life and discuss how many coolers you drank with
your ex-landlord on Wednesday, April 17th, at 8:32 PM while you were
“sad.” Back then, I’d have to crack into my girlfriend’s hotmail
account (I know your dog’s name, slut!) to see what she did. I loved
the pictures of other guys’ cocks in her inbox because she was hiding
it. Now all I have to do is go to ANY FUCKING WEBSITE and your fucking
lives will be all over them. I don’t WANT to hear about how much your
pussy smelled after 9:32 PM, Mountain Time, at 86.5% humidity while I’m
trying to download TV shows.
An example of 99.985% of the pictures you will find at MySpace sites
Witness my pain. I had a friend come over that I haven’t seen in a
long time. He asks me, “How’s your website doing? Did you write a new
Blog? I write blogs? That’s funny, I thought they were articles.
Microsoft Word underlines blog BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING NUTS. I was going
to punch him in the mouth. I don’t tell you about my daily life and how
I feel because I’m not a fucking homo.
You remember Maddox? You remember how you loved to read his
“opinions”? Good luck finding them now, it’s hidden behind your 1300
pages of “OMG THE PARTY THIS WEEKEND WAS ROCKNNNNNNN!!!!!1111” at every
turn. You fucking kids have turned the Internet into a zoo. You can no
longer find an opinion, you now have 100 million kids’ every aspect of
their lives to wade through. I feel sorry for every writer in the world
– you now have 100 million more reasons to quit. Sometimes I get
depressed writing tommyv2.com knowing that it won’t get 1% of the hits
Joe Blow gets daily from his blog about his travels to Best Buy. He
can’t write, spell, describe or get creative – all he has to do is put
some picture taken by his $69-10-year-contract RAZR phone and he’s a
It won’t stop me though. I work my ass off to bring you
entertainment. I don’t write for you fucking
iPod-MySpace-Volkswagen-Apple-Spongebob-Subway crowd. I write for you
Star Wars Arrested Development Fight Club KFC crowd. And I love you for
being fans. I write for those smart enough to understand and appreciate
the work that goes into being consistent and entertaining.
So fuck all you kids, I want all of you to burn in hell. If you’re
one of those fuckers, please stop reading my site and go blog your
MySpace is just another fucking fad and will soon be as popular as having correct spelling and personal hygiene.