Born on a rancho over 1000 miles from the nearest form of snow, The Dave came crawling into the world by Immaculate Conception. His mother, a Mexican prostitute had taken refuge in the hay-shed to the North of the main villa of the rancho from her Eskimo turned desperado husband. The Desperado, fleeing a food shortage of cod and walrus in his home, worked his way hunting Bobcats and Wolverines to somewhere South of Tijuana. Passing through the town he had met and fallen for The Dave’s young mother. Now, while the father had not actually conceived the baby, he was convinced another man had. Not taking any practical measures of observation or scientific probing, or pondering the existence of a virgin prostitute, he spent the days following the theft of his heart hunting the young mother-to-be. It had been a month of chase when The Dave finally decided, without purpose but with vigor and fortitude, to enter the world.
When I say The Dave crawled into the world, I mean that he came out, head first, arms and legs already in motion. Not a tear was shed by either party. The young mother watched in stunned silence as her new offspring began moving away. When he had reached the end of his previously life-giving tether, he immediately turned, bit it off and continued on his way. Now freed entirely, he rose to his feet and marched in the exact direction of Whistler, British Columbia.
The young, exhausted, woman he left behind him sat in complete disbelief just watching as if the child walking away were a ghost, the real one still within her. Just to check she gave herself a quick blow to her stomach with her left fist. This confirmed that the child was indeed, actually walking away. While the child, on some unconscious level knew the direction of his travels, the mother was completely unaware. Her thoughts were now drifting away from the child and back to her previous situation, now exacerbated by an apparently possessed and unnamed baby. But, seeing as the baby WAS actually moving in a direction away from where she believed their pursuer to be, she decided to just follow and see where the little creature went.
This child had no fear. He ventured over peak and through canyon in even the harshest of desert heat while his mother followed behind him. Now convinced the child was of divine origin, she trusted to follow it wherever it went. However, the going was slow. Upon any contact with any living creature, the boy would stop for several hours enraptured with the animal. The animal too would sit, staring complacently at the boy. Then, after some time, in the natural language of the animal, the boy would begin to speak. Only once he had been imparted with all of the creature’s wisdom would he permit himself to move on. Soon he had the agility of a cat and the cunning of a fox and the world was his playground. If something snaked his line, he would just half cab it and continue on his way. This traveling and learning went on for several years, and by some divine twist of fate, the party never encountered a single other human being.
After 19 years of travel and communion, the two arrived in Bellingham, Washington. While one might suspect a mother and child living in the woods and desert and mountains for ten years would emerge a bit disheveled, that was not the case at all. The wisdom learned in the wild had given them an inhuman ability to manage any given situation, anywhere, ever. And even though it is a known fact that a woman’s menstrual cycle can attract bears, you hear that? Bears… putting the whole station in danger… they knew the ways and language of the bears and could actually rely on the noble race for aid. Now upon arrival in Bellingham, the first human they saw, bundled up in ski clothing sporting some stylish Carrera goggles, was none other than Teddy Knape. This fortuitous incident brought the, now young man’s, education to completion. Despite the awe a Mexican Cougar and an enlightened young man dressed entirely in woven cedar bark and wolverine fur can bring, Teddy was ready like Eddy (Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop). He knew, as a drunken JF Cusson had prophesied the entire event the previous evening before passing out. (JF was also wandering the world in search of wisdom, and a good pitching wedge to help out his short game). Camera still rolling as riders passed, Teddy imparted the final pieces of knowledge required for true enlightenment. However, not all was complete until the end of the shoot. The local regent skied down from a higher vantage point, sporting a slick Orage one-piece and some steezy new Line Elizabeths. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Jeff Schmuck rode coolly up to the new arrivals and spoke with magnanimity, “Holy shit, it’s The Dave.� And with that, the boy became a man, a man with a name.
END PART 1.
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