An Epic Tale

I certify that everything that you are about to read is exactly as it happened. Nothing has been changed, omitted or exaggerated.

Scene: Boarding shool, senior year, one week until graduation

Characters:
Rule - really annoying kid that no one really likes and that has been tolerated for the past 3 years
Wilson - innocent bystander
Sean - dislikes squirrels on his arm
Mrs. Adams - teacher that is a huge bitch that no one likes
JP, Nate, Me - conspirators

Story: So it is a weekend afternoon (a saturday). JP, Nate and I went down the hill (the school is on a hill) to a hardware store where we purchased a live trap for catching rats and the like. We purchase it and bring it back up the hill after purchasing some peanuts to use as bait in the trap. It starts raining a little bit, but we decide to set the trap and we will return in the morning.

We go to check the trap around noon sunday morning. It had rained pretty much the entire night and is still drizzling slightly. We find in the trap what appears to be a dead squirrel. We bring it inside and put it in the bathroom, in one of the showers (which are somewhat separated from the rest of the bathroom, so you would not notice that there is a squirrel in the bathroom if you were to simply go and take a leak) and we create a make-shift enclosure with a large piece of cardboard which we tape across the opening to the shower stall. The squirrel is not dead, however. It is breathing, but not moving and appears to be soaked to the bone. We go and get a hairdryer from someone that has one in the dorm (not that many in a boys dorm) and we all take turns warming it up with the hairdryer. Now we decide that we must keep the existence of the squirrel on the DL because for one thing, its against the rules, and for another we can't have everyone knowing about it lest it ruin our plan. So we tell only the kids that must know. We tell the kid from whom we borrowed the hairdryer, since he was curious and he asked, and we told the kids on our floor that use that bathroom so that they don't flip out when they go to take a shower to be greeted by a half-dead squirrel.

So after about 4 hours of drying the squirrel, it is finally back to life but it is furious. we have a stick that we were using to turn it and such so that we could dry the other side of it, and if we put that stick within a foot of that squirrel, it jumps and tweaks out. And squirrels can fucking jump. That thing must have jumped 3 or 4 feet into the air and I am not exaggerating. So anyways, we feel bad for the squirrel after having nearly killed it and since it does not seem to find the humor in its current situation, so we set it free. We plan to catch a fresh squirrel as soon as it dries out so that it doesnt almost die.

Monday and Tuesday are both sunny days, so we put the trap out again on tuesday afternoon and come back to find an closed, but empty trap late that night (we snuck out of the dorm at about 2AM) and we decide that it must have been engaged by a smaller animal that slipped through the wire of the cage. So we set it again and we return Wednesday afternoon to find a fresh squirrel that is perfectly dry and fluffy and everything, so we bring it inside and put it into the shower.

That night, around 7, there isn't anything good to eat in the cafeteria, so we decide to order pizza. We ask Rule if he would like to order with us, but that he would have to be one of the people to go and pick it up. Picking it up entails going about half way down the hill to the driveway, waiting for the delivery man to come, exchanging currency for nourishment, and then returning: a process that typically takes about 10 minutes. Rule agrees to the terms and conditions set forth if he is to take part in our order. Now Rule has a single room, I have a roomate who was not so much involved, and Nate and JP are roomates. So JP went with Rule to pick up the pizza. They leave and as soon as we see them crossing the quad, Nate and I scurry to the bathroom to collect the squirrel. We bring it down one floor to Rule's room and pray that he did not lock his door (he does that sometimes). The door swings open easily. Jackpot!

We bring Frazzles (we named the squirrel frazzles) into the room (he is in the cage again) and we set the cage down. We go to his window and cut a hole in his screen to make Frazzles' entrance look natural, but wait! The window is closed. We open it as it is necessary for the window to be open if there is a squirrel to enter through a hole in the screen. We hope that Rule won't notice. After all is prepared, we back away towards the door and we dump Frazzles out into the room and quickly pull the cage out and shut the door. Frazzles is inside and all is ready so now we wait.

We return to Nate and JP's room and eat the delicious pepperoni and hawaiian pizzas when they arrive. Many hours elapse and it is now around midnight. I am in my room talking to someone online and I have nearly forgotten about the operations of that evening. All of a sudden, i hear a girly shriek and perhaps 20 seconds later i hear my door open and i turn to see Rule in the doorway saying "Dude, there's a fucking squirrel in my room!" and then proceed to the next door to say the same thing. Many people exit their room to go and see the spectacle. Nate, JP and I all exchange satisfied smirks at the success of our plan. We get to Rule's room and there are probably 20 people there (about half the kids in the dorm... I don't think that Rule went all the way to the top two floors, so not everyone is here). Rule enters his room after propping the door open with a lacrosse stick (he thinks he is good at lacrosse but really, he sucks) and is now standing on the furnature trying to get the squirrel out of his room. Someone else propped the door open across the hall that leads to the outside so that the squirrel can escape once exiled from Rule's room. After much probing under his bed with a second lacrosse stick, Rule manages to get the squirrel out. All the kids lining the pathway from rule's room to the door across the hall are roaring with laughter. Most of them know by now that it was us that introduced the squirrel to the environment of Rule's room, and all think it hillarious that someone placed the squirrel here. Finally the squirrel exits the building and everyone goes to bed after some more laughter and merryment. Nate, JP and i decide that this must be repeated due to its grandeur.

Rule is completely baffled as to how a squirrel got into his room, but he notices the hole in his screen and decides that that must be the source of entry. Someone in the dorm tells Rule that it was Nate, JP and I that put the squirrel in his room, but he doesn't believe them. He asks us about it and says "I heard that you guys put the squirrel in my room" and we all just start bursting into uncontrolable laughter, to which he responds "Yeah, I know, it's stupid right? Why would you guys put a squirrel in my room?" The situation blows over and everyone but Rule knows who planted the squirrel there.

Thursday night around midnight, we set another trap. We collect the contents Friday around noon. Seniors do not have any classes by now as it is only exam review, so we have all day to use. There is a concert tonight in the theater, which is quite an impressive building with 3 circles of seats and many seats in the orchestra. It fits the entire school and the entire school is required to attend tonight's performance. We decide that we will bring our newly caught Frazzles (they're all named frazzles. It's a great name for a squirrel) to tonight's concert. We sit in the second circle, so about 20 feet above the orchestra seats and we wait with Frazzles in a backpack, planning to unleash him at the end of the show. We are all sitting with our girlfriends, so we let them all in on our little scheme. None of them approve, but so what, we're doing it anyway. I struggle to keep awake during the tedious performance, fighting off sleep with the anticipations of this evening's grand finale. The last song is just ending and we set the beast free. None of us could have anticipated the greatness that was to happen next.

Frazzles exits the backpack and scurries horizontally along the floor of the second circle. Only some that are seated in the second circle notice it and they scream. Then, Frazzles jumps to the railing and makes his way back the way it came. Now he is right in front of everyone's face so he is noticed much more. He gets to the end of the railing and he climbs up the pole that holds some lights that light the stage. I know not how, but he climbed that pole, I swear to god. He reaches his top altitude of the third circle railing and makes his way back towards the center. Sean is in the third circle with his arm on the railing, looking downward to try and catch a glimpse of what is causing all the commotion. Frazzles scurries over Sean's arm and Sean reacts by flinging Frazzles off his arm, sailing through the air towards the orchestra.

The squirrel falls the 30 feet or so from the third circle, flailing in the air and lands on Mrs. Adams' mom, who is at least 80 years old and Mrs Adams and her mom start freaking out and I think they both had a heart attack. Pandemonium now spreads through the teater. The noise level is completely out of control and no one is listening to the end of the song that is finishing on stage. The conductor of the chorus turns to the audience and cannot believe the spectacle unfolding before his eyes. The squirrel makes his way toward one side of the row in which he landed, scampering over the laps of everyone seated in that row. One can only imagine what the squirrel is thinking, and how confused it is to be placed in a crowded room. In its confusion, it runs over the lap of Wilson and in the process, bites him on the hand.

Everyone runs from the theater but Nate, JP and I remain for a few moments to admire our handiwork and then depart so as not to be noticed. Everyone in school is talking about the aforementioned shenanigans all that night and the days following. Nate, JP, and I become modern legends at that school. Wilson goes to the hospital for rabies shots, and turns out just fine in the end. We graduated 2 days later, but we all still remember and tell the tale of Frazzles the squirrel.


THE END