orsmupdate 2003.05.13-16.20
It's funny how time passes you by so much faster as you get older. Almost without realising it the end of April has come and gone and I somehow forgot to aknowledge it. I don't usually get all reflective at the end of each month or anything but I realised it has now been four years from what was very much a life changing experience for me.
T'was a cool Friday evening back in April 1999 and I was driving to a mates house happily minding my own business chatting away on the mobile when from out of nowhere appears a Falcon sedan... anyways one thing led to another and the he ended up getting airborne and T-boning me in the drivers door. Was one of those fucked up things where if I was there a split-second later or a split-second earlier I probably wouldn't be here to write this. Scary shit but strangely enough I walked away.
What followed then was some back problems and all the other shit you would usually expect from being drilled by a car moving at 80kmh. I ended up quitting my much hated job as a cabinet maker because I couldn't lift anything heavy and sort of embarked on a downhill slide into depression. That lasted a few months I guess - I'd lost my pride and joy, my job, and my income - my whole world was turned upside down in one foul swoop and everything was basically just fucked.
After sitting on my ass for a few months feeling sorry for myself I finally conned my old boy into buying me a computer that October. Come Februrary 2000 I was well and truly hooked and enrolled in a computer course. A few months after that I started trying to learn how to build a website and everything has just sort of progressed to what you see before you now... my full time occupation.
Thinking back to my cabinetmaking days I quite clearly remember saying there was no fuckin way I was going to be doing this for the rest of my days... but by the same token I had no idea how to make a break away from it and into something else. I was in a huge rut and I knew it.
What I couldn't see at the time was me getting nailed by some little punk in his grandfathers new car was a blessing in digsuise.
Some fucked up shit happened that nite after I had the accident too and whilst I won't go into it weird factor plus you will all think I am cracked, I think it was the one event that lay rest to any doubt I may have had about the presence of some sort of higher power. Since that day I've spent countless hours wondering if these things are done deliberately to us as a big wake up call to put us on a different path. In my situation it makes perfect sense... I always knew there was more to life than being stuck in a dead-end job making shitty furniture all day long - I just couldn't figure out how to get away from it.
Something that I am sure a few of you will enjoy - Orsm.net finally has it's very own Live Chat! All you gotta do is go to www.orsm.net/chat and you are as good as in. Only thing that is required is Flash which pretty much everyone has anyways so its all good. Click here to start chatting!
I'm almost done with my conversion from html to php. Took an immense amount of screwing around on my behalf but I'm sure it'll be well worth it. If you find any broken links around the site make sure you let me know!
Had quite a few good suggestions of words and names we never want to hear again this week: Wayne Carey, John Howard, Governor General, Weapons Of Mass Destruction, Governor General, Detention centres, George Dubbya, Terrorism, The Matrix and of course Governor General.
Click here to see Amateur Pages' free pics.
GOT MAD DESIGN SKILLZ? UP FOR A CHALLENGE? I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO DESIGN A LOGO FOR THE SITE! WINNER WILL SCORE A COPY OF BRITNEY DOES ANNA! MORE INFO HERE!! Thanks for everyone who has submitted one so far - I've received a stack of entries and I'll be in touch with as many of you as I can but in the mean time keep em coming!
Fun Fashions with Gas Masks and Body Rubbers. VX, Anthrax and all those other scary gases have caused a boom in sexy fashion trends that combines 'safety' with 'Bondage Jihad Chic', flawlessly. Be the talk of the town with these spring fashions. See them where else but NewsFilter!?
Foreign Correspondent Josh Carey reports in this week from Tokyo with his latest observations about those crazy Japanese. Check it out here...
I've also been slowly getting through some of the mail you guys have sent me over the last month or two and found these on everyones favourite subjects - war and politics. By the way there's no need to email me complaining... I'm just the messenger!
War And Peace - Rememberance - A Grateful Briton - Pro-American Pom - Little Johnny - War Related
Looks like I had jumped the gun by writing Big Brother off before it had even started this year. Don't get me wrong - I think the new format with the 2 houses sucks ass but the big difference this time is that the producers have finally picked some good looking chicks! As we all know a bit of eye candy is never a bad thing. Take housemate Joanne for instance...
Couple of people have asked what happened to the Advice Asshole. The answer to this question is that you guys neglected the poor little guy! You know the deal... if your problem is too big for Dr Phil or Rikki Lake then all you gotta do is email theadviceasshole@yahoo.com.
The Legendary Bill Hicks - The Legendary Mitch Hedberg - Killer Coaster - Torque To Me - Tasty Twins
Spam The Spammers - Silly Molecules - There's An Axe In My Head! - Hilarious Cyber Sex - Switch Zoo
A veteran Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, 'Sir, may I see your driver's license and registration please?' The Yankee said, 'What's the problem, officer?' 'You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.' 'Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!'
'Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.' 'You've got to be kidding me!' 'It's no joke, sir'. 'Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.' 'That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now, may I see your license and registration, please?'
'You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?' 'Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!' 'I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.'
The veteran Ranger had had enough and said to the driver, 'Sir, I can do better than that.' He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. 'Now, sir, let me ask you this. Would you like me to slow down...or come to a complete stop?'
The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate
The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate
The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate - The Ultimate
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Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Here's the real version...
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?' 'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer, 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.' The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried.
'We made such passionate love last night!' 'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... Wait for it 'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!!'
Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova
Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova
Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova
SOCRATES
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?' 'Hold on a minute,' Socrates replied. 'Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.' 'Triple filter?'
'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?' 'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it and...'
'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?' 'No, on the contrary...'
'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?' 'No, not really.'
'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?' This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was fucking his wife.
ORSM VIDEO
Sometimes you have to stop and wonder why the fuck people do the things they do. People getting off on shit that is just so far out there that it makes any normal person wonder what the fuck they were thinking. Take this video for example...
- What The Hell Is She Going To Do To Him With That Thing!? -
A guy applied to join a nudist club. 'Exactly what do you do here?' he asked. 'It's quite simple,' said the club secretary, 'We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.' 'Cool,' said the guy, '...count me in!!!' So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, 'Beware of Gays.' A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing 'Beware of Gays.' He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, 'Sorry... You've had two warnings!'
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SCORCHED
Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae
Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae
A man suspected of SARs is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. 'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed the young nurse replies, 'I don't know Mr Smythe, I'm only here to wash your face and hands.' He struggles again to ask, 'Nurse, Are my testicles black?'
Again the nurse replies, 'I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.' The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. 'Nurse,' he mumbled, 'Are my testicles black?' Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted.
She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, 'Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!' At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again, 'I SAID.... Are my TESTS RESULTS BACK .....!! ???'
SASHA HONEY
Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha
Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha
Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat woman. Little boy looks her over and turns to his daddy and says'She is really big and fat isn't she daddy?' The father is embarrassed and tries to get son to quiet down. In a few minutes the little boy yells out; 'She is the biggest woman I have ever seen!'
The father is embarrassed to tears and bends over and tell his son; 'We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don't do it again.' The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman's beeper went off. He then yelled: 'Look out daddy, she is backing up!'
Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla
Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla
Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla - Adjaa & Shayla
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. 'You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.'
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow suit. 'The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index.'
ORSM VIDEO
Wear Condoms!
Iraq Info Minister
Thredbo Info Minister
DIY Heart Surgery
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.
To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.
He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, 'Once a year!'
To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?' The grinning guy responds, 'Tonight’s the night!'
Click here to see Amateur Pages' free pics.
BEAUTIFUL BAILEY
Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey
Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey - Bailey
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.' Moral: Women are evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
READER MAIL
Dayton wrote:
Subject: hey orsm!
Howdy, im a ford fan much like yourself and I fucking love the GT! Ta for those pics. Anyway here’s one I made up outta a few pictures I found on the net, don’t post my name though cause I don’t want these holden derros coming after me hehe. Hope u like, feel free to post
d a wrote:
Subject: Prycless beach beaver munching
Hi there, Whilst over in Thailand in February this year I ventured to the Full Moon Party on Koh Phangan. This is a beach rave thing that goes all night and continues after the sun has risen. Along the beach I found these two horny ravers enjoying a bit of beaver munching. I spoke to the young lady concerned after she had realised where she was and hoisted her knickers back on, and I asked for her email addy though unfortunately she didn't provide so I haven't been able to send her these pics. Judging by her accent I think I can safely presume she was French. Well hopefully you can see that she gets to see them, along with the rest of the world.
Marcus Giles wrote:
Subject: Heya Mr Orsm
Basically some kid in his parents basement thought it was cool to film himself fighting imaginary JEDI knights in his basement.. Thats the first movie.. and very funny on its own.. (and painful ). Now the second movie.. is even funnier.. and come about because of the wonderful invention called the internet. Some guys thought they'ed help the poor kids shame out by adding in some special FX and sound FX.. You just gotta love the net :-D
David Fshlock wrote:
Subject: motorvation
hey Mr orsm, some car pics and vid from motorvation
Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation
Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation - Motorvation
One thing I have been wanting to do for ages now is get a Readers Cars section of the site going. I'm a car nut from way back and wouldn't mind seeing some of your creations and I'm sure everyone else would too. SO if you've got something half decent whether it's highly modified or hardly touched, drop me and email with some pics and the specs!
Stephen Ludgate wrote:
Subject: 'Samuel' is a dumb shit!
Hey Mr ORSM! I've been a fan of your site for ages, but a recent update had a 'Samuel' talking so beautifully about a satalite picture of europe at night/day, and how amazing and cloudless it was, and how you could see the Sahara Desert in both night and day. What a complete dumb shit. If this guy/gal had even bothered to do his research and find out where that picture came from, he'd/she'd realise that it's a collage of countless satelite images of europe, from numerous different satelites. Which was then digitally stitched together, and the clouds removed and all aspects, includeing the night lights digitally enhanced!!! This Samuel chap has just cut and pasted this web site and called it his own... http://www.snopes.com
Here's a link to the almost original source of the picture, and also a wicked site, if you're into space and stuff! nasa.gov
Me wrote:
Subject: sunset from space
With regards to http://orsm.net/images/sunsetfromspace.jpg... You should know that this pic is a fake. See snopes.com.
Dennis Allen wrote:
Subject: Some Pics
I know the Carnival In Rio is soon to begin. Last year I was cruising South America (I worked for a Cruise Line). Our ship's photographers had a friend that was on another ship that stopped in Rio. He sent these pics along of a party he was invited to. Thought you (and your readers) might enjoy!
Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival
Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival - Carnival
Adrian Hicks wrote:
Subject: New vehicle !!
Just announced! New vehicle for the defence budget!
Who wants to join now??????
wrote:
Subject: MILF
G'day OrsmDude........hehehe. It's MiLF here...havin a cuppa & a cig for breaky, thought I would say 'Mornin' and show u my freshly XXX job! U like? Have a GR8 day ORSMites...U C me soon...byeeeee
Critical Mike wrote:
Subject: Saddam & Gamorrah
Something I threw together this morning. It's a thought that makes me all giddy. Probably not overly original, but who the hell cares. Enjoy.
dustin wrote:
Subject: my hamsters
hey i got these hamsters and they are doing it all the time so i got some pics of it. i thought it was funny and so did my friends hope you like them too.
Click here to see Amateur Pages' free pics.
One day, this guy who's been stranded all alone on a desert island for ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. It's certainly not a ship he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat and then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, 'How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?' 'Ten years,' he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, 'Man, oh man, is that ever good!'
She then asks him, 'How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?' Trembling, he replies, 'Ten years!' She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, 'Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!' Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, 'And how long has it been since you've played around?' With tears in his eyes, the guy replies, 'Oh sweet Jesus, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!'
WORTH-A-SURF
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SWEETNESS IS...
How Good! - How Good! - How Good! - How Good! - How Good! - How Good!
How Good! - How Good! - How Good! - How Good! - How Good! - How Good!
An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mother and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. The mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit and the results show that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge: If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage....' At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says: '... you'll fuck her again!'
Caricatures - Caricatures - Caricatures - Caricatures - Caricatures - Caricatures
Caricatures - Caricatures - Caricatures - Caricatures - Caricatures - Caricatures
Caricatures - Caricatures - Caricatures
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Saddam is still alive', Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let his friend know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it in and emailed Colin Powell. Colin and his aids had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the cc list got longer and longer. Eventually it arrived at the Fed. Dr. Greenspan looked at it and replied the next second: 'Perhaps the President would wish to look at the message up-side-down....'
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
'Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,' said the skinny man. 'Okay, see that giant redwood over there?' said the lumberjack. 'Take your axe and go cut it down.' The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. 'I cut the tree down,' said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, 'Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?'
'In the 'Sahara Forest',' replied the puny man. 'You mean the 'Sahara Desert',' said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, 'Oh sure, that's what they call it now!'
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EVERYBODY LOVES ARIA
Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria
Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, 'What happened to the other five condoms?'
His nervous reply was, 'Er, I masturbated with them.' Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, 'Have you ever done that?' 'Yeah, once or twice,' he told her.
'You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?' she asked. 'Oh,' he said, 'I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend.'
TASTY KEL
Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly
Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly
An elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first.'
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.'
'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.' 'Well,' said the elderly priest, 'I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.' 'But, Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!'
'I know, son,' replied the elderly priest, 'but that flashing neon sign... 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to hell' can't stay on the church roof.'
SEDUCTRESS
Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera
Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera - Pantera
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a 'HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS' bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I'm glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled 'JESUS CHRIST!' as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, 'GO!...JESUS CHRIST!...GO!'Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger. I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me! I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!
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Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya
Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya - Amber & Tanya
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MISCOMMUNICATION
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, 'I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!' 'Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.'
'I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?' 'Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.'
'I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!' 'Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!'
Seven year old Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. 'How did I get here, Mummy?' he asked. His mummy said, using a well-worn phrase, 'God sent you.' 'Did God send you too, Mummy?' asked Little Johnny. 'Yes, Dear, He did.' replied his mother. 'And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?' asked little Johnny. Again the answer was 'yes.'
Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. 'Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone is so fucking cranky!!'
Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia
Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia
A middle aged woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' was the reply. 'I'm exactly 47,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and ask the counter girl the very same question. She replies, 'I guess about 29.' The woman replies, 'Nope, I'm 47.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a Drug Store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I am 47, but thank you.'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man standing at the bus stop the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 years old and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are.'
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a 5 minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay, how old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hands and says, 'Madam, you are 47.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible... how did you know?' The old man replies, 'I was behind you in line at McDonald's.'
Homo Un Erectus
