- Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
- A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
- I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
- Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
- I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
- Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis
- I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
- I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
- The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
- I'd rather be rich than stupid.
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
- What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
- We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
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